I think I would like to say #2 as it makes me come across as a more reasonable person, but in actuality it was probably a #1! Several times one or other of the SDs expressed the desire to move in here, when they were not getting on with NPD BM, but I strongly resisted - not least because we don't really have the room.  I also have two grown up daughters, who both have kids, and they come and stay often.  It would just not have been feasible for the SDs to live here. We are actually just on the verge of moving to a bigger house now - but I will still never let either of the SDs come and live with us.  They are not minors any longer, they are both in their 20s, and not my DH's responsibility any more. 

#4

 I also think you should not live together or marry until you are prepared for #4.  It took me 7ish years before I would move in with DH.  And also.... BM could die or up and move.

I also think skids should be allowed to live with the other parent if they are not getting along with the CP or just want to try living with the other parent.   (as long as all parents agree)  But they can only move ONCE.  ONLY ONCE.  If they move back to CP they can not move back in with NCP if it all goes to crap again.  

I think it is un realistic of anyone to think a man will not let his child move in with him.  I think if a man does NOT let his kid move in because of a partner...they are not a real man/parent.  JMHO

I would have been okay with it when SD was a minor, I expected it, actually. She only asked to move in when she was 17 and it was part of a scheming/manipulation thing that BM concocted, not a real request because she wanted to live with us.

Later, when she was about 21 or 22, married, and had 2 kids, she asked if they could "stay" with us for a "few" weeks. That was a hard NO.

Feral Forger SD20almost21 = #1

Munchkin SD13  = #4, and her and I have talked at length about it - she will go to college, possibly community college, she will have a drivers license, and a parttime job. Shes a joy to be around and respectful. She can live with us, until she is ready to be independant.

#4

My YSD did actually live with us for a year.. she was in 2nd grade and talked her mom into letting her do it.. because "kids should have a choice too mama".. I will note that my DH agreed to pay BM her full CS during this time which honestly wasn't a huge sum of money.. but he knew that was the only way.

I will say that both the girls would have been better off FT under our roof.. BM was less emotionally stable with them.. not to an abusive level.. but she ran hot/cold.  They would have had better schools in our area as well.  

buut.. mommee will die without her precious kids.. so my DH didn't fight it.. kids weren't abused so no real cause to change it.

Had it had to happen due to BM's death or something.. I would have been ok with it.

Just as a side note.. I WOULD allow YSD 22 to move in with us temporarily because I know she would keep to her promises to contribute and move out on her own in a reasonable time.  She also respects me and we get along well and she is not a selfish person.

OSD and her two kids under the age of 4?  HA NO WAY Jose.. Even if it were just her I would be against it because she is just not a pleasant person to be around.  A baby and toddler too?. that would be a big ole NOPE burger for me.

But.. sure.. when they were both minors.. based upon how they were as minor skids.. yes. 

It is a different story when you start talking about dangerous behavior that impacts others in the household though.

I was #4 and it happened when SS21 then 18 went to college and SS17 then 13 came to live with us.  At first it was so easy, SS13 was on his best behavior and we were all happy.

2 months later and it was hell for 3 years.  My DH went on BP meds and I stopped sleeping.  Horrible.

He has since went back to DBDB and DH and I are happy again.

Now it stands as #4 for SS21 since I offered him to live with us rent free for 2 years to pay off his small student loan of $20K and #3 for SS17.  We are building a new home and he is not welcome to liver there.

I truly never thought Spawn would move in with us, especially since shortly after DH and I married Meth Mouth and her current victim at the time were moving cross country. DH was allowing it and not doing anything to get a visitation schedule in place and I honestly figured not my problem and thank god.

Sadly we all know how that turned out, Meth Mouth got arrested, went crazy on drugs and we ended up raising Spawn until she was 17, I would say at that point I wanted to leave my DH or move out until she was gone, but I just couldn't do it.

I'm a #4. 

DH and BM divorced when YSD was still an infant. BM had relapsed after a relatively long period of stable mental health, and she refused to get treatment. DH filed for divorce and sole custody. They had since moved back to 50/50 custody when I met him, but I knew #4 was on the table from the get-go and it was more a matter of "when" not "if". I do think it made it "better" that both skids were so young when DH and I started dating and living together.

The first time the skids came to live with us full time, they were nearly 3 and 7. I think their young ages combined with the complete absence of BM (and her terrible method of parenting and influence on the skids) made it easier to set age appropriate rules and expect them to be followed. DH was also very responsive to my suggestions about using the time away from BM to correct some of the less-desirable behaviors the skids had developed from so much time with her brand of lazy-crazy, so I didn't have any of the issues a lot of SMs have on here, with a husband who won't enforce rules or give the SM any authority. DH wasn't perfect by any means (nor was I!) but mostly we worked together and didn't undermine each other or teach the skids they could play us against each other or put a wedge between us. 

I think it helped set the tone for all of the subsequent "bounce backs" the skids have done since. This most recent time, OSD was 12 and YSD was 7ish (or close to it) and both kids kind of knew the drill. Our house has been the consistent house. Whether they live here half time or full time, it's the same rules and the same schedule. Always.

But I can't imagine if I would have to have them full time for the first time starting NOW, with OSDstb14! Teenagers are sooo hard and are much more difficult in their rebellion than a tantrum throwing toddler. If we had to establish all the house rules now, for the first time? I think it would be much more unpleasant for all of us.

I was a solid 4...DH and I even moved closer to Skids, because he wanted to angle for more time. Now, however, I'm a fim 1. SSs are teens now and have been completed unparented - and yes that includes DH who on occasion tries to parent, but is not good with follow-up and is now honestly scared that if he parents, SSs will never come around. DH will even admit that they are entitled, have zero resilience, and no "drive" as he likes to call it. I'm not interested in trying to parent teens who have not been taught how to behave as humans. I can't fix what their mother has not done and I won't be stuck with adults who fail to launch because they didn't come to me until they were very close to launching. 

I also now refuse to give BM even more reason to contact us. She has proven that she cannot be reasonable about anything. It's impossible to "co-parent" with someone who is not reasonable. Right now, DH is completely marginalized because she has custody. If we had custody, she would be a big thorn in our side, including constant crying that we needed to include her in every decision (since she continues to try to dictate what DH does on his four days a month with SKids). I'm not interested in getting involved in that. 

If BM died or was sent to jail, of course, I'd take them in, but really those would be the only circumstances at this point. 

I like to project as a 1.  If things were to go down today in the here and now, truly I am a 4 with qualifiers.

Out of necessity or true best interest? They are always welcome - as minors.  Respectful, well parented, acclimate to (rather than rail against) the household minors.  

If we are talking some phony indignant self righteousness being the driving force behind such a change... and SO not only entertained but allowed it?  I'd be at 2 though likely just in denial about really being at 3. 

The issue there wouldn't so much be full time skids as it would be SO abdicating the responsibilities of his role not only as their parent but my partner.  Realistically I know I couldn't handle a deluded pushover.  So if he were to embrace capitulating to such nonsense, steam rolling me in the process, I'd lose all respect for him.

my skids were so horrible it defies the laws of nature.  of course the parents should have been sterilized at birth.

I was a #4 - there was a time when SS20 wanted to live with us, around age 14, and DH tried to get custody, only for SS to lie yet again on BM's behalf and end up completely alienated. But he stayed with us for most of a summer.

Now, I don't know. I'd be okay with him living there IF - we added more room to our house (it's only about 1200 square feet and SS is a freaking linebacker) AND, he had a full-time job or full-time school.  As he is now, in his Failure to Launch mode, no thanks. 

With the way BM is, DH and I wondered when she would implode and we would have SD full time. So I have been preparing myself since the beginning. 

 There was a huge chance this was going to become reality because of SD's school choice for next year, but I don't think it's going to happen now. Long story; I might blog it later. 

I am sure you remember all my experience with this, Aniki :-)  As do some of the longer time posters around here - both from my WOB days and my Former days...

I was always a solid #4 - I always knew that anything could happen and DH could end up with the skids full time.  And, as everyone knows, he did.  Full time and I mean full effing time, as Medusa had ZERO parenting time.

What I wasn't prepared for was the stress and strain it would put on my marriage (and my life, in general).  In the end, all worked out fine, and ASS will NEVER be allowed in my home.  For any amount of time.  At all. 

*Taylor Swift font* - like never ever ever 

My DH is a 50/50 parent, not NCP, so my situation is different, but I'm #4.  

Financially, there's not much difference - we already have to have a big enough house for them, they already have full wardrobes, toys, games, bikes and "stuff" at our house, so we're talking some extra food and a bit of electricity. I'm familiar with the skids, they're already used to our house and our routines. I'd miss my non-skid days, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.

I can't imagine being the non-CP household and getting skids suddenly.  No matter how good the skids and the DH, that'd be a rough transition. 

I don't think you should ever move in or marry someone who has children unless you are a #4... UNLESS due to allegations or happenings in your home, etc. that has changed you from a #4 to another number on the chart.

I feel like it is selfish and unrealistic for someone to be with someone who has a child or children and not be accepting of, be against, or not expect the possibility of the child/children moving in with your partner and them become the CP. To go into a relationship saying #4 is not and never will be an option is not fair to the children or your SO.

Personally, I feel bad for my friend's husband who has a GREAT case of becoming the CP because of BM's actions, etc. but my friend (his wife) said she does not want that right now because she just got a new job... kind of upset me a little because I would never of began a relationship with my bf if I was going to ever tell him not to become the CP especially when the room is available, the children are young, etc. all the things others have listed above.

Nope. Number 1..  not moving in. I would never go into a situation looking to date a man who had full custody of his children due to the mother no longer being alive or mentally incapable of caring for the child. IF and that's a big IF, the mother was a good mother who raised well behaved children and she became extremely ill and died or a tragedy of some sort happened  after we married then I would understanding of  the children needing to move in. I still wouldn't parent the children due to the difficulties that may pose for the children and myself as a result of the grief so the SO would need to get a nanny to help out. 

Now, if the children need to move in because the mother is a terrible human being who A) can't deal with them or is spiteful we got married so gives up the kids or C) the children want to live with dad then I would leave and get divorced. Case A means I'm dealing with an idiot who can't parent. Case B would cause way too much drama. The kids will have abandon issues and etc and Case C I would be seeing the kids more than my boyfriend because he works a lot so absolutely freaking not. 

Before anyone adds..what about in the case of the kids being abused ? I'm not marrying anyone who was stupid enough to reproduce with a subpar person. That is bad for me to be involved with so I am always looking for clues of that.

When I started dating SO I was #3. I always planned to never date anyone who had kids and when we started our relationship his daughter lived all the way across the country. Two months into him moving in with me BM did the unimaginable and decided to move to our state.

I would say from about a year into our relationship I changed to #4 and have remained at that stance for 10 years until she PAS'd out again. We had actually had conversations about her moving in the week that she decided to go to back to BM's and cut us off again.

Now I'm #1 and since she's 17 almost 18 I will stay strong if she ever comes back around and chooses to speak to us again.

I was always #4. And it became a reality about 8 years ago.

My mother (who is right much more than I’d like to admit lol) said to me after Skankula cut off DH again for the 3rd time out of SDramas life: “ you just wait...Skankula will screw up and you’ll end up getting SDrama as a teenager...”

Doggonit if she wasn’t right-although it was definitely against both of their wills (EC)she moved in with us at 11 years old...and then all h3ll broke lose. She turned out much better than we think she would have, had she stayed with Skankula...she definitely wouldn’t have finished HS. 

Now we are just landlords and she barely speaks to us. After everything we have all given her and  sacrificed. I’ve disengaged, but it’s going to come to a head soon bc I cannot continue to live this way. Either I’m leaving or she is. 

Except that he would have had to move out since it's my house. I actually stopped YSD visitation in my house when she was 17.5. Told him he could spend those weekends with his parents, I was done with being disrespected by someone who was getting her lines via text from BM. 

#4:

SD did live with us 100% of the academic year for a couple of years. It was stressful and the summers without her around were great but it was not too bad overall. As she is getting older, it should be less stressful as she is getting more independent and my husband and I should be able to go out and leave her at home for a few hours and hopefully she will need less supervision in general. She is though about to hit teens years and the moodiness has already started to strike on occasion so that will be tricky to navigate. 

I am committed to my husband and I am committed to my husband being the best dad he can be so I will support him if sd comes to live with us again. 

There propably are theoretical future senarios that could lead me to want to move out, but hopefully they won't happen.

Solid 4. I'm one of those that believes if you date or marry someone with kids there's always a chance they'll live there fulltime. 

No 1 - There is no way on this earth I would live with saurons spawn.

If DH wants to live with his kids he can move out. *diablo*