Warning: A Vent
I've waited a while to post this, just felt with the debates that raged last week about whether this site is for venting or not needed to die down. This post is definitely a vent so don't read any farther it that's not what you use this site for.
About a week and a half ago, MIL called BF to let him know she wanted to take SD15 on a trip to Boston to visit SIL. This trip had been scheduled for last summer as a 9th grade graduation trip (don't get me started on "9th grade graduation trips"), but was canceled after we learned SD15 had flunked the entire 9th grade (not just 1 or 2 class, but many- including the mostly-participation-point-classes like PE and art). Since last spring, SD15 has done her best to cut BF out of her life because he had the audacity to insist that flunking school have consequences. SD15 now routes her communication through MIL because she is a soft touch and SD15 shows up only for family events that include gifts (for her) or eating out.
Well MIL has to use or loose the tickets and so wants to re-do the canceled trip this spring. She had already called BM to ask permission to take SD15 (yes- annoying that she didn't even talk to BF first BEFORE calling BM) and had learned that SD15 is flunking the 10th grade. I'm so surprised that her behavior has not improved, maybe that's because BM made is seem like acceptable behavior because flunking the 9th grade was not a punishable behavior?????? What would help turn SD15's behavior around and help her value school, help her to pull her sh*t together and graduate? Grounding? Consequences? No, skipping school to take a cross country trip with Grandma should do the trick!
When BF told me the news, I it was all I could do not to roll my eyes. At least he also thought this was a very bad idea. BF is a teacher and hates it when parents take kids out of school for trips-- goes double for parents of kids that are flunking. BF says with 2 of 4 years of high school wasted, he is now giving up hope of SD graduating. With no behavior/lifestyles changes and SD15 cutting out the one person who WANTS to help her turn her grades around, chances are slim. For the most part BF seems to be seeing and accepting what I've known/suspected for years. The hard part is now he is powerless because through guilt parenting he ceded power to SD15 years ago and now can't get it back when he WANTS to parent.
MIL and FIL on the other hand don't seem to be able to grasp that they are PART OF THE PROBLEM. I've tried and tried to get MIL to see that she is being worked by a manipulative SD. That we needed to unite and provide tough love and consequences if SD15 is going to make it. We know about grades, I'm betting there a bunch of other behaviors (drugs? drinking? boys?) we don't know about. I guess I'm going to have to disengage from MIL when it comes to SD. I can't fathom why she thinks taking her to Boston and missing school is a GOOD idea. It sends the message that there aren't consequences for actions, that bad behavior can produce what you want without any work! (SD15 has always wanted to go to Boston to visit SIL-SIL spoils her with gift and so SD thinks SIL is the bees knees).
Yet again, MIL undermines BF as the PARENT by deciding on this trip without consulting him and by ignoring his wishes that no trip take place if grades were not improved! Is it not enough to have a wacko BM who raised a snotty, entitled SD1?! Now MIL seems to be further enabling it all to continue! Crayon- can I request nicknames for all three of them?
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Comments
What are you thinking venting about wanting your Skid to pass ..
school and actually perform well enough to graduate from high school? Sheeesh, like THAT is an appropriate topic for StepTalk!
JJOC
Brutal,
Try military school, it is working wonders for my 16yo SS who is a Junior this year. Though he did not do poorly enough to fail 9th and 10th grade, he barely squeeked by. His performance level would have resulted in repeating 9th and 10th grade if he had been in high school in the early 80's when I was. I had two sophomore years because of my own poor judgement and performance. I passed only one class my first sophomore year and straight A's my second sophomore year and the rest of high school. Military school worked wonders for me, my younger brother and now my own son. It even worked for my Dad who started the tradition (or at least my GrandParents started it by sending him).
It is amazing what a smart but lazy kid with poor decision making skills and poor judgement can accomplish when they are in a structured environment where appropriate behavior is rewarded and inappropriate behavior has immediate and longer term consequences. A foot up the ass (figuratively of course) is a major motivator and for most it only takes once or twice having someone chewing your but and having to march tours every hour of your free time if you don't learn to make sound decisions.
My Skid is thriving and enjoying it. We miss him but we are very proud of him, the improvements in his grades, honesty and character.
Best regards,
if it were up to me...
I would put her in a program like your SS is in. I've been impressed reading your reports of how it has helped turn him around and instilled discipline and self-respect.
However the only person with less parental authority than BF is me. I've tried for years and finally had to disengage. Venting helps me keep my sanity, but I only get to do so to a select group of girlfriends and ST.
We made our pitch to have SD transfer to BF's high school after last year's grades so he would supervise and interact with her throughout the school day and that MAJOR backfired. Oh well, I'm sure SD won't realize life without at least a high school diploma sucks until well after the fact.
thanks for the support though.
Did I miss something??
Did I miss something?? I was not aware of a debate about the purposes of this sight and whether or not it was for "venting"...But I do know that the web site says "Where step parents come to vent"...This is definatly where I come to vent and get the ugly feelings out that I certainly wouldn't release at home..And I get great support and words of wisdom along the way...
I have a butt in sky and undermining MIL like that too..That,s why she hasn't seen either of our kids in years..
Even if she goes, she will have to come back
I guess just let the MIL take SD. They can have the great time, MIL will not lose money on the tix, but then . . . SD still has to come back, she still has to get her good or bad grades, life goes on. It is completely not right but she can't avoid her fate forever.
Now I am not a bio parent. But I say if you can't send her to military school, let her flunk. Until she wants to participate in her own future, there is nothing any of you can do. If she has to take remedial classes when she is college age, so be it. Maybe then she will realize, she should have listened to you and DH!!.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Dumb, dumber &
Dumb, dumber & dumbest!
Definitely not the brightest crayons in the box! That girl doesn't have a chance in life...its sad really!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
BH
I see and feel your frustration. Vent and get it out and throw it in the I really don't give a damn what they do pile. It is obvious that you and DHs opinions don't matter. BM and MIL are still going to allow and accept and make excuses for whatever suits them. Your being upset is not going to change it as it hasn't already. To fight stupidity you have to be dealing with rational individuals that are willing to tough it out no matter what the cost (i.e the cost of the plane ticket). When it is DEFINITELY to late they will be sitting on some therapists chair saying "If only I had made her study harder, go to school, ground her when she got bad grades...." Afterall everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20. YOU and DH can see what the future holds, but they have the ultimate say and are allowing it. Not much you can do. I mean yea you could call CPS but guess what? They have far pressing cases of little kids who really need their help and want it. SD is so far gone and I hate to say that about any kid that unless she is literally hit on the head with a frying pan she is going to take the attitude that it is too much to catch up and therefore not even be willing to put in the work to get back on track. WHY because it would require night school and no free time to roam and f-up like she currently does.
Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P