DH wants to disengage? Need advice from the other side . . .
Most of my step experience thus far has been dealing with the fallout of BM's bull sh1t - particularly messing with DH's parenting time. My time with SS6 has been very limited, so I have *zero* experience with feeling resentful of the way DH handles his kid or anything like that, and right now I'm on the other side of the issue and needing advice.
My daughter:
- has the attention span of a gnat
- has the memory retention of a gold fish
- cannot be still to save her life (she even plays WII standing up and jumping around, and not in a way that has anything to do with the game)
- cannot be corrected without pain (at least not in a lasting manner)
We discontinued spanking about six months ago (I think) because I felt at 9, she was old enough to be talked to and to utilize alternative discipline methods (i.e. the invisible chair, the 100 lb. credit card, running stairs, etc.). But an incident happened while I was in the hospital having BD0 that was so severe, it required a spanking . . . and a month being grounded from everything except breathing, eating, and sleeping. Things have really gone down hill since then; I mostly chalk it up to the fact that at almost 10, she's never had to share me with a sibling, when all of a sudden *BLAMO* there's a new kiddo taking all mommy's time. Be that as it may, it is no excuse for the sudden decline she's had in behavior. It's so frustrating b/c, at a time when I really need DD9 to be more helpful and mature, she's acting like she's 3 (totally helpless, can't do anything for herself) going on 30 (knows *everything* and needs to tell me how to raise BD0). In fact, both DH and I are frustrated beyond belief with what to do; spanking has become a regular occurance at our house now. Even before this, DH would sometimes find her annoying. Heck, *I* find her annoying, and I'm her own mother!
About 3 days ago around bedtime, DD9 was acting up again. I honestly don't remember what it was because it's become such a constant occurance that it all just flows together in my brain now. DH wanted to spank her again; I said no. It wasn't because she didn't deserve it, it's just that you can't be hitting a kid *constantly*, and if we spank her every time she deserves it, that's exactly what would be happening. Instead, DH yelled at her which I was totally ok with until he said something to the effect of if she ever did that again he was gonna "skull fu(k" her all the way up the stairs. :jawdrop: Then he told her to get her a$$ to bed (totally ok with that, too). After she left, I told him that was not at all ok, and he better not ever tell her that again.
Last night, he brought it up again. Apparently, he didn't see anything wrong with a grown man telling a 9 y.o. he was going to skull fu(k her. I was speechless for about 5 seconds while I tried to wrap my brain around what to say to him, but I was so livid that I ended up yelling at him exactly what was wrong with it. We got into an arguement that ended in him walking away and then coming back at tell me that since I'm obviously the better parent, he just wasn't going to parent her anymore. I could discipline her the way I saw fit, and then I could deal with her growing up to be a fu(k up. Then he told me I could sleep on the couch (pft! nice try, it's *my* bed).
I get that he didn't mean it in a litteral sense. I get that he's in the army and they talk to each other like that. I get that among his peers, that's acceptable. But seriously? Can he not understand how that's *NOT* ok to say to a child? How does my not wanting him to say something so extrememly out of line translate to him as me saying I'm the better parent? Should I just let it go and be ok with his disengaging, or should I try to talk with him about what is acceptable punishment vs. what is off limits? We've had that talk before, and I thought we were on the same page; it never would have occured to me in a million years to bring up something like this because I would never in a million years have thought that he'd think it was ok.
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Comments
Yes, she has been evaluated
Yes, she has been evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD. We medicated last year most of the year with the exception of weekends and holidays. Towards the end of the year, she just didn't seem to need it anymore. It was almost like a light switch went off in her head and suddenly she was behaving much better and concentrating much better even without the medication. I don't like to medicate when we don't have to, so I haven't this summer, and honestly, I was hoping she'd be able to do school without it, too. BUT, as you've said, it helps not only with the attention issues, but also behavioral issues and even mood. Definitely something to think about. I know ADD/ADHD kids have a harder time adjusting than average kids, school is starting soon, and it's becomeing apparent she's going to need her meds after all, I may decide to go ahead and start her back on it early, cross my fingers, and hope for the best. At worst, we'll be no worse off than we are now.
The very sad thing about
The very sad thing about parenting is that eventhough we think we have chosen a better way than our parents, it sometimes it not the case. I think you made the right choice by stopping the spankings. You and your husband really need to talk about what is being said and the methods you are choosing with the children. Words hurt worse than the spankings themselves. What your husband said to your daughter was something that may have been said to him as a child and is a result of him talking his anger and frustration out on your child. This has to stop. PLEASE do yourself a big big favor and join parentiong classes, get counseling, or at the very least read books on parenting. There are much better ways to treat a child than to berate and spank, and get the job accomplished. What goes into your child will come out of your child. If you give her love and understanding she will reciprocate that. Don't teach your child hitting and screaming is okay, she will carry that on into her adult years......possibly with resentment, she may pick a mate that will continue to treat her the same, or she too may hurt her own children.
No, no, no, no. He should not
No, no, no, no. He should not say things like that to her. I don't agree with any sort of swearing at children. And I was in the Navy; the expression "swear like a sailor" didn't come outta nowhere. I curse more, and better, than any-fucking-body. I even slip and say things like "No shit" to my kids on occasion, but swearing AT them-- no. You were right about that. PERIOD!
Spanking: can you get back on the ADHD track at the doctor's office, because by 9 years of age, spanking is no longer an effective means of discipline, it is just degrading. My 5-year-old still gets spanked on occasion; my 9-year-old, as it so happens, hasn't been spanked in about 4 years. At this age, it comes across as a sign of frustration on the parent's part; a lack of control of the situation, if you will. I feel that if you and your husband can get on the same page, with a little guidance from your daughter's doctor and/or other professionals (family counselor maybe?) you'd all stand to benefit! Him "disengaging" sounds a lot more like "giving up" to me...
Skull fu(k? What does that
Skull fu(k? What does that mean? Who cares, it sure as h3ll SOUNDS THREATENING, and probably even more so to a 9 yo to whom any adult seems gi-normous to her - that must have been scary. I agree, totally inappropriate, no matter how difficult her behaviour is. And if she has ADHD, she's probably forgotten it until next time...
If it seemed like she no longer needed the ADHD meds, it's because it was working!
You're probably both exhausted with the arrival a new baby (congratulations!), and you've nailed it thinking that DD9 is acting up due to the baby, and parental attention all on BD0. Of course, having ADHD exacebates the matter. We had the same issue when our BD7mos was born: SD15 violently acted out, and she's the one we think has ADD (not HD) along with BPD, like her BM. Anyway, my DH and I have nearly split 2x since the birth of BD7mos, and with the hormonal ups and downs, I understand the cycle of stress and exhaustion you're both going through.
Indeed, you're in a tough situation, but it is probably a good idea for DH to disengage before he really hurts your DD9. He should concentrate on giving you more help with BD0, so you can balance your time between BDs. Try to make it a game with BD9 helping you with the baby, and until she's distracted by something else. If you exclude her entirely, there may be other consequencial behaviours that may cause you both to lose it.
And for goodness' sake, take her to her pediatrician and get her back on her meds.
Good luck!
I know exactly what it means;
I know exactly what it means; that's why I'm so upset about it. Part of our argument was his claim that he didn't know what it meant. He said he thought it was just another way of saying you were gonna "fu(k someone up." I told him that since it ended in "fu(k," at the very least he should have known it was sexual in nature and that alone made it wrong.
He better hope and pray your
He better hope and pray your daughter doesn't tell anyone (her dad, a teacher, friend...) what he said to her.
If one of my students told methat was said to them by an adult, I'd call CPS.
If it were said to one of my SDs, DF would end up in jail.
Um yeah. Not funny and def.
Um yeah. Not funny and def. something I would report to CPS.
I agree with the other poster, the meds were working. Get her back on them as soon as you can.
Think about this ... if all you have done so far isn't working then why continue with that line of punishment/direction? One thing your DH needs to remember is this is a 9 yr old girl and not a 19 yr old mouthy teen.
It seems you are all replaying the same drama every day with the same results. How is that working for you? Try the drugs again. Skip them on the weekend if her Dr choses that line of treatment.
Take over the care of your daughter. Remove your DH from being responsible for her. Which means he is left taking care of his own newborn daughter and you can work with your older daughter. I would take a ADHD 9 yr old any day over a factious newborn who cannot settle!
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your replies. I really wish DH would get on the same page with me, but if he thinks disengaging is best, for right now, maybe he's right.
For all of you who brought up her not being on meds right now:
She's actually never been medicated through any vacation. Her ADHD related behavior issues have always been annoying, but manageable outside the school setting. Medication was for school only from the get go - and that by her dr.'s recommendation. Only in the past month has her behavior escalated to the point of being dangerous. It would have been time to start re-introducing her medication anyway as the school year is about to start, so I'll get with the dr. about starting it early or see if he has any other possible suggestions.
I have disengaged from SD17,
I have disengaged from SD17, but my DW is much different from you. She is VERY light on discipline, and does not allow me to parent. Sounds like you are pretty reasonable with your DH. That said, he should not talk to your daughter like that. In addition to the psychological damage, you are exposing yourself to legal liability if your daughter's bio-daddy finds out about this. My SD17's "perfect" bio-daddy is very sensative, and would sue me if I ever said anything like that to SD17, so am very careful about what I say around her. In fact, I hardly ever say anything to her at all.
Should he talk to her like
Should he talk to her like this? Obviously not. Clearly he is at the end of his rope on this. As a stepparent with a FH who refuses to accept that his children are ever at fault I can tell you that it is not good that he is at that point. I would never suggest that you choose between your child or your Husband. However, if you want to save your marriage, which theoretically should last long after your child grows up, you should get your child's behavior under control. This is good not only for your marriage but also for your child herself. If her behavior is escalating to this point it is up to you to rein it in by whatever means necessary. No one is going to be happy, including HER, until you do.
I have gave a slap on the
I have gave a slap on the butt once to my son at the age of 3...NEVER BEFORE AND NEVER AGAIN. He is autistic, adhd, ocd, odd, etc...nothing good is coming out of all the stress your DH and you are causing this kid. Punishments of 1 month are not appropriate for a 6yr old. You need to get to counseling and fast. The least of your concerns should be your DH disengaging...your bigger concern should be why constantly spanking a child seems the only way to deal with them...obviously, it doesn't work. If it did, you would have only had to do it once. Sorry, I know the stress all the step crap brings to our families, but your daughter is paying for the stress your DH and you have...that is not fair. No doubt she is ADHD...but you need help.