Been lurking and learning, finally ready to post!
Hello everyone!
I'm very excited to be writing my first blog on StepTalk. I've been reading about all of your experiences since before I got married about 2 years ago. I've been nervous about telling my story because I feel that it is not nearly as bad as it could be. My main issue is my own guilt over not being able to love my SS12.
My DH knew before we got married that not only am I not a "kid person" but that I don't really like his kid all that much. I had hoped that marriage would change my feelings for the better, but of course it did not. We've gotten into a few fights over SS but nothing so serious that it's actually driven a wedge into our relationship. So overall, I have an understanding DH, a relatively pleasant BM to deal with (I prefer not to ever see her but she doesn't create problems for us), decent in-laws and an SS who doesn't dislike me and has even told me he loves me a couple of times (actually my user name is based on him asking me if it's alright if he doesn't call me mom right away, on our wedding day).
So what's the problem? I just don't like SS. I don't like the situation. I don't like feeling tied to one place because we can never move away from SS. I don't like that DH has already experienced having a child so it won't be new and exciting when we finally have our own. I don't like the money that is spent on SS every month because we're far from financially secure as it is. I don't like that an entire room in our small house is devoted to someone who only visits EOWe.
Most of all, I don't like my feelings about the situation. I feel like a terrible person for not being more open to everything. As much as I try to tell myself, or force myself to just be cool with everything, I just don't succeed. I wish I could just reframe the way I think about everything, but as each day passes, that seems to be more and more impossible. I wonder if I made a huge mistake in marrying someone with a kid but that doesn't really help since I did and I can't go back and undo it now.
I'd love to hear from anyone else who's in a similar situation: everything is about as good as it can be, but you just don't like the situation at all. I know there are others who feel like I do. How do you deal with those feelings?
Thanks so much for reading and thank you in advance for any responses. I'm really excited to become a contributing member of this awesome blog community!
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Comments
Been in the same boat... used
Been in the same boat... used to like DHs kids well enough (before they turned into a gangster thug wanna be and a rotten manipulative princess.. but I digress) but I have never loved them, and know that I never will. However, I have come to terms with the fact that this is the way it is. They are not going to love me, nor me them and guess what? Life goes on, the world still turns, and we co-exist. I used to get annoyed at the fact that our BS3 was not DHs "first" but over that too... because BS3 gets so much MORE of DH than skids ever have or ever will, because DH was never married to or lived with either BM (yes 2 BM's.. lucky me!) so in my mind BS3 wins (and yes, I know it's not a competition for any of the crab assess who loiter around here)
Maybe I can say these things now because I rarely see either skid anymore. Neither one really has much to do with DH and DH doesn't seem to care much anymore. (Tired of fighting a losing battle after almost 15 years) Honestly I think you are in it at a semi decent skid age, in that you have an end in sight! I have no idea how people with 2,3,4 year old skids can do it... when they are already having issues, already don't like skid... and to have to look at another 15 years of misery???
Its hard for me to relate as
Its hard for me to relate as my situation has been soooo terrible. Although, looking back I guess it wasnt too bad for the first few years. I didnt mind the situation, perhaps because I had kids as well, dh and I put all our money in one point and we supported our children together. Had some bm issues back then, but they werent anything to the point in which they really disrutped our lives.
I will say, please dont worry about your future kids. I know that alot of stepmom's have these concerns. Your child together will be very special for him as it is the first he will have with you-but if you go on to have subsequent children those pregnancies and births and children will also be just as special to the both of you because they are your children! I had kids, dh had kids, and then we have one together. I never once felt like either one of us had been there, done that. It was a new thing for both of us to have one together and so much changes in the whole childbirth, pregnancy world-there were new things we learned together.
And as someone else mentioned, hopefully in just a few short years, he will start to want to come over less and less as he will be more involved with his friends and his own world
Hello and welcome! Oh boy,
Hello and welcome! Oh boy, did you come to the right place...
My advice is to stop beating yourself up and adding a second layer of misery to your situation.
Accept that your feelings are normal and will not change easily. I am talking about the first layer of feelings, not liking the SS or the step-situation. Who does??? it is ok not to like it/him.
DO NOT add the second layer of misery by hating your negative feelings. You say, "I don't like my feelings about the situation. I feel like a terrible person for not being more open to everything".
It is OK to feel the way you feel about your situations. Repeat after me: ... .. .
Do not hate yourself - anyone here would feel the same way.
Forgive yourself and and go ahead and have your own baby, if that is what you want.
If your SS falls in love with the baby, it will be SO easy for you to "fall in love" with him. Or to feel a certain warmth for him. It is pretty hard to dislike those who like our children.
Thanks so much for your
Thanks so much for your comments! It really helps to hear from other women who have gone through some of these feelings that it really does get better! I'm sure that over time I'll learn to accept the situation, I just happen to be a stubborn person and when I feel bad about something, I try very hard to change it. When it's something I can't change, I have a lot of trouble just giving up control. I'll learn.