I have my answer. I not going to tell BF about what I discovered about SD17 on facebook. The support and answers you all offered where great, insightful and understanding of the SM’s precarious perch.

But your answers aren’t what convinced me of my course of action. If was BF himself that convinced me there is nothing good that can come with revealing what I know.

As I mentioned we are planning our wedding, finally after 7 years together. Part of BF’s willingness to finally reach this point was his feeling that his carrying of the SD burden was nearly over and she seemed like she was going to actually make it to 18 without a major life breakdown.

We were thinking of getting married on New Year’s Eve and then taking a quick trip somewhere. No one is invited to the wedding so it would just be at the county clerk’s office. I called the clerk’s office yesterday to find out a) what we need to do to get married at the clerk’s office, and b) I had this nagging worry that maybe they would be closed New Year’s Eve. My suspicions were correct, they won’t be open New Year’s Eve.

When I got home, I told BF the news that New Year’s was out if we wanted to do it at the clerk’s office. I suggested maybe we should pick another date. He said why not wait for summer. I said Why? I’m tired of waiting and since we are invited anyone we could do it next Tuesday or any other weekend or holiday between now and then. That lead BF to go off on how Christmas break would be the soonest he would consider because he wanted to make sure SD was going to crash out of life and he felt with like the Christmas break would mean only 6 more months until SD was 18 and he felt that was the soonest he could do it. To him we’ve waited 7 years, what is another 8 or so months so he can have his cake and eat it to. He can close one responsibility chapter before he officially begins another. Which is total BS in my mind, we’ve owned 2 different homes together, cars, have a dog. He began another life with me 7 years ago. For once I want to be more important than the SD timetable I’ve been tied to for the last 7 years. EOW, her event, her needs, being her backstop, waiting for the clock to tick down to official adulthood.

Needless to say, hopes and dreams died inside. I didn’t end of saying much for the rest of the night. Ultimately I ended up crying myself to sleep and I cried to the dog on our morning run. I feel like a hostage to SD and BF guilt driven responsibility to not “officially” move on with his life until he feels he isn’t need in the back-up last minute parent role.

We are doing the entire wedding on his terms, his date. He’s the one that just wants to elope and avoid family drama and expense. I’m not even supposed to tell anyone till after because he thinks no one if my family can keep a secret.

I was ok with the eloping and surprise thing. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I was ok. Now I feel crushed.

After all these years, I still can’t enjoy planning or looking forward to even a wedding. Does he get that it makes me resent SD all the more?!?! I’m never going to ever forget this, and every time I see her, I’ll remember this moment and all the others just like it.

So I’m not telling him about the house arrest, the hooka, the parties and boys. Not my kid, not my problem. May he will never find out or maybe he will, but I’m not going to ruin things early by telling him. If my life is on hold pending SD, then I’m going to go with ignorance is bliss. Maybe we’ll get through a December break wedding, maybe not, but I’m not going to be the one providing him the easy out.