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How would you feel?

Bobbi's picture

Submitted by Bobbi on Tue, 09/05/2006 - 11:21am

My BF has his daughter every Tuesday and every other weekend. I have to get up for work earlier than my BF, so when he has his daughter and she has to get up for school, I usually wake her up and make her breakfast before BF gets up. I have been doing this for quite a while now and started because first, I figured I had to get up anyway, so why not let him sleep a little longer and second, I wanted to give his daughter plenty of time to shower (if she needed to), get dressed, eat, etc. and not feel rushed. Well, last night BF says to me that he wants to start waking her up in the morning…no explanation, nothing. I asked him why (thinking, did I do something wrong?) and he said…I just want to. I felt very upset, mainly because I didn’t get any kind of explanation.

If this was an isolated incident, I probably wouldn’t let it bother me, but it is not.

Comments

Nise's picture

Submitted by Nise on Tue, 09/05/2006 - 11:30am

On the surface…I would say maybe he wants to spend that time with her, before school, since he only gets to do it once a week…but…given your post, you think there is more to it then that which means that (which means it is likely that there are some underlying things)…what do you think is going on here? What does you gut tell you is the situation?

JustNix's picture

Submitted by JustNix on Tue, 09/05/2006 - 11:41am

I've noticed in other postings not just yours this feeling/reaction you have to this type of situation. Once the bioparent wants to start taking over something you may have been doing for the SK, and thinks it's you who caused the change.

Maybe if you just look at it as a dad wanting to spend extra time with his daughter, maybe he thinks he's missing out on something!?!? He's thankful for your help and will ask that you do it some days put for the most part, it's just father daughter bonding time. Let them do it for a while then talk to your BF about how you liked walking her up in the morning as well and ask him about maybe you all waking up at the same time and having breakfast together some days. It doesn't have to be you or him, make it a "family" bonding time.

Sometimes, they just need their alone time together and thats it. It has nothing to do with you doing something wrong or right, it's just bonding between parent and child.

Bobbi's picture

Submitted by Bobbi on Tue, 09/05/2006 - 12:35pm

Yes, I do think there is more to it and I don’t know what to do. My BF’s daughter (she’s 13) will tell him things that are not true to, I guess, get his attention and to drive a wedge between us. She has been doing this for the past three years. I’ll give you an example…She was in the kitchen one day and grabbed a glass out of the cabinent. She was going to get a glass of water. I said to her, “I just made some Crystal Light if you would like to have some of that instead of water”. She said “Thanks”. Then later she told her Dad that I said she couldn’t have any water.

I feel so helpless when she does this, because he will believe her no matter how illogical what she says sounds.

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Tue, 09/05/2006 - 1:23pm

like there are trust issues in your situation. You can't trust your bf to have confidence in you because he believes every little tale his daughter gives him, and he doesn't seem to trust that you will always treat his daughter with respect.

This is definetly something you guys need to hash out. You are feeling helpless in this situation because your bf is giving his daughter serious control over your relationship and she knows it. Your sd knows her dad is going to believe everything she says, so if she feels like pushing buttons, she is going to do so by lying about you. You are an easy target because you are the sm.

Part of me wonders if you are upset because you are worried that this extra time dad has with daughter, she will tell more lies, then bf will believe them, and cause more friction between you two. Children can be manipulative, and your relationship with bf demands trust...trust that you will treat his daughter with respect and dignity, and trust that when daughter lies about you, dad will demonstrate confidence in you by not believing ridiculous lies.

I would try to discuss how you feel about when sd lies about you, and how he responds to those lies.

Bobbi's picture

Submitted by Bobbi on Tue, 09/05/2006 - 2:04pm

I really thought I was doing something nice and now I don't know if she has made up yet another lie.

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Tue, 09/05/2006 - 2:24pm

totally doing something nice, and you should feel good about yourself that your bf has such a caring gf to do some extras to support him being a good dad.

The role of being a sm isn't easy, and it can be compounded when children are manipulative. I hope you can try to discuss your concerns with your bf. I have a feeling this may be very challenging, it sounds like he will run to her defense instantanously.

Cindy's picture

Submitted by Cindy on Tue, 09/05/2006 - 12:48pm

in front of her father? I've done this a few times to my SD or if she does something like you described to me I ask her how would she feel if I did that to her? At her age she's probably very insecure in her relationship with her dad because it's part-time and she probably wants him all for herself - maybe she told dad she wants him to wake her up - my hubby always wakes SD up and when I do it the odd time she really tries hard to wind me up. Next time SD asks you for something tell her you cannot do it because you don't accept or appreciate her making stuff up that doesn't actually happen and when she learns to respect you then you'll respect her. She's probably playing you to see how far she can push it - I know my SD did for a long time with me and even now still does to an extent.

Bobbi's picture

Submitted by Bobbi on Tue, 09/05/2006 - 12:54pm

I have tried to confront her in front of him, but when I do, he jumps to her defense and says I'm making too much of it.

Cindy's picture

Submitted by Cindy on Tue, 09/05/2006 - 1:01pm

first and get him on your side - show him how discouraging this kind of behaviour is in the best interest of his child - let him sincerely know this is very important to you and that he needs to take it seriously - tell him in advance of you addressing SD so he's forewarned - maybe that's why he defends her - I think dad's first instinct is always to defend the kids - my hubby does it too but if I talk to him beforehand he has time to think about it and we both know what's going on before SD does which in my opinion is how it should be

happy mom's picture

Submitted by happy mom on Tue, 09/05/2006 - 1:55pm

I would get to the bottom of it, ask him why the change all of a sudden. Maybe daughter does not want to get up that early or her mother said something about it.

-happy mom

Bobbi's picture

Submitted by Bobbi on Tue, 09/05/2006 - 2:07pm

this is bothering me too much. I really do need to find out what is going on.

Thank you.

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Tue, 09/05/2006 - 4:34pm

I'm sure relating to this one. Especially the defending the child instantly and at all costs no matter how illogical it is. WE just had our first counselling session regarding this and other issues that have driven a major wedge between us. We'll have individual sessions over the next few weeks... I can't offer you any answers, but I can offer you my understanding.. I promise to share any insights that may come from these sessions...hoping it will help us all..... Smile

Bobbi's picture

Submitted by Bobbi on Wed, 09/06/2006 - 8:50am

Lovin-Life. It is very frustrating for me and I would appreciate any insight you may have on the subject.