Or maybe I should say it's just beginning (for me).

I haven't posted in a while as I've been overwhelmed with work, visiting relatives, SD's birthday, etc. but I've had quite an eye-opening summer.

This was DH's first summer with the new CO in which he gets 2 2-week visitation periods with SD. Which is the longest period of time he has had her 24/7 since BM took off with her 5 years ago. Needless to say, those were some loooong weeks. I learned a few things about DH, SD, myself & how I fit into this step mess. And quite frankly, I'm not sure I like what I learned.

I came into SD's life when she was 2 & we've always gotten along well. In fact, she usually prefers me over anyone else, including DH, BM or MIL. As she's gotten older (now 6), we've had some growing pains. Some of them BM-induced, some just phases that kids go through. But after this past couple of weeks, I think she was just as ready to get away from me as I was to be rid of her.

Here are just some of the things SD did (or didn't do):

1. Cannot follow simple house rules, such as "Don't spin on the barstools." She had to be told at least 30 times in 2 weeks & that was AFTER she fell off one & knocked it over. But I was the bad guy for "causing her to hyper-ventilate from crying so hard" because I finally lost it on her after a G.D. month of telling her to stop.

2. We cannot eat one meal as a family without the entire meal centering around SD & what she will or won't eat, how much she has to eat, coaxing her to eat, bargaining with her, etc. This is from DH obviously, not me. I told them that until this behavior comes to an end, I will no longer be joining them for dinner. Food issues are huge with me - I am of the "eat what you is put in front of you" school of thinking. If she doesn't want that, she can make her own PB & J or go to bed hungry.

3. Asking multiple people for money. I overheard her asking a family friend for a dollar & he opened his wallet & gave it to her. I was appalled but felt that it was not the time/place to say anything. A few day later, she asked me at a restaurant "Can I have some of your money?" I was like, "No, I work hard for my money. When you earn some, then you can get paid. Until then, it is extremely rude to ask people for money so I better not hear that out of you again."

4. Not being able to leave adults alone or stay out of adult convos. We spent time with friends & relatives several times over the summer. I get that she just wants to be a part of things, but does she really have to physically hang all over people all the time or butt into conversations that she knows nothing about? No one calls her out on this stuff. I usually just sit & rage silently or walk away. One night, we had some particularly good friends of mine over (they are childless, not kid-people & SD has only met them once 3 yrs ago) & she would not leave them alone. "Play ball with me, watch me ride my bike, look at me, chase me." I barely got to talk to them, then the night ended early b/c DH said he had a headache. No shit - your daughter gave everyone here a headache with her non-stop attention-seeking behavior!!

5. Manipulations galore! DH has always let her "bargain" with him. For instance, DH: "you can stay up 5 more minutes", SD: "10 more", DH "ok, 7 more" & so on. I think this is a crock of B.S. Everytime she is rewarded with something, she wants MORE. I started saying "Nope and now you get none" when she does it to me. This escalated just yesterday when I was VERY busy inside & told her to go play outside & stay out of my way. She kept asking to watch TV. After me saying "no, go outside. I need you out of the way" 4 times, she said "You know, if you would just let me watch TV, I would be out of your way." LOST IT! I yelled "I tell YOU what to do, not the other way around. Get your butt outside, NOW!" If I say no to something, she waits until I'm not around & asks DH. I have caught her at this several times & she always looks like a deer in headlights when it happens.

6. Ignoring people when she doesn't want to do something. This is brand new behavior. I can be talking right at her & she acts like she cannot see or hear me & goes right on with whatever she is doing.

7. Acting like a baby in multiple ways. She is now 6 & still must be read to every night, tucked in, & get a "back tickle". Normally, I don't mind, but sometimes I'm just tired or want some time with DH. If you say "not tonight" to any one of these things, the waterworks start. In fact, she could rival Draco's SS with the amount of crying she does. Over everything, at the drop of a hat. This weekend we went to the lake. She cried b/c she didn't want to jump in the water (she did it with no problem the last 2 years), cried because the dogs ran off into the woods, cried because the boat went too fast, cried that her feet hurt. Even DH was over it by Sunday.

8. Sassy behavior in general. Often she will flat out tell DH "no" when he tells her to do something. Funny thing is, she knows better than to try it with me. Talking back, asking "why" to everything, whining, giving dirty looks or stomping away angrily.

9. Being ungrateful/dissatisfied with everything. More than once I have bought her something, only to have her tell me a few days later that it doesn't fit or she no longer likes it. Or taken her somewhere, only to be told that she is bored/tired, her feet hurt, it's too hot/cold, or where BM takes her is better. She is constantly asking for new things. She just had a birthday - still has toys she hasn't even taken out of the boxes yet. I hear her ask DH this morning "Next time I come back, can we go get some new legos?" While we were picking out clothes for camp this morning "I don't have anything to wear." Her drawers are stuffed with brand new clothes from myself & her aunts, some of them she hasn't even worn yet. Money is tight right now, but she is growing so clothes are a priority for her. Meanwhile, DH & I are dressed practically in rags (no kidding - I just superglued an old pair of sandals so that I could stretch them out one more summer & have not even one pair of jeans without holes in them).

So, after DH dropped her off this morning, I told him that we were going to have to talk before the next visit. I want respect in my own home from both of them. When she disrespects me & DH does nothing, it reinforces her behavior & shows her that he doesn't respect me either. I want a say in the rules: strict bedtime, peaceful meals, being thankful, no backtalk or other disrespectful behavior, more responsibilities and mature behavior on her part. And I want DH to back me up on this stuff so that I am not always the "bad guy". And I want consequences for not following the rules. If we can't come to an agreement or if he can't follow through, I am done. I can't do this for 12 more years.