Am I really the bad guy?
My husband got his last pay stub of the year yesterday which included an 18,000 bonus for a total of $134,000. How much do we have in our checking account? A little over $1000. The skids ordered Uber Eats for lunch and pizza for a late night snack. I dont know how much Uber Eats was but pizza order was over $30 for a 9pm late night snack for these fat cows. I dont know his exact take home but with CS he gets from BM maybe close to 90,000. He spent 90,000 this year with the 8,000 tax return he got due to getting married in 2018 and having 4 kids he got a big return (and kept all of the return including my part if the return as I worked 2 jobs before we were married and usually got a good return. )
I took home around $20,000 in 2019 and maybe $30,000 in 2018. In the 19 months we've been married, I managed to pay off a $20,000 car(he took a 5 year loan on a used car so he's still paying off his 2011 Honda). I also opened a CD for 20,000 this year as well as having $20,000 in CDs and accounts pre-marraige.
He pays for my car insurance, phone and gym membership as well as what it costs to have me live here....some hot water for showers and electricity. Maybe $300-400 per month. I buy groceries, gas and household items for myself and HIS family, as well as helping out my son occasionally who was temporarily off work this year for a car accident. In exchange for this 400 per month, i am the live in nanny and house maid. I get the kids off to school and help out for all of the breaks and institute days.
In my last post I was told I am using my husband for money. Tell me who is getting the better end of the deal and who is using who?
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But - you said yourself that
But - you said yourself that the only reason you stay was because he supports you and that allows you not to work. That's what generated those comments. And yes, he appears to benefit too. So if you are both okay with the deal and neither of you loves the other or sees this as anything other than a business transaction, then it's all good.
But if he loves you and thinks it's a real marriage, then this is unfair to him no matter how he benefits. IMO.
ETA: just read your comment to me in your last blog - like I said, perhaps having you not work was his way of keeping you stuck, then? Either way - I think getting back to work full-time as a first step would make it easier for you to leave a situation that you are obviously miserable in.
I wasn't upset or hurt
I wasn't upset or hurt feelings at the comments in the last post. It's the truth, except that Im not using DH. I went in to this marriage to be a partner with my best friend. If I could magically go back to working and being independent I would. Like I said, I've gotten a little too comfortable in my life. I can't rely on DH forever as I dont see the gimme gimme gimme of the skids ending anytime soon. Im so wondering how $100,000+ of adult income was spent as well as the 2 oldest work and spend every dime. So between DH & I and the 2 girls this household brings in close to $200,000 before taxes. Im the only one who has anything to show for it.
Also my dad is a millionaire. Worked 2 jobs his whole life, even after retirement he got a 2nd and 3rd job to supplement his pension. Saved and made good investments. Im definitely my father's daughter. When i was young, i lived on 18,000/yr with 2 small kids. Once my kids were 18+ i was able to start saving. Im at about 40k in 5 years
I guess I struggle with "I
I guess I struggle with "I hate it here" and "I'm too comfortable here". How do those reconcile?
I personally could not be with anyone who spent his money frivolously, DH and I are both frugal. So what stops you from working full-time?
Also - you are able to save because you aren't fully self-supporting.
Comment below was meant to be
Comment below was meant to be response to your question tog
Im not always comfortable in
Im not always comfortable in my own home because the skids live here and I dont feel welcome at times but the older skids are gone a lot for school and work and the little ones are more welcoming. What I mean by comfortable is the easy part time job yet my expenses are paid. It is the way DH wanted it and still does. When i realized the mistake I made and talked about going back to work, he almost cried and said the words "I CAN'T GO BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS" meaning he works a lot and couldn't go back to handling the household also. I have trained the little skids to be more self sufficient so it would be easier now. At this point I feel like I could go back to work as a teacher next school year. I believe DH knows that would be my first step out the door so he might fight it a little.
I was able to save money before I was married. I had some money coming in to the marriage but bought a new(used) car and gave DH my car so Princess could drive his. Like i said he's not exactly getting nothing out of the deal. For the few extra bucks it cost him to have me around he gets plenty.
I agree, he definitely
I agree, he definitely benefits. It's not a deal I'd make, because I'd rather work 2 jobs than clean the house and watch someone else's kids, but if it works for both of you, then maybe the good outweighs the bad and you should stay.
I'm sure a reason that he
I'm sure a reason that he doesn't have money in the bank is also based on the fact that you aren't working as well as his soft spot for his kids. I don't know what his housing and other debt may be.. what his healthcare costs may be etc.. either.
I don't know what you mean about who is getting the better deal. He has someone that he supports (mostly) in exchange for childcare and household things.. and you get to live in a nice home and not work full time out of the home.
If it is not worth it to YOU.. then you have every right to go to him and tell him that you want to return to work and transition to a full financial partner and he can have some of his money freed up to pay for childcare etc..
Some people would envy your position.. some people wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole.. only you and he know the true value to each of you and to your partnership as a couple.
I agree. Id rather be in my
I agree. Id rather be in my position....oh poor me I have to load the dishwasher and look at his disgusting children all day. So many here are very stuck in abusive relationships...my favorite is the one who has to stay with the sex abuser for a SS to protect her child from unsupervised visits with dad. Im the 1st to admit that my problems are 1st world problems. I miss my independence and I have to work to get it back. It's not just going to fall in my lap.
I can't agree that he has no money in the bank because of me. I have added more to the house than Ive taken by far. Like I said, i come with 2 cars and what I do for the kids far out weighs what I take. He literally spends $200 + whatever it costs to keep me here. Since I buy more than my share of groceries(we dont nitpick who buys what), Im practically free to him. Health insurance is included 100% in his employment and the $800 in my portion of med bills and surgery last year he paid with a card that he gets through his employer for every hour he works they add money for med expenses. Since my surgery + my kids health expenses paid the family deductibles due to their health problems. We hit the max out of pocket so his kids went to the dr for free most of the year...but yes my kids are lucky provides them with insurance.
I didn't say "just because of
I didn't say "just because of you" but if you were paying for a portion of rent etc.. and the cost of car insurance for two vehicles isn't insignificant necessarily.
Suffice to say.. if you were to pay your share of the full household expenses.. it would free up some of his income. But... certainly his indulgence of his kids contributes to his tight bank account as well.
I understand 1st world problems.. it doesn't mean that it still can't be a gripe every now and then..lol.
I am one of 6 people in the
I am one of 6 people in the house. There is no way Im paying for skids housing. If he needs help he can try to up the CS from $50 week. By calculating her approx income by 30%, he is entitled to at least 200/wk but wont take the Golden Uterus back to court. I dont think 30% is even correct for 3 minors + one in college. I have a lot of resentment toward BM but i will not be going back to work to support her kids that live with me. All of the animosity in my voice here is not directed at you but bm & duh
I understand... you shouldn't
I understand... you shouldn't be subsidizing them..lol. Your share would be 1/6th as he should be responsible for himself and the stepkids.
I know it's frustrating.. my DH's EX was always nickel and diming him.. thankfully since the girls are adults.. THAT has stopped..lol