do we have the right to expect our dhs' to be grateful?
i've been struggling with the resentment i have over my dh's responsibility to his first family. yes, i knew he had child support when i met him, and truthfully it didn't bother me. he was also making pretty good money at the time but lost his construction job about a year after we married and has had to accept a lower-paying position and this is when our financial struggles began. he refused to go back to court to get his child support lowered (i didn't push it because his ex and kids were barely making it as it was due to her being a dumbass, but did tell him he had this option), so he continued giving child support based on almost double the income he was/is currently earning. this has caused us great financial stress on top of my struggling business (although without this business, we would not have managed to keep the house), and his reduced income. i did insist that if he wasn't going to try to have child support lowered that he would have to work a part-time job to help support himself.
anway, i am now terribly resentful of all that money going out of our home to supplement their tenement life-style (if bm would do her part, they could live pretty decent), and having to watch my husband exhaust himself working 2 jobs (he'd have to work 2 jobs if he didn't live with me anyway) and the added pressure of us being older and having very little saved for retirement. don't get me wrong, i truly admire him for stepping up to the plate, but i had to force him.
but i know in my heart all this resentment would disappear if i felt he was even a tiny bit grateful. but, he's resentful. he's resentful that he has to work 2 jobs. he blames ME. or, maybe i'm not even looking for him being grateful, just understanding that this is HIS responsibility and i am suffering, too. how do you get a man to see this? i don't know, i guess i'm just venting and looking for some of your views?
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Why would he resent you????
Why would he resent you???? This doesn't make sense. These are not your obligations and you are NOT responsible for paying ANY of the support payments. Not one cent! He needs to be reminded that he made those kids and it is his problem. If he won't do anything to help himself, you need to look after yourself first.
My DH also thought we should pool our funds in the beginning and pay ALL bills including child support out of this pool. I said no way, I am not paying one penny to support your first family nuh uh.
He did understand but I think deep down resented it. That was the least of my worries though since now the kids are long gone and grown up and now SD is still feeling entitled to assets, money etc. It never stops and NOW I AM RESENTFUL. I truly wish i had left years ago and not be where I am today.
he resents me because i made
he resents me because i made him get a second job. i've explained that they are his kids, his responsibility, but he also had a responsibility to me. intellectually he knows this is right, but doesn't keep him from throwing out zingers. like our furnace just died and he commented "i'm not getting a third job". like it's ME working him to death. although i think we're working through this by rearranging our budget, he absolutely refused to spend any part of our christmas money because his little one wouldn't understand. i'm not really pushing it because i don't really want to not have christmas, but i did tell him that if he was in an intact family and the furnace gave out, the kids would just HAVE to understand but because his precious babies came from a busted home, they're entitled to christmas reguardless of their dad having to live in a house with no heat. of course, that's not going to happen, but it still irks me that this is his frame of mind, and something i'm gonna have to fight in the future, seeing as his youngest in only 11. i dread it.
Do you retain the same
Do you retain the same percentage of income your husband pays in CS. I encourage all stepparents to do this. If your husband pays 20% of his income in CS then open a savings account and save 20% of your income solely for your own benefit. So if he loses his job and refuses to have CS lowered based on his old standard and pays 40% then you do the same. Otherwise you're left holding the bag. I think you're DH sees you as more responsible to your household as he is. While he is only responsible to his children. I think the resentment stems from you feeling taken advantage of... My BF has two kids and is obligated by law to pay 34% of his income in CS. I currently save the same amount for myself. If/when we do get married I plan to have a prenuptial agreement owning our home as my separate property. Why? Because my mortgage/insurance/taxes will be less than 34% of my income. This does two things it decrease my resentment because although he has to pay CS I have to maintain that house AND that house will be solely for my children. Yes his kids got more of his income from CS in the beginning but my kids get more in the end. He will have no legacy to leave behind for the SKIDS. Hope BM 1 n 2 saved some of that CS money. Anyhow just my thoughts...
You just helped me justify
You just helped me justify the amount of money that I have worked into the budget to support my crafting hobby and to buy my son some of the wants he's been pining away for since I resigned from my last job and have been going to school full-time.
I just started working at a new job, in the field that I just graduated into. I'm resentful of the amount of CS that my H pays (more than our mortgage payment).
I fully want to contribute to the household (and I need to), but I also don't think it's fair that I get financially drained because of my H's responsibility to pay CS. Perhaps if his kids were at all pleasurable to be around. Or if BM wasn't such a sack of shit. Or if I could, in any way, participate in their upbringing - I would feel better about it. As it is though the kids are rotten to the core, BM *is* a sack of shit, and I have no voice (and usually simply cease to exist or be an important factor at all) when it comes to the skids.
So I am NOT in any sort of frame of mind to be the all-sacrifing and long-suffering wife. Instead, I am going to make sure I gets mine too.
If he's smart he'd be
If he's smart he'd be grateful!
We have an added burden in our situation - Hubs is on permanent disability. CS is taken directly out of his check, which is already not enough to really live on, so without my income there is no way we could support ourselves, let alone the skids. Generally he takes the money for our rent directly out of his account (rent which would be a lot less if we didn't need two more bedrooms for the kids!) but most of the financial obligations of the house fall to me. Groceries, utilities, even saving up money for Christmas and birthday presents. Hell, I even moved to a crappy little town that I had no desire to live in so he could be close to his kids!
Once in a while, it does get to me. When we went birthday shopping for his twins and most of the present selection was up to me (two weeks after I had bought and paid for my own bday gift because he couldn't think of anything) I got more than a bit upset. When we go to the grocery store ahead of a skid weekend and he insists on getting a bunch of extras that I have to pay for, he doesn't understand why I get annoyed. After spending so much on food that's mostly going to be eaten by him and the skids (I'm vegetarian, so when I buy $20 worth of lunchmeat and chicken it's absolutely not equal to the 89 cents I spend for a can of beans that lasts me three days) I'm usually left with next to nothing for myself.
Hubs is occasionally smart enough to give me some due respect for how much I do for his kids. I brought home some candy one day and he gave the kids a talk on how I don't have to do so much extra for them so they need to be sure to thank me for being so nice. It's something small, but it helps to hear it once in a while.
It is awful to know that you're working so hard in part to support someone else's laziness. My Hub's ex refuses to work more than part-time. She and her fiance scam the system every way they can think of, lying and saying he doesn't live with them so she qualifies for more state benefits, while in the meantime Hubs and I get no help. During the summer she gets child support plus state assistance even though, between us, friends and her parents she has the kids less than half the time. We're barely getting by while she takes multiple vacations and gets a new car every two years. But she's the one who cries poverty and whines about how hard she works as a single mother.