Regression

So DH has regressed back to guilty daddy. I have no idea why.

SS15 is with us this week and I left a list of simple chores for him to do during the day; DH and I talked about it ahead of time and he was on board.

Well I found out yesterday DH has been doing them for SS15 when he gets home from work (he gets home before I do).:? But I didn't bother to say anything about it, why argue? At least the chores are getting done.

Then last night he was under-minding me in front of SS15. I called DH on it and then left the room. It was over something stupid too.

I asked SS15 what he was watching, his response was, "XYZ stupid show on Netflix". I was folding laundry, the show didn't appeal to me. When I finished I told DH and SS15 I'm going to watch TV in our bedroom. DH busts out with "Put something on you want to watch! I told SS15 he could watch this, but you can put on what you want."

I told DH, "I'm not going to be the bad guy. You told SS15 he can watch this, I'm not telling him he can't. I'll just watch TV in our bedroom. Not a big deal." And I left. DH was not happy with me.

We just celebrated our 9th anniversary, it's not like we're new to this blended family situation.

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I don't interpret what your

I don't interpret what your DH did as undermining you. In fact, I think he was trying to put you in the place of homeowner/home authority. Basically, it's your home and your television so your want to watch something trumps SS. Plus, I'm sure he had some desire to spend time with both you and his son.

Is there more going on that I am missing? I'd be upset if I found out my DH was doing chores he told me he would have the kids do because it feels like he's lying to me, or that he is more interested in pleasing his kids than he is standing up to them and presenting a united front in our home.

Perhaps chat with him again about this when you're calm. I think the issue is more a misunderstanding of intent versus action. Your goal with the chores wasn't necessarily just so they would get done, but for your SS to have some responsibility. Your DH wasn't trying to undermine you with the television thing (at least in my estimation), but it's how it came across. Talking through the intention of actions will help you both better understand why you both interpret actions differently.

I agree, I read that as DH

I agree, I read that as DH was trying to show SS that it is your home and you should be able to watch what you want on TV, rather than have to go to your bedroom because SS has commandeered the TV in the living room. I kind of read your reaction and decision to go to your room after that as a snit fit. If I was your DH I would have been annoyed. Just my opinion

As far as DH doing the dishes for SS? THAT would tick me off. What the heck is he teaching him? I mean you gave the kid ONE simple chore, so DH is OK with SS blatantly thumbing his nose at you??? Not to mention he's OK with him shirking his responsibilities AND doing them FOR him?? Ugh. Enabling at it's finest (or ugliest!)

I'm confused. Often the

I'm confused.

Often the advice on the site is.... the skids need to pick up after themselves... and if they don't... it's up to DH to handle it/do it... sounds like that's what DH did. The dishes needed to be done, SS was responsible. SS didn't do them... DH took care of it. Either way, SM didn't have to have dirty dishes.

Yes, it's enabling, and yes, frustrating.... but didn't dad in this case do exactly what the general advice to disengaged SM's usually is?

Advice for DH to "do it" has

Advice for DH to "do it" has never come from me. I LOATHE enabling. If I tell my BS7 to do something, and he doesn't do it there are consequences, not me doing it for him. I expect the same of any kid living under my roof. I can't remember being much angrier with DH, than when he would tell SD to clean her room, she couldn't be bothered and he'd go in there and do it for her. Yuck. Thankfully that only happened a couple of times before he got tired of finding used tampons and nasty crap and stopped doing it and started telling her if the room wasn't cleaned, she wasn't leaving the house.

I loathe enabling too, but

I loathe enabling too, but I've come to a point in our marriage where I don't want to be a nag all the time. DH hasn't gotten angry over SS15 and SS20 not following through on chores and not helping us out. Both SSons relax in the living room every evening while DH and I are making dinner and doing yard work.

There was a time when I would tell the boys to help us. That chores get done faster with 4 of us doing them instead of 2 of us. But that train has left the station, I just don't have it in me anymore. Without DH initiating it or even backing me up it was pointless.

I think it goes back to

I think it goes back to intent of the action.

If OP's intent with giving SS chores is just to get the chores done by anyone other than her, then you are correct. So long as they are done, it shouldn't matter who is doing them so long as it's not OP.

However, if the intent is for SS to do them to give him responsibility/earn an allowance/free up DH's time to do something else in the home or whatever else, then it's disingenuous for her DH to do SS's chores and pretend that SS is doing them. Especially if SS is getting rewarded for doing something he isn't doing.

Thanks for you perspective.

From past experience with SS20, DH is interested in pleasing his kids. He knows I want them to have some responsibility (and he has told to me on numerous occasions that they should be doing chores). He feels caught in the middle between what me and the boys. He takes the path of least resistance it's easier for him to just do the chores instead of making the boys do them. I do feel betrayed but I decided a long time ago that this was a battle I didn't want to fight over.

About the television - DH does this to me a lot, in many different situations, meaning he'll say, "I don't care boys" and then if I disagree I'm put in the position of spoiling whatever SSons are watching (or doing) and it doesn't come across by his tone of voice or body language as trying to put me in a place of authority. It feels like he is trying to pressure me into agreeing with him that the boys should be able to watch (or do) what they want when they want. I have a hard enough time as a stepmother, this keeps me on the outside, it'seither DH & SSons or DH and Me but never the 4 of us. The boys don't think I'm a person of authority in the house, they just think I'm the person that makes their life miserable - Dad's awesome and BettyRay is a B!tch - And that's not who I am.

DH knows how I feel about this but he doesn't follow through. I have told DH a number of times a better way to handle the TV thing is for him to say to SS20 or SS15, "Stepmom and I are going to watch what we want to watch on TV now." and just leave it at that. Instead putting me in the middle of it.

~BettyRay

Thanks BrightFuture99. SS15

Thanks BrightFuture99.

SS15 has the house to himself from 6:45 a.m. till 5:00 p.m. (when DH gets home). I get home between 5:30 p.m. and 6:30 p.m. depending on traffic. And even then, by the time DH and I are finished getting stuff done around the house cooking dinner, yard work, laundry, etc. we don't usually sit down to watch TV till 9:00 p.m. So theoretically SS15 has control of the TV from 6:45 a.m. till 9:00 p.m.

Plus DH and I are into the same TV shows anyway, it's not like my tastes are way out in left field.

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