What would you do?
Alright, one of the ongoing battles in our house is around SD11 and dinner time. When dinner time is announced, she always says that she's "not hungry" and doesn't want to eat with us. DH then tells her, tough get out here. She comes stomping in and complains about the food, the other kids being too loud, she's not hungry, etc. DH then says fine she can leave but she better not ask for anything else to eat.
Then the fun starts. He goes off on his merry way to check out in front of the TV and SD11 comes waltzing in once he's gone and gets whatever the fuck she wants. When I try to point this out to DH he claims that I'm making it up, she doesn't really do that, I'm exaggerating, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Honestly, I'm usually so busy with my own two bios packing school lunches, helping them with homework and getting them showered for the next day that SD11 probably gets away with much more snacking but last night my bios were with their dad for their Wednesday night visit so I decided to hold the line.
After dinner, I sat in the kitchen with a book for 3 hours - and every time she came in I would say "SD your dad said no snacks because you didn't eat dinner". Then I would text him downstairs and tell her that I just busted her again. Must have sent about 5 texts before he finally stormed upstairs to yell at ME. He's not mad at her mind you - at ME. Then he tells her that she can have a banana if she's that hungry.
She says, if I eat the banana can I have a cookie? Sure he says. FML. Nice lesson DH.
It turned into a huge fight between me and him last night and into this morning. He said that I think I am an expert parent but that I'm not. He says he's been handling things just fine and that he wouldn't have signed up for this if he knew I was going to be so "crazy". He even did the cukoo circular motion near the ear - as in "you're crazy". I said, well I wouldn't have signed up for this if I knew this was how she was allowed to behave.
Now I know that someone here is going to say "disengage" and send me that super helpful link that I have read about a bazillion times. It has been helpful to a point - I no longer do her laundry, clean her room or help her in any way. But I will NOT permit someone to be sneaky and duplicitous in MY house. We have 4 other kids that are younger than her and I will NOT have her teach the lesson that you can be a bitch at dinner and still have access to the full pantry.
I've been racking my brains for other ways to deal with this and I am fresh out of ideas.
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Comments
I know that what you are
I know that what you are saying makes sense - but why do I have to live with a liar? I know it sounds petty, but I wanted him to see that it WAS happening. Because he keeps denying the behavior.
Hmmm..... yes, disengaging
Hmmm..... yes, disengaging from the dinnertime behavior is what u've already mentioned. u can put a positive, caring spin on it }:) as in "oh DH i'm concerned about her health."
her behavior itself is DH's problem.
her reaction after the fact affects u and the other kids in the household - i'd have back-up food for her of nutritious fruits, veggies, maybe sandwich stuff, and one small sweet, maybe keep it in one location (ie one bowl on the counter, or one drawer in the fridge, or one shelf) that she can access herself. that way, regardless of her behavior, she gets healthy options without free range.
u get to protect your pantry, DH wont feel like u're attacking his kid, and he may end up backing u up on it? who knows, it could work.....
Truth is, it has less to do
Truth is, it has less to do with the food itself and more to do with her being so rude and disruptive during meal times and then being "rewarded" by getting to eat by herself. I think she should eat with the family and if she is rude, be dismissed with NOTHING to eat after. And we could turn it into a lesson for the other 4 where we keep the food in a locked location and they get to ask for stuff from it because they did good by eating with the family.
I would get those baby locks
I would get those baby locks for cabinets and if you have a walk in pantry I would put a lock on that door too. Then stock the fridge with only healthy snacks that she WON'T want to eat.
We had this problem with SD6 for a while. She is a really finnicky eater and eats the hell out of whatever she likes but if she doesn't like it she won't eat. But lo and behold she will come looking for a snack later. She doesn't take anything without asking, so SO and I decided to start wrapping up her dinner and if she wanted something to eat, guess what she got.
I had this problem and
I had this problem and recently came up with my idea of the solution seems to be working:
I told DH I am sick of cooking and then throwing out food. If she doesnt want to eat thats fine by me however, I would now be asking him prior to my cooking of dinner if she is eating or not.
Now sometimes I have to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work to grab items I plan on using for dinner. And since I leave so early I sometimes ;)I have to wake up DH and he has wake up SD to get the answer to the question. It pisses them both off which is not my problem.
She says she is not eating I say NO problem.
I also removed all canned soup, raman noodles, ect. I have also been known to move all the icecream and shit out of the house freezer to the garage so she doesnt have that as an option. Guess what she ends up with as an option. What ever dinner left overs have accumulated from days prior.
She ends up eating all the stuff she declined anyway...dumb ass
I would say, hide all the
I would say, hide all the 'goodies' in the house when SD comes over...then, on the days you have her, don't cook. Let DH cook or order out. let him spend the time and money. Or, even better, make only yourself something to eat and then go take a bath when it's their feeding time?
My advice is to let this one
My advice is to let this one go, your DH isn't doing anything about it and nothing good will come from this. DH is laying down the law, knowing that he can still be the good guy because you're being the bad guy.
She says she doesn't want to eat, tell her fine. Stay in your room. Have a nice dinner with everyone else. When she comes down for snacks, ignore her and go on your merry way.
Your DH feels as though he's dealing with it just fine. If this is how he wants to raise his kids, then let him.
As long as the your bios understand if they pull this crap they will be punished.
My issue is how he treated you by calling you cuckoo and not addressing your concerns about her eating habits.
If your DH wants to raise his
If your DH wants to raise his daughter to behave like a rude pig, fine by you. Stay the course with your detachment. Not your rude pig, not your problem. Your house is not a fast food restaurant, so if she won't eat with the family like a civilized human, then he needs to handle her dinner drama himself. Perhaps he can make a menu for her to pick from everyday and he can work off of that. You won't make different food and you won't clean up after her. Let him do it. Just don't let your own children behave that way. Explain to them that it is rude and ungrateful not to eat the dinner someone took the time to buy and prepare for them. And that DH chooses to allow SD behave this way, so the best thing to do is to ignore her poor manners and rude behavior and not to behave that way themselves.
I would not have any of the less healthy snack foods she prefers in the house. I think I'd keep stuff out of sight when she's visiting. Maybe he'll get tired of it after awhile and change it or just let her grow up with poor eating habits and a rude personality.
It would really bother me
It would really bother me that SD wasn't required to sit at the dinner table with the family, whether she ate anything or not. More goes on at that time than eating. It is also problematic that your DH lets her do whatever she wants. I suspect it's a bigger issue than just dinner.