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Is it worth it?

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Submitted by Dontfeedthetrolls on Sat, 04/14/2018 - 4:01pm

I’ve written before about how the kids live about an hour away. SO doesn’t really call that much because it just doesn’t go that well. The little one is really too young to care about the phone and the oldest seems uncomfortable. This goes both ways. If BM calls our place the kids act the same so I’m not trying to blame her.

Now what I can blame her for is the fact that she refuses to give my partner extra time with the kids. I’ve written about that before. She works all weekend so on the weekends we don’t have them they stay with her dads.
Her father has said in the past it’s hard for him to watch them so much but he won’t go against her. I’m pretty sure she pulls the same crap with him that she does with my partner. Either do what she wants or you don’t see the kids.

It’s so bad that we can’t even take them out for lunch or to the park if we’re in town like yesterday. We’ll stop by grandpa’s for a bit to see the kids but of course we can’t leave.  I’m really not sure if we should keep doing it though. For one SO gets so depressed afterwards. It’s the same as when the kids leave after our weekends but we only get to see them for about an hour max so I don’t know.

Then I’m not sure what the kids think. The little one doesn’t seem to care.  He came and sat on the couch with us but played his tablet the whole time and didn’t really interact as he has always done in the past. The oldest seems to drop everything when we show up. She practically warps herself around both of us and won’t do anything else while we are there so I know she likes us stopping by but I also hate that we can’t go anywhere and I wonder how she handles it after we leave.

I don’t know if it’s worth the emotional pain it causes my partner. I don’t know if we should ask the oldest if she likes us visiting or if it bothers her more. She’s asked in the past if we were there to take her to our place which really hurt me. How do you explain to an 8 year old that you would love to but mom won’t let you?

 I also don’t exactly want to just stop because we plan fight for 50/50 custody in the next year or so after we can move into the same school district. Despite the latest issues we’ve had its still our hope to move and we might be able to as early as the start of the next school year. I think it would help his case if we can show that he has attempted to play a more active role in the children’s life while BM has done all she can to prevent that.

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lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Sat, 04/14/2018 - 7:36pm

Your SO has to decide if the pain is worth it or not. Do NOT ask SD and put the burden on her to make a decision for herself, her brother, and her father. Now, you may want to talk to grandpa and see how he feels since he deals with the fallout, if there is any, after you all leave.

Keep in mind that even IF you all move closer, your SO may not get 50/50. He COULD get more time, though. He could get a Wednesday dinner, or an every other Wednesday/Thursday overnight. Those nights, while longer than an hour, are going to induce the same depression. He needs to be the one deciding if it is worth it.

I don't mean this to be callous, but you will have to learn that this is the bed your SO made for himself when he had kids with crazy. Your SO isn't 100% faultless for this situation. He made the choice to have kids with someone who was mentally unstable. Is it fair that she has been such a B since the divorce? No. However, your SO was well aware of her personality and behavior while married, and he had the ability to not have two kids (unless there was assault and rape involved, then my stance changes).

It's hard watching your SO go through this. I watch it with my DH (though now that the kids are older and less reliant on him, he has a much easier time with it). But these are their crosses to bear. These are the consequences of their choices, even though they are unfair. It sucks, but the decision on whether seeing the kids is a good idea or not isn't one you two can make together. That is on him to decide and him to live with, and him to prevent from spilling over to negatively affecting both of your lives.