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needing some perspective

andrew_street's picture

Not to get too TMI...but why is my SO completely uninterested in sex? We had a baby in October and she got the depo shot...starting to wonder why! We went from sex almost every day to now 7 times in 4 months. I need answers! HELP?

Comments

Midwest Stepmom's picture

I'm sure having a 4 month old in the house is making her very tired. Being spit up on and having those fun blow outs don't exactly make a women feel sexy. also, even though men say they help with the children, it's still not as much as a mother. She is probably tired. Another thing could also be self body image issues. She still might have some of the baby weight and visible stretch marks.

amber3902's picture

After I had my baby, I was exhausted. You have no idea what a number a pregnancy does on a woman's body. I was so tired, the last thing I wanted to do was have sex.

Also, do you call or send her texts during the day to let her know you're thinking about her? My exH used to ignore me all day long until it was about 10pm at night. Then he'd want to have sex. I told him I can't turn it on after not getting any attention all day long. And the fact that he did nothing to help out around the house didn't improve matters either.

Aeron's picture

Does your baby sleep? Is your SO able to sleep? Do you get up with the baby at night? Because at 4 months my baby was flipping sleep the bird. Naps were a joke, and I was up with her a good 6 or more times a night. Exhausting beyond words. My DH wanted me to just stay up to watch tv one night and that didnt even involve effort. Not a chance dude. I want Sleep! He didn't really get it either until he had baby duty for 24 hours.

fakemommy's picture

Sleep is a big thing. Even if the baby is sleeping she's still got a lot more.going on than she did before. Also, it is hard to.feel.like a woman when you are a new mom. if you are trying for it a lot that may actually be a turn off. One more.person guilting and demanding. Also, if you haven't been supportive, understanding and helpful with the baby and weren't supportive during labor, she may find it difficult to do anything but resent you. Have you tried to see how she feels without.pressurring her? My phone sucks when I try to.post.

coySM's picture

Yes! Clean the house, do the dishes. Do it for a few days in a row. It will totally get her attention. Works on me every time.

moeilijk's picture

Even if you are a wonderful DH, this is a toughie. I had a baby two months ago and am married to Mr. Fantastic. Yet he gets almost zero action and a lot of angry wifey. I feel 100% responsible for the care of the baby - that she is clean, well-fed, comfortable, appropriately stimulated, happy, healthy and developing as she should. That all her clothes, bedding, bottles, etc are clean and everything prepared ahead so that I can minimize screaming-baby time.

I feel 100% responsible for laundry, meal planning, cooking, cleaning, tidying, and hosting all the damn people who want to see the baby.

We also have a cat.

My husband, for some reason, is completely unaware that I do all these things, that I don't actually LIKE doing any of them (except playing with the baby, the Chernobyl-poops I could do without), and that I see him sitting around NOT doing stuff as a slap in my face... because IT'S SO OBVIOUS that it needs to be done. Well, not completely unaware. When I go ballistic he suddenly grows eyeballs.

May I suggest that one night, you send her to get ready for bed while you clean up the kitchen. Then when you join her, you start telling her how great she is and that you really appreciate all the things she does. Then list them. My husband has had great success complimenting me on all the frickin' STUFF I do.

Mercury's picture

I can't speak about the baby part, I've never had one. Everyone else has offered a good perspective on that aspect.

What I DO know is that chemical BC was a real sex drive killer for me. I'm in my 40's now and I've been on birth control several times in my life, starting when I was 18. Every single time it was the same story, I lost all interest in sex.

The last time I was on it was about 3 years ago. I noticed a huge change when I went off of it. My husband got a vasectomy and we have sex every day.

amber3902's picture

LOL, Andrew, I hope you're too busy washing the dishes and changing diapers to respond!

andrew_street's picture

LOL...truthfully I have been busy. SD10th B'day party had us all running around pretty crazy.

askYOURdad's picture

two things...

Most of the other posters here are correct in the exhaustion part of it so no need to repeat. I would first talk to your wife about it, there is a possibility her birth control is affecting her sex drive and if she is on the same page as you wanting it more it might be worth bringing up to her doctor.

Second, As other's mention, helping around the house is nice, but I would also try to just focus your attention on her. See if grandma or someone can watch the baby, give her a nice massage/take a bath together light some candles and give her a nice romantic night of just the two of you. I realize you can't do this everyday, but it might be a nice start to remind her how wonderful some adult time can be and she might realize she is missing it and needs to make more room for it.

HungryEyes's picture

Men need sex to feel loved.
Women need to feel love to have sex.

She's probably exhausted honestly. Trying warming up the oven during the day with texts and calls letting her know that you're thinking about her.

andrew_street's picture

I have read all your responses and I can add this to the mix. Short of breastfeeding our baby myself...I DO EVERYTHING. I cook dinner, I clean up after dinner. I do laundry. All she does is play games on her iPhone and feed the baby. I change diapers. I bathe the baby 75% of the time. I take out the trash. I vaccumn. I clean the bathrooms.

Seriously guys...I have been as helpful as I can be. HOWEVER, I will start trying to text her throught the day and stuff...that part I have been weak on. Maybe that will change things. Not like I'll announce my victories or anything...but I will try what has be recommended.

askYOURdad's picture

All she does is play games on her iPhone and feed the baby. I change diapers. I bathe the baby 75% of the time. I take out the trash. I vaccumn. I clean the bathrooms.

^^^If this is true, is there a chance your DW could be having some post partum depression issues? Your sentence above made her sound pretty lazy, I would assume she wasn't that way before or you wouldn't be procreating with her... although lol from the BM stories on here I guess it's possible.

andrew_street's picture

I swear to god...I have tried to talk with her about post partum depression, because you are right...she was not this way before. It's like I don't even know her anymore. BUT she refuses to talk to a doctor about it. I wish she would but I don't know what else to do. I can't make her go to the doctor.