Family vacation without my son?
Dh has been trying to do better with bs. I see it. Bs sees it. Bs is happier. I am happier. I am trying with the step kids. I took sd out by ourselves for girl day. She was polite and said thank you. It was actually fun. I told dh how much I enjoyed it. He seemed happy. I took my bs and step boys to the movies while dh took sd to see a movie she wanted. Everyone behaved and said thank you. It was a good day. Everyone seems to be on their best behavior. Honestly it has been really nice. I took advice from here and stepped up my behavior of trying to be a family and nicer to the step kids. I no longer expect dh to do for mine with out me doing for his. That was a big pill to swallow as bs is great and the step kids aren't always as great.....
I have next week off of work for school break. Dh told me last night he took next week off to and we should go camping. I wouldn't mind because I love camping but bs will be visiting with his dads family. I have zero desire to camp with the step kids. ZERO!!!! It will not be worth the work and zero return of memories like it would if my bs was there. Before I tell dh no I thought I would ask for opinions and maybe some words to help me explain why.
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I would be disappointed if he
I would be disappointed if he didn't go.
i think there's your answer.
i think there's your answer. since things have been going well w/ skids, i'd go just for my dh, cuz i love him and dont want to disappoint him. but ONLY since the skids and you have been doing better together.
you never know, you may have a blast.
Any chance that your BS time
Any chance that your BS time with his family could be switched? If not, I think it's ok to accompany your DH and his kids on a vacation. Alternately, maybe his kids could switch time and just the two of you could do something?
His time with them is planned
His time with them is planned a year in advanced and his aunts/uncles/grandparents take off work and pass him around family so they all see him. There is no way I could take that from them.
Sometimes you need to put on
Sometimes you need to put on your big girl panties and suck it up. This is your husband and he'd like you there, so if I were you I'd do it. Everyone is trying harder, so take this one for the team husband and wife.
Easy - talk to BS's dad and
Easy - talk to BS's dad and ask him if it's possible to swop out, offer another holiday BS can have with Dad,
It could be easier to talk to your Ex then to rock the boat with your current husband...
If the Ex says no way he wants to have his son, so be it, then you go camping with DH and his kids, you tried having yours there, and BS will know you did not do it without him, you did ask and his Dad said no.
Then while camping.... think of all the fun you can have, sitting in a nice chair the whole day, reading, sleeping, walking on your own, exploring... while DH runs around after his kids entertaining them... could be like a mini vaca for you..... and remember.. DH will be responsible for the cooking etc for his kids...
If SD decides to not go on a hiking trail but stay with you at camp, then so be it, she can keep her self busy and the both of you can read and relax.....
I can't swap the time out.
I can't swap the time out. They plan it a year in advance and people take time off and they plan vacations ect.
well then you go with DH and
well then you go with DH and his kids and enjoy your time off...
think of it this way... BS would be gone regardless if you are going camping or stay at home, DH compromised and took the week off, so that you are not stuck with his kids, DH could've left the skids with you at home....
at least now DH took a week off as well ..... see the positive in it.... so go camping and enjoy your time, no one says you have to participate in everything they have planned, nah you can be the party pooper back at camp, making sandwiches for their return, drinking wine and reading a book...
It was bm's time. He asked
It was bm's time. He asked her for the kids. I would have had the house to myself and then just me and dh at night.
have you talked to DH that
:jawdrop: have you talked to DH that the skids stays with BM....
or maybe suggest just romantically that all kids are gone the 2 off you can really have a second honeymoon.....
In this case, I would simply smile and tell DH.... well the original plan was no kids the week, I took off cause I decided to spring clean the house, wash curtains, carpets or what ever.... thus you planned to stay at home, he's welcome to take the kids on a trip then you can still do what you planned to do and Hon, I'd rather bleach my house and garage before I go camping with Aergia
I didn't want to start a
I didn't want to start a fight so I didn't say anything to him about taking bm's time. I was looking forward to us having a whole week and a weekend alone.
it's not starting a fight
it's not starting a fight Hon.....
be honest with DH... tell him you where looking forward to some alone time to strengthen your marriage bond... and have crazy sex with no kids in the house, tell him it's not always possible with all your lovely kiddies around and you feel neglected...
Try and compromise then, instead of 6 day camping trip, why not a 3 day one and the other 3 days you are spending adult time.....
I have this weird feeling, and I could be wrong... DH did not ask BM... he's doing her a favor, thus calling the shots.
Agree with this. I would suck
Agree with this. I would suck it up and take one for the team (your marriage) and just go and try to make the best out of it. I too would want for my son to be there and I too would be DREADING the time with the skids but just make the best out of it.
Don't do all the work. Be disengaged the whole time. Bring a good book to read. Use the time to relax and enjoy yourself.
I agree with calling BS dad
I agree with calling BS dad and seeing if BS can go camping with you - but if not, you may have to suck it up and playing nice with the skids. However, a whole flipping week?! I could not tolerate that, even if bio was going to be there too. Compromise for 3-4 days and say there are things you would like to get done around the house - invent something, anything! Even though I generally get along with my skids, there is something known as too much of a "good" thing - and eventually they would start to grate on my nerves. You still need to be able to retreat to a safe place to recoup and breathe, camping doesn't always allow that.
Uuuummmm…no matter how well
Uuuummmm…no matter how well SS and I get a long, I would NOT go on vacation with him and DH for a week. No way.
And I am sorry but I think your DH is being an a$$ here. He knew you would not have BS that week. I assume he knew you took that week to unwind WITHOUT kids. But he is testing you here I think.
I would still say no. I think you have a few options…
1). You are not going because you took off to unwind and have some adult time.
2). You are not going because you noticed that you put down the wrong week for vacation and won’t be off that week. Then grin and tell DH to have fun with the skids for a week camping.
Honestly, I would go for number 2 and just work that week. He should not get mad over that.
I work for the school and we
I work for the school and we are on break that week. Dh knows this because the kids are off to. I don't want to camp without my bs. Dh just called and since I wasn't "excited" about camping he figured he would plan something else. So he is talking about going to Disney and Universal. I kid you not. I am livid.
then simple tell him..... go
then simple tell him.....
go and enjoy it with your kids, I'm done, I thought we are going to work at this and here you are, excluding BS on purpose...
I asked him why he would plan
I asked him why he would plan this knowing my son isn't here and he said our life doesn't revolve around our children they revolve around us. Which is what I have said to him before. He wants to give bs the choice to go on vacation with us or what he already has planned. I am so mad right now and i let him know! He just texted asking what the big deal is. He is planning a vacation for when we are all off and that if bs is on vacation elsewhere I shouldn't care.
humm right life does not
humm right life does not revolve around kids but around "us"
ask him then why did he ask BM for the kids on her time?
ok now that changes things.
ok now that changes things. he's testing you. what a $#!tty thing to do.
I think he is to. Bs has
I think he is to. Bs has wanted to go to Universal since the trip he missed. How dare dh decide to do this to bs. I am pissed!!
My bs is going to be crushed
My bs is going to be crushed if we go without him! This isn't a trip you exclude a kid from while the rest of the family goes. That isn't right.
Not his father. His fathers
Not his father. His fathers family.
This will upset my son and
This will upset my son and hurt him. I can't understand what dh is thinking.
Did you tell him that you
Did you tell him that you were wanting an adult vacation? You are part of the problem by not saying anything NOW. Not later.
EDIT to add...Now here, I would tell him that you are not going on that type of vacation without BS, but he and the skids should have a ball while gone.
I think you know the answer.
I think you know the answer. You've tried both ways: disengagement and engagement, which one is preferable to you. You didn't like disengagement because your DH gave you a taste of your own medicine. You re-engaged and everything seems to be getting back to the way you want so why would you pull back now? He's probably testing you to see if your commitment is true or not before he invests back into your son. You can't just want to play house when his kids aren't included. This time BS gets left out, big deal; we talk on here all the time about skids missing out because it's not their time and the parents feel guilty and try switching everything around to make things "fair," don't be that SO we complain on here about.
He just texted me he wants us
He just texted me he wants us to go to Disney and Universal. His cousin lives down there and works at Disney some of us would get in for free. He wants to give bs the choice of which vacation to take. That won't work. Bs has made a commitment and people planned for his trip. I am so mad at dh right now!!
I agree but this is a family
I agree but this is a family trip and he wants to exclude my son. That is what is wrong with this.
You don't leave one kid out
You don't leave one kid out of a trip like this. You just don't. It's hurtful and mean. I told dh I wasn't going.
We would be staying with his
We would be staying with his cousin who lives down there and can get some of us in for free. We would still have to buy some tickets and pay for food. I don't think we should make a trip like this without bs!
Didn't you try to get your
Didn't you try to get your husband to go with you and your son to Universalet, then got angry when he wanted to include his kids?
Why was it OK for you to exclude his kids, but now it's wrong for him to exclude your kid?
I told dh I wasn't going and
I told dh I wasn't going and that this is bullshit. He planned this knowing my son can't go. He is arguing back saying bs is going on vacation so why can't we. I hate him so much right now!!
sorry but personally I do not
sorry but personally I do not think your marriage is savable....
I think it's time you accept reality, this tit for tat will go on and on between you and DH, and no one is happy
I can't stop shaking I am so
I can't stop shaking I am so mad at dh! Bs is going to feel so left out and hurt by this. He has told dh how much he wants to go to Universal. He has been asking us to take him.
let dh go with his kids, you
let dh go with his kids, you take just your bs another time
crackergirl, with respect I
crackergirl, with respect I think you are going to turn this in to a war. If you want to take your son to Universal, cancel your leave and do it when you can take your son. Politely decline your husbands offer of a holiday without fighting or casting aspersions.
My daughters go on holidays my SS doesn't get to go on and vice versa. It's never been a fighting point for us. I don't go on these holidays with my SS for obvious reasons. I honestly couldn't care less if my husband planned a holiday with his son to Cyprus and my daughters couldn't go. Bear in mind one of my daughters is also my husbands daughter.
Wave bye and smile when they go then plan your holiday with your son once he returns. This is not a biggie in my book. Your husband is behaving like a child, don't buy in to it.
best part of it all.... he
best part of it all.... he son gives a dang about it...
he's going on holiday with his family who will spoil him rotten
OMG, i can't imagine living
OMG, i can't imagine living like this. I agree he is playing games, games that are pretty cruel given the histrory.
I have next week off of work
I have next week off of work for school break. Dh told me last night he took next week off to and we should go camping.
It was bm's time. He asked her for the kids. I would have had the house to myself and then just me and dh at night.
So, he did not even talk it over with you beforehand? Him taking off work, getting the kids, and planning a vacation?
That alone would piss me off and that's what I would have focused on. I wouldn't have let it be about his kids going or your son not going but about thinking you were going to have a relaxing week off and him making other plans, expecting you to just go along.
Not everybody wants to go on a vacation, sometimes it's nice to stay home when one has time off of work.
Meh. Flat out tell DH you
Meh. Flat out tell DH you were wrong. Admit you were being a selfish behind when you wanted him to take you and just your son to Universal. Ditch his own. You were wrong and you now realize just how he must have felt when you suggested such a thing.
Go on to say that if he wants to take his children camping or down to Florida for the Universal/Disney activities, he should do so. If you and your son have a chance (perhaps next the next long weekend off school) you and your son will do a Mom/son getaway. That family trips including both adults need to include well, the family. All the kids. Adult getaway includes only adults.
Tell him if another chance arises where all the kids are off and can go, you and son would love to be invited along. He should go ahead, have a fun Dad/kids trip.
Most importantly. Mean it.
I love Disney and go multiple
I love Disney and go multiple times a year. But taking children to Disney is WORK! I've taken young nieces and nephews (without their parents). It was not a vacation.
A parent (or close relative like me) gets joy out of this effort - but I don't think it is a good way to foster family blending at all. Kids get tired and cranky. Even the happiest intact family often experiences a bump or two (or meltdown) on a trip like that.
I'd just stay home and let DH and his kids go have fun. The kids would most likely prefer time with just their dad. And try to be happy for them.
SS and his GF are crazy about how their 8 month old baby LOVES Disney. I know that they would like us to take them to Disney. Won't happen for several reasons. But even if I adored all of them, that's something I would pass up. I'd be okay with DH going (but DH would NOT be paying for the trip).
DH is being an a$$. By the
DH is being an a$$. By the sound of things he is doing it on purpose. It wasn't even his week with the Skids. He knew your BS would be gone and knew you would be off work. He was testing you about the camping trip. Since you declined he is throwing it in you're BS and your face about going to Disney and Universal. Why does your son have to know? He already has a planned vacation that he has been looking forward to for a long time. Why would you ask him to choose or even let DH ask him. That is rubbing salt in a wound.
If you want to save your marriage I would go with DH and the skids and take your son another time. Let the ship in the past stay in the past and move forward from here.
Who knows maybe your DH really hasn't made any of these plans and is just seeing how you will react to his BS. Which is really cruel, but he is getting his point across. When will it stop? That's what you have to ask yourself? are you willing to put up with this going forward.
This is what frustrates me
This is what frustrates me about some people. If you are married to someone, you SHOULD be able to have an honest conversation with them.
In this case, it seems like instead of FUMING, the OP should talk to her DH.
Her talking points?
1. I was surprised that you took time off from work and changed your custody time with the kids without talking to me about it first.
2. THAT was why I seemed a bit put off for a camping trip since you kind of sprung it on me with no warning.
3. I really wish we could put off a trip to Disney/Universal until all the kids can go together. BS is going to be especially hurt because of the trip he missed when my work got in the way of the drop off for his school trip.
4. Is there some compromise we can work out? Maybe a short camping trip with your kids and then a couples weekend just for us? We can go to Disney during fall break when everyone is free.
I just don't know why it's so hard to calmly communicate sometimes. It's like when I try to coordinate stuff with my YSD that involves her BF or his family. She won't ask him and it is like she is afraid to.. it really bugs me.
I don't care what tit for tat
I don't care what tit for tat crap went on in the past, leaving one kid, any kid, out of a week long trip to Disney is cruel. He shouldn't have to pay for his 'parents' immaturity.
My DH and his 2nd wife (not
My DH and his 2nd wife (not BM) took several vacations without SS30. I originally thought that 2nd wife was the bitch from hell for her treatment of SS. But once I learned the real history of SS (and his older criminal murderer older brother) I totally understood. And 2nd wife was paying for these trips anyway.
I see no problem with your DH taking his children on a trip like this - but he should not expect you to go too. Nor should he object if you decide to take your son at a later date on your own. But no way he should insist that you go. As I mentioned in an earlier post - taking young children to Disney is hard work.