Its not fair...Childish I know, but true.
I realize I am a little sensitive right now but I am really having a problem with what I perceive as critizism of my parenting skills by my DH. My DH is a pretty negative guy anyway and really only offers his opinions on things if its to show how he thinks I can improve on something. He doesn't compliment or even mention if I am doing things that he considers good. So over the years, I have gotten used to not hearing nice things. Fine, whatever. I know he loves me and cares about me and I know he thinks I am a good mom overall to our BD2.
BUT...he never has any critizism about the BM to his 2 sons. This woman has never held a job because she is scared that the amount of CS would go down. She puts all of her children in camps and daycares to give her free time to volunteer and go out with the girls. Oh yeah, and takes several vacations a year (vacations from what is what I want to know). And then complains she doesn't have any money. She has convinced SS12 that he is intellectually disabled and has had him drugged for the past 7 years. And DH says nothing!!! Not even to me, in private.
I know intellectually that it is apples to oranges. But I can't help feeling compared. I mean, if silence is consent, then she is doing everything right. Then he has the balls to come to me and say he thinks its too dangerous for me to take DD2 on a bike ride to the mailbox. We live 12 miles from the nearest town. What is really going to happen?
I think he basically overcompansates because he doesn't feel he can say anything to her. So he says everything that comes to his mind to me.
I HATE IT!!!!
I am just really sad and angry right now. I hate being made to feel DH thinks that I don't measure up to his ex wife in the area of motherhood. Like I said, I know intellectually it isn't true but right now my heart feels that way.
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I Can Relate..
DH and I have had to file harassment charges and restraining orders against his "poor darlings", but my son left a box of matches by the fire and it rained last night. I'M to blame, and he's furious!! My son has done a horrible thing, apparently. I heard about it for quite a while. His kids can threaten, harass, etc. and it's because they have come from a broken home. GEEZ!
All I can say is...hang in there.
Casper...
My DH and I went through something similar. I'd see BM doing some crazy things and DH would just ignore it. And then I'd get a little "antsy" or PMS'ing or whatever, and he'd jump right in with me!!
I finally asked him... Why? Why do you let her get away with so much and I couldn't even try to attempt the same things?
His response.... He CARES enough to fight with me. He had completely let go of arguing or anything with her because he didn't care at all about her anymore. Didn't care what she did, what she thought, whatever. I don't know if this makes sense to you. But it does to me.
The opposite of love is NOT hate. The opposite of love is INDIFFERENCE.
Also, I truly believe that DH has been burned so bad by BM that if he sees me making the slightest inclination to doing something similar, it sets him off a little. I can understand that. She's a lot of words that I don't want to type here, but I'll capitalize one and that's SELFISH. All she cares about is herself. DH gave so much to her over and over again. But I have to say, I wouldn't even want to do half of the stuff she did because she's stupid.
I think if your DH is picking on you, it might be that he's clumsy at expressing his feelings. But at least he is doing it. At least you know where you stand with him. I also think that your DH just might be one of those guys that can't express his innermost feelings when they are not "masculine". He just can't do it. You know he loves you. You know he cares and thinks you are a good mom. He must be giving you some sort of signals or vibes about that. Maybe he's just not comfortable expressing fear, or sadness, or insecurity to you about BM and her actions. Do you think he's the kind of guy that would look upon sharing those feelings as a weakness?
PS Casper
I'm sorry you are sad and feel so angry. But I'm hoping that maybe you can look at your husband's inability to express his feelings with you, not as a slight against you, but more as a product of his upbringing and his thoughts of what a "man" should be. If you KNOW he loves you, then I hope that that will eventually be enough. Maybe someday you will be able to break down his "wall", and you can try! But again, I'm sorry you are feeling so sad and that your DH may not be capable of being as "sharing" as you would like.
Thank you
for your supporting words. It does help to know that I am not the only one who is dealing with this type of situation. Boys are just so frustrating. They never seem to grow up.
I think stick is on to something
"His response.... He CARES enough to fight with me."
"The opposite of love is NOT hate. The opposite of love is INDIFFERENCE"
My DH has said the same thing Stick. He gave up trying to tell the girls BM ANYTHING. SHe doesn't listen and it turns into a nasty argument so whats the point? He divorced her so he wouldn't have to talk to her anymore. However, he criticizes her to me all the time. He just won't give her the satisfaction of "engaging" in an argument.
Also consider it takes a considerable amount of passion to argue. Maybe your DH has such an extreme lack of passion for this woman that he can't even muster a criticism. He's so over here he can't even get a rise of emotion of any kind.
Having a baby does not make you a mother.
What it sounds like to me...
is that your DH has much higher expectations of you than he does of his XW. And this is a good thing obviously. It's too bad though that he doesn't verbally give you credit for how much you HAVE done and for what a good mother you are. Maybe you can just tell him that it's important to you as a wife and mother to have these words of affirmation (5 Love Languages speaking here...such a good book...read it!), that they make you feel appreciated and ask him to maybe try to give them more often.