Ugh. (Warning....it's a long, pathetic one)
That's all I have to say today. Ugh.
I am beginning to question my own point of view. Maybe I'm the crazy one. Maybe I see the world jaded. Maybe I am not capable of being a good person. Maybe I deserve all of this.
Here is my personal tale of woe with my oldest biological child. I am laying it all out there because I am just trying to do what's right and I know a lot of us have been on a different side of the fence. Here goes.
I dated a man who was 8 years my senior at the age of 16 and became pregnant at 17. We were actually broken up at the time and being the pathetic young girl I was, when I received the call from an ex who was obviously intoxicated and horny....there I was to cater to whatever he wanted. Anyways, when I found out that I was pregnant, he proceeded to deny that he was the father. You know the drill. He then proceeded to ignore every attempt I made to contact him.
I weighed my options (abortion, adoption, etc.) and decided regardless, I would bear the child. Seven months into my pregnancy, I made the decision to keep him. (My mom is my hero for allowing me all of this.) Even when he was born, his bio dad was very mean and hateful. When mutual friends would confront him and inform him that "Colorado Girl's son looks JUST like you", he would not only deny it, but disparage what little dignity I had left. Finally, out of anger I went to the local child support office. Through genetic testing and a financial affidavit, he was proven the father and ordered to pay child support in the amount of $300 per month. My son was almost 2 by now and he still refused to acknowledge him in any way. He didn't pay his support so CSE garnished his paycheck. Then he quit his job and the money stopped and I gave up on him ever being a father. I moved on. I got married and had another child and both my kids call my (ex)husband "Daddy". Even after the divorce, BOTH of my kids exercise the parenting plan that was adopted for my youngest. My exH really stepped up to the plate and loves my son like his own. I, however, have always been completely honest with my son and that there is another man out there that is responsible for him being born....not the life he lives, just being here in the first place.
Fast forward to when my son is 10. His biodad had a sudden surge of conscience and wants to establish a relationship with his son. He has had four more children (all girls by four different moms) and he says that he is a great dad to all of them. He has also taken a job as a cook for a civil contractor that is working in Iraq. He wants to meet BS10 before he goes because he just may never get the chance again. Initially I said absolutely not because I felt he was just too young to understand the magnitude of the situation but after a year, I leave it up to BS10 and he agrees to meet him out of pure curiousity. It goes fine and biodad showers BS10 with gifts and praise and yadda, yadda, yadda. Then he leaves for Iraq again. BS10 starts having serious issues in school and crying to his teachers that he's confused. Then exH is furious with me along with my entire family (DH included) because they all feel that this man has an alterior motive. So, the next time biodad comes for a visit, BS11 absolutely does not want to visit him....he wants to go with his daddy (exH). Of course biodad is FURIOUS but I say, "maybe next time".
So now, 6 mos ago, biodad comes back for a visit and we all go bowling and biodad ignores BS11 and talks on his phone the entire time. I was disgusted as was my son. I have a long discussion with BS11 and he tells me that he doesn't care either way if he ever sees him again and that he already has a dad. I didn't tell biodad of our conversation and figure we can cross that bridge once he visits again.
So here's the stinker. CSE finally caught up with him 4 months ago. They froze all his assests and drained his accounts and paid me for the alomost 7 years that he had neglected to pay me child support. For the first time since his birth, he's current. He offered to sign away his rights if I gave him the money back which I chose not to do. I told him that if he wanted to sign away his rights, that would waive all FUTURE payments and I'd be willing to do that. He told me no. He is spiteful and malicous in all his correspondence to me now. He says I'm a thief and a bad person. Worst of all, though, he is threatening to ask for joint custody (half the time) of my BS11.
My lawyer says it's possible...unlikely, but possible. I've petitioned the court for "sole" custody but if he contests it (I can't even locate him to serve the papers) than I may be looking at a very ugly custody battle.
What do you all think? Especially those of you that have skids that you don't get to see. Everything in me says that my son is better off without this man. I feel like all this is an attempt at retaliation towards me. I am at the end of my rope and I'm getting ready to tie a noose and hang it around his neck. He really is a piece of shit in my book.
Am I wrong? I'm asking the courts for sole residential and parental decision making decisons with supervised visitation for biodad at my discretion. I've also offered him to sign away all parental rights along with child support. Please help me.
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Comments
I hope he takes your offer..
I hope he takes your offer.. He sounds like a huge loser.. not to mention he was sleeping w/a minor and he was an "adult".. He is lucky your mom didnt call the cops on his @ss... Actually.. might have saved the other 4 single mom's the problem of dealing w/him.
Problem is.. I think your son is mentally more mature than his biodad.. and I think he lost out not getting to know your son. Seeing as how this jerk doesnt really show up all that often.. I would proceed w/the court papers.. the courts could track him down through where all his stuff was garnished from..
His best bet is to take your offer of waiving all future payments. Sounds like you got a good chunk of change and I would NOT give any of it back.
Technically, though,....
...he has rights.
I want some great force to just tell me what to do. I want to do right by my child but not be one of those people who doesn't allow the biological father of the child to have visitation.
I also am not all that interested in litigating two custody cases at the same time. The only upside to my situation is that I care a lot less about BM these days.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
CG, you tried to do
the right thing and this guy blew it. To me if he signed off on the paper work I would give him back his money rather than risk my son from having to spend time with someone who still is obviously not mature enough to be a father.
Don't beat yourself up for letting BS meet him, how were you to know that it would turn out this way. Like the good woman you are you tried to do the right thing.
I have a friend who was adopted, as a child she always wanted to meet her BM. She had the opportunity to meet her BM, she decides to do it because she wants medical hx for her own sons. My friend finds out that her BF is actually her grandfather,ewwe...Her BM is really screwed up, just a bad situation all around.
After all this info my friend said, there is a reason that things work out the way they do. She said that the whole thing made her love her adopted mother even more & that she thanked God that she was adopted by her parents every day & not raised by the people who created her.
Long story, but maybe this will allow BS to know how much he is loved by you & the man who truly is his daddy and how lucky he is. Pay this scum sucker off & be done with him.
I am so sorry that you & your son are going through this & kuddos to you for being the mom that you are.
I think he'll take the deal.
He wants the money back, but he isn't getting it. His next best choice is to not have to pay any MORE. I truly believe that when push comes to shove, he'll waive his rights just to not have to pay again in the future. I also seriously doubt you'll have a problem getting sole physical and legal custody. There's a history of abandonment there. Years of abandonment and failure to pay CS. Besides, how's he gonna pay a lawyer when you've got all his money?!
I agree. Keep your son away from him if it feels right to you. This is one instance where I totally agree with keeping a child from his father... you just don't abandon a child then decide you want to be a parent ten years later.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
I will only say that....
Having been through a year long custody case that ended up costing us around 5,000 dollars....that giving back the 7 grand to be done with him might not cost so much. I didn't say it was the right thing, just might be the more economical thing.And our case wasn't a "battle" but just the normal steps the courts take to drag it out (court date then court assigns guardian ad litem...meet with GAL, then another court date and GAL recommends high conflict mediation for several months....BM stops that and another court date....BM is asked if she will concede, she says no, another court date set etc etc etc.)
She conceded the night before trial, after the GAL report came out recommending we get full custody, as well as suggesting through SD's psychologist that BM had difficulty with relationships and collaboration, which would have signaled to the judge that she needed a psych eval. BM would sooner die than get psychological help.
I will tell you that one major reason BM spent 5 grand rather than give up in the first place is that she thought we owed her money. In their original agreement BM was to pay child care from CS, and DH was to pay for all camps and over night trips. BM enrolled SD in daycares that put camp in the name- one was the CYC fun and swim camp and the other was a local pool "fun and swim camp." These weren't real camps but since they said camp in the title BM was convinced we should pay. (We even offered for her to drop SD off here every day, to which she said that we needed to take SD to "camp" on our days because I shouldn't be watching her. Obviously, we didn't do that!) Oh- and BM only referred to the places as "camp" when she talked to SD - SD used to call them by their name's (CYC etc) then by the end of the case SD would ask me, "Am I going to camp tomorrow?" I would say, "You mean [Name of pool]?" And SD would look funny and say, "Yeah. CAMP." BM would call her and say, "How was CAMP today?" Ridiculous.
SO.....when people are irrational and behave as this guy is doing, they will spend 10,000 trying to be right and to get their 7,000 back. BM spent 5,000 I'm sure because we had to split all the court, GAL and mediation costs plus we each had our own attorney costs. 5,000 to get 1900 back.
SO...that's all I'll leave you with.
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. This guy is living proof that there are sperm donors in this world. I mean he initiated becoming involved with your son's life, but didn't think he'd have to be financially responsible? What an idiot.
Goodluck
Peace, love, and red wine
BTW I meant to add....
Your son will some day know you were his champion and hero, that you could have given him up or not had him. When he is old enough to wrap his head around this he will really love you all the more for it.
You are an amazing mom.
Peace, love, and red wine
Thanks Zen...
That means a lot.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
That's a tough one
I had a similar situation with my college boyfriend. He absolutely did not want me having the baby (now BD14). I got pregnant at 20. Luckily for me my parents helped also. In my situation we took care of terminating his rights before she was born. He was just so awful about the pregnancy that my parents discussed options with a lawyer then.
So, I'm really inclined to tell you to give the $ back for him to legally be done with it and don't ever let him see your son again. But another part of me does think he's bluffing. How is he going to get 50% visitation anyway when he leaves the country to work?? But he will have some legal rights to your son, probably a minimal of every other weekend. Ultimately it's up to you and that's a tough spot to be in so many years later. I wish you the best
Thank you everyone for your advice...
I spent the afternoon with BS11 yesterday because of an ortho appt. and I had a long talk with him. It went so well.
He told me that he wishes he could just have his normal life back like it was before he met biodad. And I quote, "After 10 years what does he expect?"
So I think I'll just ride this one out. I already filed papers and my expectation is that he will just bail out on the whole situation. (I can only base future behavior on past behavior) I had a hard time dishing over money for a lawyer to maintain my parental status, I don't foresee him doing the same.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
My advice
Talk to your lawyer. Child support is an obligation owed to the child, and while you might right now think it's okay to walk away try pricing a college education. If you get into a custody fight, the judge will consider his visitation/non visitation.
He has five kids by five different women and sees your son twice in a year and now wants custody? Step back from your emotions and think about that for a second. Look at it from a judges perspective. Almost every statute requires "best interest of the child" standard. Try to imagine a judge who would change custody. Your lawyer is doing the right thing by talking about the chances and risks.
Supervised visitation is always a tricky thing, but think on this from another angle. How many visitations has he exercised in 11 years? Sorry, a leopard doesn't change its spots. It might be in the initial responsive pleadings, but I am betting he will never follow through.
Its obvious you love your child. Its also obvious that your ex husband is a decent guy. Keep copies of all the correspondence and give copies to your lawyer. Consider counseling for your son -- sounds like he is okay, but some early care now might prevent big problems down the road. Let him know you love him and he is a special child. Don't bad mouth bio dad, just tell your son you love him and how lucky he is to live a good, happy, healthy life.
I would seriously say talk to you attorney about the child support issue before making a decision. I have a 12 year old daughter and have priced college and it is a huge expense.
Kevin
Thanks Kevin....
I really appreciate (and value) your advice.
I think you've pinpointed my conundrum. The money is of little value to me at this point and it I think it's what bio dad is actually fighting for. I could give the money back but I just don't think it will resolve anything. Plus I'm also very irritated at the fact that this man had over $15,000 sitting in an account but willfully didn't pay his child support for 7 years. I think I would be more understanding if he was as broke I am.
It took me a very long time to forgive biodad and let go of all the anger I had. Now I'm angry again and I just wish that we both had "the best interest of the child" in mind. My ultimate fear is not losing my son or losing a child support payment, my ultimate fear is the anguish of ever having to force a relationship upon my son that he's not really interested in having.
I don't think biodad has changed at all. I don't think the years have matured him whatsoever. He has no repsect for me or all the people that through no obligation, filled the void he left. He has not been humbled, I don't think he's even remorseful. I just don't think he deserves what he's demanding....
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
One word of warning about Bio parents showing back up
A good friend of mine died of a heart attack at age 33. She died of the same thing her own mom died of when she was just a baby, so she knew she may not live forever. She was a very inspiring woman.
Anyway, she had a ten year old daughter. The father bailed on my friend when she was just a baby. But when my friend passed away he showed back up to claim his rights. He had never paid support or seen the child since she was a baby. And her SD had to, after just losing his wife, fight for his SD. It was a long drawn out battle and the SD won custody. BUT the BF did win some parental rights to see his BD. BD didn't want anything to do with him either, but the court did not listen to her wishes.
Crazy.
Just wanted to warn you and it's a warning for us all, especially those who have crazy bio parents out there. Make sure your will is very specific and your child understands somewhat what's in their best interest. It's not a guarantee, but I think will help a judge to decide.
I keep going back and forth on this because I rationally know it would be better for SD to remain in my custody. I think if I said I would do it with no CS BM would go away. Sometimes that's the price we have to pay for the best interest of the child.
We are also putting a clause in our will that if BM fights me for custody then SD's money goes into a trust run by my BIL until she's 18 and can spend it herself anyway.
Peace, love, and red wine