Kids deciding if/when they want to see the other parent
I'm looking for advice or if anyone has had experiences with this.....DH and BM have 50/50 custody of SS11, and DH pays child support as well. BM is HC and if not a narcissist, has very strong narcissistic traits, SS11 is her Golden Child. Our households are VERY different, we are by no means perfect, but function much more as a family unit, we sit down for dinners together, play board games, go for walks and bike rides, etc. We tend to be more strict as well, SS has a bed time, we limit screen time, showers are a must, homework has to be completed before video games, etc. BM has 2 older children from a previous marriage, a teenage son, and a younger teenage daughter, SS is often left with his sister, BM usually doesn't get home until between 7 and 9 pm, so a lot of her parenting is done through text, make sure your homework is done, make sure you shower. Basically he has a lot of freedom at mom's house and what kid doesn't want that? He is also her baby, and not just because he is the youngest, they text throughout the days he is with us, constant I love you's and I miss you's. Her telling him that she is lonely without him and can't wait till he gets back to they can snuggle.
So last night we were all sitting down for dinner and we started taking about him getting his license when he is 16 and being able to drive himself back and forth between our house and BM's house, and SS informed us that at 12 he gets to decide who he wants to live with and if he wants to visit us. He said maybe I'll want to be lazy and just lay around at mom's house and not come here.
We don't know where he got that information, but I'm sure it came from BM. She does not encourage or make her older 2 children visit their dad, they are suppose to see him EOWE, and at the most will see him once a month. We do not call SS time with us as visitation, he is not "visiting" his dad, he spends the same amount of time with us as he does with mom. I talked to DH about this later last night, after SS was in bed, and I feel like a jerk because I feel like I burst his bubble, but he honestly thinks that SS is going to "choose" him over his mom. I do not see that ever happening, and I think it is horrible that he should ever be
So here's my question....can a child at 12 really decided if they want to see either parent? What are DH's options if that happens? And what happens to CS calculations if there is a 50/50 arrangement, but SS decides he only wants to come lets say EOWE?
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In my state yes
My SS got to speak to the custody judge, in private, about where he wanted to live; judge then granted DH primary custody (80/20 EOWE for BM, who usually declined even that as her son is NOT a priority). Judge actually made BM leave court to go get SS becaise the judge wanted only to uear two things; why my DH wanted primary custody, and what SS had to say about it. Also, judge got an eyeful of crazy BM telling obviously tall tales, and probably suspected the lies were just that.
So yes, the judge can (at least where we live) consider what the 12+ kid has to say. Suspect your toxic BM is coaching in advance so she "wins" more custody & child support; you may want to lawyer up.
Legally, no it is not up to
Legally, no it is not up to the child and it is OK to tell him he's wrong and present the facts. A judge MIGHT listen to what the child wants, but unless the kid has a better reason than "I like being lazy" no judge will reduce dad's parenting time.
My SS tried this stunt at 12 because of the BS his mother told him. My DH stood firm and had the county deputy show up to BM's when SS refused to get in DH's car. That scared the kid straight, but only for a few years. Ss and SD decided to stop coming at ages 16 and almost 15. Bm allowed it and at that point, my dh didn't fight it. Now the skids are 16 and almost 18. SS comes around once in a while. He brought DH a fathers day card yesterday ( first time ever). So there is still hope for their relationship. Sd is too far up her mom's butt, so be happy your skid is male lol.
I had this whole thing typed
I had this whole thing typed up about how they just take his opinion into consideration (depending on state, mine is at 14, not 12). But likely he'll still have visitation with the other parent and it can only be changed if it goes to court, otherwise BM is in contempt for not making him go...
But then I accidentally refreshed and it vanished... LOL
The age thing as to 'the kid
The age thing as to 'the kid gets to decide' gets really taken as gospel , when in fact (in most states it does not mean what it appears to mean).
In my state, that magical age simply means that if the child is of that age frame if when the initial divorce is happening, the court does take heavy consideration into the child's wishes. To live with Mom or Dad. A judge will talk with the child and take the child's preference into consideration. But it is one part of the consideration.. Is is not a automatic given.
If is not and never was meant to let some 12-14 year old kid make their own decisions and simply go in and tell a judge 'hey, I'm done with Dad, I'm 12 now'.
On the other hand, when a child has it in his/her head (and usually cheered on by the 'favored' parent) he/she does want to come any more or to have set schedules with the opposite household, it becomes very difficult to force the home exchanges. The angry kid acts out, hides at pick-up time, makes the opposite parent's home a nightmare while actually in it and runs up court and lawyer fees like crazy for the parent who dares to fight it.
And once the kid hits HS and has tons of events, activities, friends and even part time jobs, they naturally have a difficult time swinging two households unless the two households are close in vicinity and willing to work together to accommodate a busy active involved teen.
There is no given age in my
There is no given age in my state but the Judge will talk to the child privately and take into consideration the child's wishes. Although if the kid tells the Judge he just wants to "be lazy," I don't think that is going to fly with the Judge.
I seem to recall hearing this
I seem to recall hearing this bit of urban legend when I was younger... I think the kids get these ideas in their heads amongst themselves sometimes. I think your DH ought to set him straight in that he indeed will most likely NOT get to make his own decisions on that subject. It's possible your DH may be more flexible... but it is the adult's final say.. not the kid.
In March, SD14 decided she
In March, SD14 decided she hated it in our house, and the school, the area, everything so she stopped coming. She'd just put herself on the bus and take herself to BMs. Then, BM would let her stay - that's the catch. BM supported her decision without any conversation with DH. DH also ignored the situation for months, until the end of May, when a family counselor was sought. SD14 has attended one session and I'm not holding my breath that either DH or BM will ensure she gets more, or that BM will go. I'm willing to go. DH is willing to go (and in fact has his own counselor now). But so long as one parent doesn't care, then IMHO nothing can be done short of going to court.