Ladies, I need a bit o' guidance.

So we finally got ss last night for the first time in 3 weeks (of course, she had to be 10 minutes late getting him to drop-off, but I can live with that). My problem is this:

After the whole bit for the last two weekends- the lying on the first and the weekend long birthday party on the second (after being told by bm that their were 2 b-day parties), I'm having trouble. I know none of this is ss's fault, he just did as he was told. But I was awful cold to him last night. I just look at him and see a kid that lies. I hate lies and very much dislike liars. The Bible (my final reference for life) says that a lying tongue is one of the 7 abominations. It's a big deal. Of course, I don't hate ss, I don't even not like him. He's a great kid. But it seems like every time I look at him this weekend...I don't know. I can't even really listen to what he's saying. I just feel totally betrayed (and he didn't even lie to me!) I know that logically, he had nothing to do with it besides being used as a pawn for his mother. But I really thought that he would come to Mic and tell him the truth. Of course, he may still do that, but I can't waste a year feeling like this for him to do it. In the meantime, he's been taught to lie, and now I don't feel like I can trust anything he says. What if he were to make (further) allegations of abuse? He's learned to manipulate reality for personal gain. Now, I'm sure he wouldn't lie about what goes on here, but who's to say? He's already come to us about stuff that's happened at BM's house...how much of that is to believed?

I know this is nothing compared to what some of you folks go through. It's not like he lied about us, or directly to our faces. Hell, the poor kid just followed through on what bm started. But it still really bothers me, and it's affecting how I'm treating him. I'm not mean to him ( I don't think), but I'm just indifferent, which can hurt a kid's feelings just as much. I would love to explain to him why I'm like this, but they still don't know that we know they lied. And then he'll have to admit that he lied, which could make him very upset. I don't want to make things any worse, but feeling the way I do...things will be worse if we have to spend the whole weekend like this.

I guess I'm just having trouble accepting it and moving on...which I know is what needs to be done. I wish I would have realized I was going to have such a problem with it, I would have gotten started on this whole process before yesterday. I don't want to punish him for listening to his mom, but it seems to me like he's old enough to know what happened, and to at least tell his dad the truth (he's knows that he wouldn't get in trouble if he just came clean about it).

I don't know how to stop feeling the way I;m feeling about this one, ladies.

dbsojo's blog
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dbsojo....we share the same problem.

Everything you just described is exactly my ss. Here is what my therapist says:

"By default, ss already knows he must lie to cover up what his mother is doing/saying. And that is a real tough and unfair burden that a child must carry. So, instead of feeling angry towards ss, because this really isn't his fault...I mean he is just a kid (totally true), this is how he has been raised. SS has been programmed all of his life this is how he is to behave. You should really feel sorry for him because right now, he doesn't really know any better. SS is starting to realize that he can't trust his own mother, and if you can't trust your own mother...well then you can you trust?"

My ss has been programmed all of his life that he can trust no one, and that he must not allow himself to appreciate his father. My ss will never tell the truth to his father, he bold face lies every time he speaks. And honestly, he has to because he knows that if we knew everything his mother did, we would have to call cps.

My ss has actually been told by his grandmother..."You need to watch what your saying to the therapists because if tell too much, he will figure out that your mother is an unfit mother, and she will lose you and your brother....and then we will never see you or your brother.." That was her mother saying that to ss.

I totally feel your pain, and level of betrayal...but from my experience you are NOT going to be able to undo the damage that the bm is doing to this child. From my experience, my ss has chosen the path to hide and lie for his mother, and refuse to see the good in our life. He would rather be with his mother, that smokes pot in front of him, and chooses her bf's over her kids, then to be in our stable drug free home.

All you can do, is feel sorry for him (so you don't punish him), and hope and pray that one day he reads the handwriting on the wall. That is all you can do. Don't allow yourself to continuously become frustrated by trying to save this child from his mother, you can't do it. Just love him the best that you can, forgive him, and try to facilitate a normal life for him when he is with you. That is the most you can do...

I hope that I helped you. It's sad and frustrating...
My best to you,
Candice

Take a deep breath

I, like you, I hate liars and have zero tolerance.
How about just calmly telling him how much you care about him and that it did hurt your feelings. I'm sure he knows what it's like to have hurt feelings. What I joking tell the skids, but I think they know I'm serious, the little boy the cried wolf. I tell them I will always be honest with them and I expect the same. I tell them, someday you may need my help and how can I help if I'm not sure if your telling the truth.

Don't bottle up your feelings. Talk to the boy. Tell him you know he is in a tough position, that's why you all have to respect each other and there is no room for lying in respect.

Hang in there babe. Jo

The kid is Torn, I'm sure, I Know from experience...

The kid is probably torn between wanting to be straight, and worrying that if He does, He will cach Hell somehow, from Y'all or BM. I Know that feeling only too well, from being put in similar situations as a Kid. He is still Young enough that He might not have developed the Strength and Indepenence to Do what He Believes is Right, if it means going against a Parental Figure, even if The Other side of the matter is a Parental Authority Figure...
The best advice I can ofer is to gently hint that You know and Strongly Show/Tell Him that You Are/Will Be there to Protect and Guide Him. If He senses that You are Hurt, He may open up, or He may close down, in Self Protection. You have to try to find the right balance, which is VERY SUBJECTIVE, and varies from one situation to the next...

Steve

Thanks, girls.

I woke up yesterday morning, and just tried to focus on what I do best: talking about totally unconsequencial matters. So I got out his clothes...he didn't have any green for St. Patrick's day in our stash. So I explained to him that this is a good thing, because little kids in Ireland that wear too much green get stolen by the leprachauns. He laughed and said that he was glad he wasn't in Ireland. After that we had to take out three dogs to the free rabies clinic, so by the time we got back from that it was time to get things together for dinner. So I just avoided the issue by cleaning my behind off. When I needed to say somethng to him, I just told him more stuff about Ireland, as it is his heritage too. Once Mic's family showed up, it was really easy to forget that all of this ever happened. I even quizzed him on his coat of arms and the claddagh! We're talking the day off today, just trying to all spend some time together before he goes home tonight.

Thanks for the advice, girls. I guess I just needed to hear that I'm not the only person that goes through this. It helped alot.
db

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