Fitting into the family is so hard
I don't know why I reversed my policy concerning not doing joint events with BM. My SO's cousin had a graduation party; I did not attend. His other cousin is recently engage and they had a get together; I did not attend. But then I spent time with his parents, one of his brothers and his wife and the engaged couple and I thought we were getting on so well. So this weekend his aunt and uncle had a Father's Day BBQ. They have a nice house on the water and had jet ski's and it was to be all fun.
Well it started with the guys watching the Euro's and the ladies were hanging out watching the kids outside. I ended up watching soccer with the guys to escape the girls and BM. I think my discomfort was noticeable to the ladies, I mean I was the only woman to sit for an entire 3.5hrs watching soccer. I was basically glued to my SO the entire time.
BM is definitely a charmer and well liked by his family. I mean she was Miss. Oh so helpful, cleaning up after the kids and helping to set up for lunch. But, I felt a bit blindsided by them still because I had just went out to dinner and played golf and got on well with these women. As absurd as it sounds I feel a bit betrayed. I guess it does not matter how nice I am or how much we get along; BM will always have a place in this family. I just feel kind of defeated.
I know it seems like I keep harping on about the same thing but I actually felt like we were all getting along. I did not expect to be so heavily overpowered by BM's charm over these people. And I do get that especially on days like mother's/father's day they do feel sympathy for BM because she lost a baby. They are trying to be Switzerland; but even Switzerland was slightly partial and I feel like they are slightly partial to BM.
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I feel ya!
Ugh, I relate to this so much! The first 2.5 years with my SO the bm had no relations with his family. This time last year she reappeared and all the sudden was friends with my SIL and all his family. I rarely go around the family anymore. I took most of them off social media because I can't stand to see the BM all over my media. I hate being around them and feels like they betrayed me and the friendship we use to have. I used to get along so well with the family and now I feel so out of place.
Think long term....are you
Think long term....are you really going to be happy constantly having to attend HIS FAMILY functions with his ex? Seriously, why the hell is she even going? How awkward.
Do you want all of your holidays ruined like this? It really is something you should seriously be thinking about.
Yikes, that has to sting, it
Yikes, that has to sting, it's a common issues in some families though. I don't see why she had to attend their fathers day event though, does she not have her own family?
Nope she has no family in the
Nope she has no family in the US all of her family lives abroad. But she does not seem to want to make friends outside of my SO's family circle in the US.
Yeah— NO
You are right to feel yucky. This is out of hand. I would hope that they are all going to follow your huband's lead - that's what a normal family would do. Can your husband talk to his parents in a calm gentle way and explain that this cannot be the program going forward?
His parents do not live in
His parents do not live in the US; they have only been visiting for the past few weeks. It was my first time meeting them and getting to know them.
His aunt and one of the cousins on the other hand is a different story. They invited BM to the cousin's graduation party over my SO when they had a limited number of tickets. BM is more their family than my SO is. They also go on vacations together and they allow BM to use their homes if she goes on vacation in that area.
I have a similar experience,
I have a similar experience, in that my SO's family as well as his BM2 are from the same small country. Now, BM1 is from here and when they divorced, she was chopped liver. But when he divorced BM2, the family remained very loyal to her, despite the fact that she very rarely actually does any parenting. But that's beaide the point.
I notice at family gatherings, it all depends on who is present. SO's mom amd one of his sisters-in-law are very loyal to BM. When they are present, especially the mom, i am effectively "frozen out." They only speak their language and hardly even look at me. If they are not present, however, I am often included as part of the family. And SO, and all the rest of them, will never stand up to his mother.
I don't have any advice, as it is still a major problem for me. At least now, after her latest court antics, BM herself is not invited to most things. I don't think i would go.
Also, i too hang out with the men at these gatherings, due to the fact that it's 2 of the main women who freeze me out.
Interesting enough, one of
Interesting enough, one of his cousin's fiance and her family only speaks English and my SO's parents are below basic speaking level of English so they had to translate between themselves. His aunt seemed very pleased to show off her future DIL to her sister and was actively translating. She never translated for me when it was just his parents and me; my SO had to do the translating alone. I mean I do not know if I am nitpicking because I was never without a translator so to speak because of my SO but all the same I did notice it.
It is sad but the guys are often more accepting or open minded than the women. Even my SO seems to want to stay clear of the women in the family when they are together.
Inviting the ex is weird. I
Inviting the ex is weird. I get that you can remain friends with the ex, but they're no longer part of the family. My in-laws never invited BM to anything. Which they didn't like her so there's that. My dad's family did invite my mom to a Christmas gathering once after my dad died but she declined. They may have invited her at other times but she declined. She was divorced from my dad so she was behaving accordingly. My parents were on good terms after their divorce and my mom got along great with my step mom. But she still didn't want to go to family gatherings because she was no longer part of that family. It would've been weird.
Your inlaws unfortunately can invite who they want to their gatherings but you and your husband don't have to participate. Your husband needs to have a chat with them and let them know that HE is uncomfortable with the ex being there, leaving your name out of it.
The problem is, her SO *isn't
The problem is, her SO *isn't* uncomfortable with it. He never had a problem with it before. In my situation which is extremely similar (different culture, language barrier), I was the first one to have a problem with BM being around all the time. In this case it wasn't just family functions either. BM still hung out at his house and cooked for everyone! I put myself in the position of being the "BM police", and it didn't win me any popularity points. My SO was the one who spoke up, but it was obvious that it was only a problem after i came along. In my future, if a situation is completely intolerable from the start, i won't put myself in the position of trying to change things.
Bingo!
Bingo!
This is exactly it. He did not have an issue with it prior to me. Now he has acknowledged why it is an issue; his family knows it is because of me.
Similarly, BM isn't just invited to family functions; she does things with them independent of SO. BM goes on vacation with these people, go shopping together, runs errands for them. It is definitely a relationship beyond surface level. It definitely would not earn me any favors getting in the middle of that.
Lesson learned
You will never have an authentic place in that family as long as BM is around.
Not being negative Nellie but I dont think this will ever workout for ya if the dynamics stay this way. I dont see this changing. His family will always see BM as the queen bee, you are just SO's shiksa/ girlfriend. I reiterated your past blogs to my sis who works for a jewish family, this is their view. Heck I am learning jewish now. Hope i aint offending you, just serving this opinion straight.
No I get it. You are being
No I get it. You are being honest. There is nothing I can do to win these people over. I am going to stop going to there events and having expectations that leads to disappointment.
autumn
I think you should have a brutal honest conversation with SO. You have posted on this same issue several times, as anyone would, its not a good situation for you.
Your SO needs to know what your boundaries are going forward. Otherwise this will continue on and your resentment will get the better of you.
You have to be honest with yourself and look to longterm and how you want this played out. So many times we get into situations with hope for better yet your gut tells you differently. I am guilty of this. Follow your gut and figure out what is tolerable. Often these situations get worse if it isnt addressed at the beginning.
If you can imagine that you will be ok with this without change thats good. Cause it seems like this family will be attached to BM for life. Their choice. But can you be attached to his family for life knowing this and knowing your SO is ok with the family including BM on holidays ? They wont change, most likely your SO wont either, so can you change your line of thought?
I really appreciate your
I really appreciate your thought provoking responses stepdrama; thank you.
He has agreed that it is an issue. The issue is addressing it. He is not nearly as close to the other women in the US based family as BM is and they are the ones who plan the events. My absence from some of the most recent events was noticed but I do not think it made a difference. I suggested that he should perhaps speak to his uncle and get him to speak to the aunt.
This isn't a fun situation,
This isn't a fun situation, rather than just excluding yourself from events I think you and your DH should take control of them.
First you need to talk about a strategy with him, I assume he doesn't want to be around BM either. He needs to make it clear that neither of you like going to events with BM present.
Some strategies you can use to not end up in the same place as BM is to host things at your place and only invite who you want. You can also plan to pick up the kids before events so they can come but BM doesn't have to. Your DH can also fish for information to see if BM was invited to ane vent before you two even agree to come.
If you really really have to go to something like this, make a plan with your DH to just go and make an appearance but then leave after only a little while.
My DH has gone low contact with a lot of his family members because they don't respect his boundaries. You can't control your in-laws relationship with BM but you can control your relationship with them, and so can your DH.