Princess and her Knight in shining armor... aka My DH
First to recap... I have been really trying with SD4. She's not giving me much in return, but I am really trying. DH has noticed and he told me he appreciates my efforts. I have been really trying to include her, and communicate with her, and I am trying to slowly build a relationship with her. She has taken baby steps, still ignores me most of the time... it's okay, I'm gonna keep trying.
Last weekend was insanely busy. Rush here, rush there, ya know the drill. So Sunday after church DH and I were in "chill" mode. Ready to lay out by the pool, grill, just hang out. The kids were in trouble and not allowed to join us in the pool until they finished a list of chores.
DH and I are relaxing in the pool, talking and having some drinks. We were really having a nice time. The kids finished their chores, and we invited them to come swim with us. They all jumped in, we were laughing and having a great time. Before the kids got into the pool, DH and I discussed several things, the baby issue, my efforts with SD4, and also dinner. So as all of the kids are swimming around us, I said hey guys, come here, I want to take a vote!
DH gives me this look, and says, "Don't you dare take a vote about SD4." ??????????? WTF???? I had not said one single negative thing about her. NOTHING. I had been positive. I looked at him and asked why in the hell he thought I was going to say something about SD4, that I was actually going to take a vote on what the kids wanted us to grill. He apologized, but I wanted an explanation. I asked him why he went there. Why did he automatically assume I was about to insult SD4? I tried to get him to acknowledge that he was the problem. I am trying with SD4 and we are making some progress. I told him that it seemed like he stood in front of SD4 marching in full armor ready to attack if SD4S honor is threatened. He disagreed.
He said he didn't know why he said it. He apologized for it. I accepted his apology, but I can't get past the fact that he sat there ready to attack, when I hadn't even given the slightest hint that I was about to insult or attack his princess... I can't win.
On a positive note, SD4 went to Grandmas for 3 weeks!
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Uggg, that happened to me
Uggg, that happened to me early on in the process, only it was then SS4 who is now SS6.
He used to physically and verbally hurt my BD5 who is now BD7. Anyway, we didn't get off to a good start. DH and I had it out. I agreed to work harder with SS and he agreed to do more about the bullying.
I worked really hard, like you made very slow progress since SS hated me anyway - I thought things were going well and DH pulled out a, I know you hate my kid line for no reason.
It was something like, well lets change weekends for whatever plan we were making to a non skid weekend and DH immediately assumed it was because I hate SS. I never really recovered from that.
I often wonder if DH is just projecting his own feelings of SS on me then taking it on me out of guilt.
He used to physically and
He used to physically and verbally hurt your BD 5...and you are still with him?
Yes - I am still with him.
Yes - I am still with him. When we first moved in - SS, then 4 hit, pushed, bit and threw things. This was 'allowed' as he did this to his older sister constantly. It was excused because, he was just a baby, or he didn't know better.
Within the first week of us moving into the new house we purchased, he decided to make my BD5 his new target. He had her in tears constantly. This was 3+ years ago and somehow I have never been able to get past it - I hold so much resentment against this 6 year old I can't even describe it.
DH and I had a massive argument by the end of the first week. As you can imagine - I had zero tolerence for SS hurting my BD - zero tolerance meant dragging him to his room - dragging - since he had never been punished in his entire life, he would kick scream until he was hoarse, bite and punch at me. I once even held his door shut because he wouldn't stay in his room and he kicked it for 30 mins straight screaming at the top of his lungs. Believe me, it was all I could do to not back hand him - I am strict, but I don't hit kids - i can tell you it took everything in me not to throttle this child.
DH said he couldn't lock SS in his room constantly, I told DH I can't allow my children to live in an abusive household. DH talked to SS about it - nothing was getting better during the second week. I trained BD5 to leave the situation, I stayed very close to her at all times and removed her from the situation. I called SS4 out on it every single time telling him to stop being a bully which was BD5's queue to go to her room to play alone. It was only a little better, then I did the unimaginable, I took my BD5, I sat her down, I looked into those sad little eyes after SS4 shoved her onto the floor and I said, BD5 - you are bigger and stronger than SS4. The next time he pushes, he punches, he tries to bite you, you take a big breath, you make a big fist and you punch him as hard as you can in the nose - and you do it twice as hard as you possibly can - you scream at the top of your lungs and tell him to NEVER TOUCH YOU AGAIN. BD5 got all teary and said, but Mama - hitting is bad!! I said - you are going to do this one time. You will get a punishment but he will never hit you again.
Well, BD5 did half of it - he punched her in the back (he likes to do this) and she turned around and screamed at him at the top of her lungs - and pushed him (not punched) so hard that he practically did a backward summersault. He never physically hurt her again.
Verbally has taken time - BD5, now 7 almost 8 has learned words don't hurt and she cuts him down fast - her latest response is, whateva and she walks away.
Also, not that proud of this but during that time frame - SS6 came behind me and hit me with a foam bat in the back. I told him to stop, he did it again - I caught it and hit back in the back of the knees hard enough to make him fall - I shouted!! THIS IS FUN ISN'T - LETS DO IT AGAIN!! STAND UP!!! WANNA DO IT AGAIN???? He shook his head. I dropped the bat and said, then don't hit others - they dont' like it either. He hasn't hit me, bit me since.
SS6 is in constant trouble at school for physical offenses. They do not happen in MY house with MY kids - that got corrected here, but only here.
^^^^THIS IS AWESOME^^^^ Kudos
^^^^THIS IS AWESOME^^^^
Kudos to you for having your BD stand up for herself. At least you attempted to have her "turn the other cheek" initially. Sometimes you have to speak to people in their language, SS's is violence and that's what he understands.