I have been feeling quite reflective about step parenting lately. Several recent threads have resonated with me, including one about young SKids who lie, and another about older SD’s who try to take on a pseudo mother/partner role. When I read these things I can look back on my own experiences and it’s like looking down on a maze instead of standing inside it, I can see patterns and common experiences which suddenly make sense. How I wish I had known some of this earlier on so I could have identified and addressed the problems instead of agonising about the symptoms. Maybe I would have spent less time thrashing helplessly through the maze trying to work out what on earth was going on in my relationship with DH, in his relationship with his children, and in their relationship with us. But of course these flashes of insight can also be misleading, because I am actually still in the maze. My relationship with my older SKids is still evolving as they mature into adults, my relationship with SD14 and role in her life is undergoing dramatic changes since her decision to move in with us, and SS13 is now mutating into that most horrifying thing, The Teenager. In some ways I’m still bumbling about in the maze trying to work out how to act and what to say and do. One minute I feel on top of things and like my experience is winning through, the next I‘m sobbing in a hotel bathroom on holiday with the SKids thinking I cannot take one more minute of a morose monosyllabic SS13.

I often think my life as a SM would be easier if I were a more laid back person. I’m strong willed and assertive, but I worry, a lot, I’m oversensitive, and I have my mother’s tender conscience when it comes to other people’s feelings. That tender conscience has helped me care about my SKids enough to weather the storms and keep on trying to understand their feelings, even when their behaviour has caused me upset and stress. But it’s a painful process and I am still very much aware of how much easier my life would have been if I had not fallen for a man with children. It occurs to me that there are a lot of parallels with the story of the Little Mermaid. The Little Mermaid was willing to give up her life in the sea and her identity as a mermaid to gain a human soul and the love of a human prince. We stepparents swap our simpler lives to have our prince (or princess!), but sometimes it’s like walking on knives and you feel like a fish out of water!

At the moment step parenting feels like I’m on a journey to an unknown destination. Sometimes I’m not happy being trapped in the car with all these people. Sometimes the right moment happens, a good song comes on, everybody gels and there are laughs and a real sense of mutual affection. I can see that a lot of people on here are at different points in their journey, some have been travelling for a long time, never got on with the other passengers and are resigned but sick of it. Some have just set off and are feeling up beat and optimistic. Some have taken the wrong turning a few times and are starting to wonder if they’re ever going to get there. Others are about to stop the car and get out. Our posts and comments reflect not just our backgrounds, experiences and personalities, but the nature of our passengers and where we are on the journey. Maybe my journey will end when I find out if my SKids are going to come visit me in the old people’s home! For now I have up to 3 years of unexpected custodial step parenting of SDnearly15, and a further 2 years non-custodial step parenting of SS13 (assuming he doesn‘t decided to move in as well!). Will my worry and effort be rewarded with an enduring and meaningful role in their affections? Or will I be here a year from now at my wits end and feeling my efforts with SD were not worth it. I wish I knew!