Give-up?
When is the time to give up? My SO says when it comes to children "you raised and guide them until they are 13 or 14, then you turn them loose and see how you have done". So, I guess this means if SD11 hasn't gotten it by then, we can send her to mother and say "We did all we could?"One can only hope.
I want so much for her to be more than her mother is, I fear for her life, a life of problems, bad relationships with men, maybe her own children one day, friends she will mistreat and lose, because of the way she is and is going to be. Her work ethic,I see her on public assistance or her using men or men using her, just to have a place to live and food on the table. I am not one for doing things just because society says that is way things should be done,BUT we don't have to be heathens either.
How do you show a child that just because "I love my mother" and "she is the only mother I will ever have", does not mean you have TO BE HER, be yourself. When I met SD she was 18 months old, she was so smart, shy yet loving, fun to be around. Now I actually hate this child. I also hate the person I have become from dealing with this sh*t. I started out independent, strong and understanding. Now I am fat, useless, bitter, and angry.
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My SO says when it comes to
My SO says when it comes to children "you raised and guide them until they are 13 or 14, then you turn them loose and see how you have done".
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
:jawdrop:
He really said that?? OMG.
I will give up on my Step
I will give up on my Step Kids when they have graduated high school, then college. When they are living on their own with total stability.
At 13-14 they are still kids. they still have a tremendous amout of learning to do, they are far from being adults...
I will NOT GIVE UP!
I would at least give it to
I would at least give it to 17 because they can't work until 16, see how they do first but you will always have to be there to guide them every so often.
He means their morals and
He means their morals and ethics, how they are going to handle those situations that involve morals and ethics, not physically. They still need adults help them, but by then they are pretty much who they are going to be.
Having known SD13.5 and
Having known SD13.5 and SS12.5 since they were 7 and 8 and seeing the growth and transformation in both of them, I would say that yes, by about 13-14 years of age, if they are being rude, disrespectful, breaking the law, failing in school etc. I would say that is probably the path that they are going to continue down (without some type of drastic intervention)
I so disagree with this.
I so disagree with this. That is the BEST time to be a parent. That is when they NEED the most parenting. Thank GOD my mom and dad did not think like your DH. I was a raving, crazy 13 year old. (as are most 13 year olds) I am most certainly not the person now that I was at 13. THANK GOD AND MY PARENTS!! Lol.
I hope he re thinks his philosophy on this!!!
Are you not like this because
Are you not like this because you took the lessons your parents gave you and put them into action? This is what I mean, in normal situations, a child without a a crazy, no-good parent learns consequences of their actions and adjusts accordingly throughout their life. but children like my SD will not because they see otherwise. We had decent normal parents that is why we are OK. I fear my SD will never be OK, ever.
I firmly believe that kids
I firmly believe that kids learn how to be who they “are” in the years from 11-17. That is when they learn how to be a good adult. Before that they are learning manners.
I disagree as well. I can't
I disagree as well. I can't believe someone would think that way. My SS is 13 and the changes in him this last 6 months living with us full time are remarkable. He has gone from c's and D's to A's and B's in a few months. His personality is still evolving. This kid that everyone thought was ADD and Aspergers is doing great... They are not "done" at 13 or 14. They are still a work in progress until finishing college...They need guidance and structure until they are out on their own and even then still need their parents. Shame on him for thinking that he is done when they reach 13.
I agree with JSmom. Even
I agree with JSmom. Even though it can be very hard dealing with sk. It is our responsiblity to show them guidance till they are gown. Between 8-18 are the years that they start to push boundries and try new things. They need someone to help them make good choices. And some one to say no. Please don't give up even if the bio parents have. Someday they'll thank you for trying.
My SD15 lives with us and she
My SD15 lives with us and she is a mean person like her mother. My DH says he has given up that she will ever be nice, caring, loving, generous, etc. My DH raised her from when she was little because her mother was never really around. Yet somehow she is her mother. She is uncaring and mean and its all about what she can get from you. She uses people and cares about no one but herself all the time.
She was raised in a loving environment. My DH would give you the shirt off his back and is extremely caring and generous yet she has none of his qualities. I would say she wasn't even his child but she looks just like him even though she is a girl.
So he says he has given up. I agree. We can't change her personality. I have my own daughter who is 9 and ours together who is 3 and they are extremely caring and giving and sweet kids. Somehow SD is like the spawn of the devil. I feel like we live with BM.
So I think I get what he is saying. My DH says he does not understand how she turned out so mean. Her grades are not a problem as she always gets mostly A's and some B's. She is booksmart, but no common sense at all.
I'm in the same situation
I'm in the same situation with my SD17. She is **exactly** like her "perfect" bio-daddy - rude, egotistical, arrogant, condescending, uses people for her own gain with no concern for their feelings or well-being, etc. This is with her being around DW and I over 90% of the year. "Perfect" bio-daddy only sees her 2 days a month, and a few weeks in the summer, but she is just like him, and has none of DW's personality characteristics.
I think that it varies from kid to kid, but for most kids are pretty set in their ways by the time they are 13. In SD17's case, I am quite certain that she is a lost cause.
I feel you. I'm sad for SD10
I feel you. I'm sad for SD10 but she is her mother. My only prayer is that she will go live with her. Any amount of fighting is not going to make her not her mother. I think our SDs are twins! I've been following your blog and everything you say is so very familiar to me!
Thank you understanding what
Thank you understanding what I meant and not what was said, I never said a child should ever be left to fend for themselves, my question was when do you give up because the lessons you are living and teaching are not getting through because of BM and her example. I used what he said to mean so we will eventually know that we had no affect on his daughter and to let her go to her mother and hope for the best.
cat1964 - I know it is not
cat1964 - I know it is not the popular opinion of other posters, but I have to say that on the whole I agree with your SO. My view is that it is like paying money into a savings account, you can only "pay in" up to a certain age, after this you can only withdraw ie reap the consequences of what you have paid in. The only question is, what is the age when you stop paying in? I think it is probably in the early teens, by then, personalities are LARGELY (not completely) formed.
I am not saying that after that you should stop having input into a child's development, their parent and peer influences still matter a lot, and contribute to the sort of adult they will become, but the basic building blocks have been laid and cannot be changed, IMHO.
That analogy fits real well,
That analogy fits real well, doesn't mean a person can't change ever,but it usually takes something traumatic, and this is what I am trying to avoid happening to my SD. But Alas I think at least for me it is time to stop paying in!
Children of blended families
Children of blended families have a negative, which children in original families don't, I think they don't know where they belong. But I also think they sometimes make things harder than they have to be. Why do you have to fight with the people, who fought so hard to give you a stable and loving home :?