Make BM Deal With It?
I am really starting to wonder if things will ever "settle" down with regards to BM. It always seems just when things start going good and we get into a groove, something comes up to throw it all out of whack. Their divorce was finalized just this past march, after a 3 year battle, then just last week BM decided that SS3 needed to be with BF more often because she can't stand the sight of him and he pisses her off because SS reminds her too much of BF, so it's back to court they go. I just want to scream at her, Why couldn't you have just done this in the first place, when BF was asking you for that?! Instead you had to drag it out for 3 years, and cost him thousands of dollars in attorney's fees! What is wrong with you? I just don't get it.
SS has been sick the last few days, can't go to daycare and BM has been texting and calling BF telling him he needs to come get SS because she can't handle him and her daughter (not BF's). We did have SS Monday to make up for a missed day last week, but otherwise he has told her no because for one BF goes to school and has a ton of homework to get done before we go out of town this weekend, second of all, it's her damn week! Is it wrong of him/us to want her to just have to deal with it? I don't think that every time she feels she can't "handle" him, that she should immediately call BF and tell him that he needs to take SS. Your his mother deal with it. Maybe it seems a bit selfish but BF doesn't feel that he should be taking SS on her time because of her inability to handle him, especially since he is still paying her CS (they're going to court in a month to change this) and because she fought tooth and nail to try and get it so BF only had EOW and Wednesday. On the other side of it BF wants to agree and take SS because honestly we feel that we provide a more stable environment for him at our house, especially emotionally, but he will not be at her beck and call. It's so frustrating.
Also, BF was taking SS back to BM's the other day, he did not want to go btw, never does. Then as they are driving into town SS asks BF "are you going coming into mommy's house and stay there with us?" BF tells him no, SS then says "mommy said you were going to stay with us." WTF! BM has been telling SS that daddy is going to come and stay with them! BF told him no, mommy and daddy have their own houses, and that mommy and daddy don't live together. I don't know if she's losing it or what, or why she would tell him that. I know that SS has started talking to BM about me, just asking where I am, and when he was sick a few weeks ago and he was with BM he said he wanted to see me. I think that bothers her and am thinking that that is maybe a little part of why she is acting like this. I know that the last time BM and BF talked she asked a lot about me, like do I get along with SS, does SS like me, am I good with him? and honestly SS and I get along pretty well and I know he likes me. BF made sure to assure her though that she is his mother, not me, that SS and I are more like buds, which is fine with me. I don't love him like he was my own son, but rather like he is my nephew.
I'm just about emotionally spent when it comes to her, and I feel bad for SS, not knowing how exactly she is treating him. We would love to be the primary household for SS but fear the fight that would come along with it would be pointless because it's so hard to take that away from the mother.
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I think you are right in
I think you are right in making her deal with the kids. Unless she is going to give up custody, which it appears she isnt willing to do, she needs to learn how to handle them. Our BM use to come crying to DH everytime the kids were "naughty" and DH would "talk to the kids for her". I disagree with that completely. You are always a parent regardless of who the kids are with but so is she and she needs to find a way to cope.
I understand how frustrating it is just when you think things are calm, all hell breaks loose because we go through the same things. There is no good formula for understanding some BM's. My DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2 and BM still gives us hell regularly. Its the nature of the beast...the key is finding good ways to cope
No, I don't think it's wrong
No, I don't think it's wrong to let her learn to handle him and keep him on HER court-ordered days. I know some people might disagree with that. I'm in a VERY similar place as you with this thing and some advice I've gotten is that if you love having the kid then just take him every chance you get, whether it is doing the BM a favor or not. I get that, but at the same time the kid needs to be with mom too. And if mom is never encouraged to be an active parent (testing new parenting strategies, being active in the kid's life, not letting the kid rule the household), then she NEVER will...and the bad behaviors will continue. We also feel we provide a more stable environment then our BM and definitely take the kids many times when we aren't supposed to have them. But very OFTEN we try to get BM to "cope" with being a mother.
Our BM refuses to take SS2 to gymnastics classes because "he doesn't listen" to her and runs around the whole time. HE IS TWO! ALL of the kids run around...that's the point! Let them play and burn off some energy. It's a parent-tot class, so parents just pretty much follow their kid around and let them play on the trampolines, pits, gymnastics mats and stuff. Big deal. She says she "just can't handle him" and that he's too much for her. We have a hard time sympathizing for her because she won't just be a MOTHER and give him any consequences. If he acts up, my DF takes him into the bathroom and they sit there until he's ready to participate again and understands that they will leave if he isn't listening. We've told BM that this really works, but she refuses to do anything like that when she takes them. She just looks around like she's embarrassed yet she won't do a thing about it. It's just her way of playing the victim...if a parenting strategy actually WORKS (*gasp*) then she won't be able to use the kid's behavior as a way to get any sympathy!!!!
If you guys want to get more
If you guys want to get more custody, then I reckon you should take any extra days that you possibly can - that way, she won't be able to fight against it in court so much, whereas if you're refusing extra days she could use that against you.
That is a good point. I wish
That is a good point. I wish I could say it would baffle me if we did try for primary custody and BM fought it and made a big stink about it(when right now she is trying to get BF to take SS way more than 50% of the time anyway) but sadly it wouldn't surprise me at all.
Yes I agree that is a good
Yes I agree that is a good point. It is always nice to have another opinion. I always think how frustrating it is that BM won't step up and be a responsible mother. I think we keep feeling like maybe she will change and we won't have a fight for custody then.