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Feeling closer to mine than his.

Bradymom's picture

Submitted by Bradymom on Thu, 11/21/2013 - 11:48am

My DH says he enjoys & feels closer to my kids than his own. I believe this is the case bc I am able to require & promote the relationship by prompting thank you's, pleases, good night hugs, general respect, etc from my kids, whereas with the skids I don't feel entirely comfortable saying "Hey bud, you need to say goodnight to dad..." Or "Your dad just bought you dinner, how about you thank him." The skids have a rude bio mom that is not appreciative for anything & is just generally grumpy & unpleasant... & they've taken on her personality & less than cheery attitude. It's no wonder DH feels closer to mine. They respect him & show appreciation. His don't. Everyone wants recognition. Do y'all have this issue?

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askYOURdad's picture

Submitted by askYOURdad on Thu, 11/21/2013 - 11:54am

DH has told me similar things but I chalk it up to the following:

-Bios are boys and his kids are girls, there is just some male macho bonding happening
-Bios live with us full time, his kids 50/50- therefore, bios are OUR family, steps have two families, not saying they aren't equally loved or thought of as part of our family, just that we are the bios entire world, we are half of the steps world (and I realize as they get older their worlds will be bigger too)
-Bios follow the house rules and have set routines/chores/consequences, transition days with the steps usually involve a lot of reminding and aggravation on DH's part. He absolutely LOVES and ADORES his kids but I think on some levels it's easier for him to feel closer to my bios.

msg1986's picture

Submitted by msg1986 on Thu, 11/21/2013 - 12:14pm

This makes a lot of sense... I would imagine after my daughter is born (2 1/2 wks to go, woohoo!! haha) that this is how it will be. I've thought a lot about how it will probably be different with her and your response sums it all up as far as how it'll be when she comes. . Smile

askYOURdad's picture

Submitted by askYOURdad on Thu, 11/21/2013 - 12:22pm

Yay congrats and good luck! Depending on your situation with the steps and ages and everything, if you have thoughts/anxiety about the transitions, I would say allow DH some good one on one time with the steps, it doesn't even have to be expensive or extravagant, just play their favorite game, read a book before bed etc. I understand there are some weird competitive levels and "mini wives" that I have read about on here, but as long as that isn't the case, I would just assume the easier transition it is on the steps, the more at ease your DH will feel and the more united your family will seem when everyone is together and separate... I don't have all of the answers, just food for thought.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Thu, 11/21/2013 - 12:23pm

My husband and I have helped my sister take care of her daughter since she was born (she's 11 now) and DH says she is the daughter he never had (which makes me chuckle).

He has 2 daughters, both adults now (age wise, anyway). One has never wanted anything to do with him and he has a superficial relationship with the other.

Our niece, on the other hand, loves being with him, sticks up for him (even to me if she thinks I've wronged him), is concerned if she thinks she hurts his feelings and gets very mad if someone else does. She genuinely loves him and not just so he will buy her things.

The funny thing is, SD22 is very jealous of our niece but she could have had that same relationship with him, had she chosen to.