Why Step Parenting Doesn't work
Why step parenting relationships fail when the BF is a guilty/lazy parent
(BF can also be exchanged for BM in the cases of step dads)
1. BF has to admit the way he parents is not working – in other words he has to admit he was wrong and want to change the way he parents.
2. Even if BF is willing to admit his parenting has not worked and is willing to change – it is in his NATURE to be a guilty/lazy parent. He didn’t just wake up one day and say “Hey, I’m going to stop making my kid behave.” We all have inborn methods of parenting that are a combination of the way we were raised and our own personal philosophies. Parenting is like a habit, and tt's going to take effort on BF's part to change what has become his habit.
3. You have kids who are used to being parented a certain way for the entire span of their lives. Any change is going to take a lot of work, time and support from the bio-parent.
4. You have a BM who usually has the stepkids more than BF does, she can undermine and undo any training you and BF are trying to do.
5. You will be trying to parent these children with one arm tied behind your back. You are not their mother (or father) and you will not be able to discipline them the way you can your bios.
Now I’m not saying ALL BF’s are lazy/guilty parents. There are plenty of single fathers out there doing an excellent job. But if all BF’s were like this, there would be no need for forums like step talk, right?
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Comments
I agree totally. I had
I agree totally.
I had another realization after a bit of time.
DH complains non stop about the shitty parent BM is\was. DH is not much different in my opinion. At first I thought all his complaints meant he wanted his kids to be raised how I raise mine - BOY was I wrong. I learned that early and dropped that stupid idea and just watched.
BM and DH are crappy parents - sure DH loves his kids. He is guilty to have split from the mother of his children. He is discouraged that parenting is hard for him when it seems to come easy for me but is unwilling to try my way or let me have my way because its too hard for his kids.
My realization:
BM and DH while married were both so crappy parents that child raising was a huge problem for them - they were creating monsters and neither one was able to control or figure out what to do with their kids - and this contributed to their already crappy marriage. Their kids played a part in destroying any marriage they might have had left outside of their other problems.
Those same kids and problems have been carried into my relationship with DH now. DH thought by divorcing BM that he was putting all the problems behind him, he just hasn't been able to figure out that the way the kids are being raised is still a problem and now its causing problems in our relationship. Since I have the option to disengage, maybe, just maybe they won't be able to destroy us like they did their own parents.
BM and DH bounce the kids back and forth, neither one wanting to be responsible and both pointing their finger at the other for accountability to why the kids are so screwed up. Then they come to agree it is because they are children of divorce.
I wonder how many relationships end BECAUSE of their own damn kids. I wonder how that would sit with some of these now adult step brats who blame everyone else for their parents split. Look in the mirror - you may have caused half the divorce yourself.
DH somehow thinks his kids will be parented magically with no changes by him and not allowing me to engage just by being in our house 50% of the time - oh DH - I hope you wake up before its too late.
Oh my god, did I write this?
Oh my god, did I write this? You are describing my DH perfectly. At first when he was always complaining about her I agreed with him. Until I moved in and saw that - of course! - it takes two to parent and they are both to blame. When I'm feeling very vindictive I just laugh to myself when I see the results of their parenting play out and think of what will happen in the future. Of course that's not helpful, but it's a way for me to cope.
Yeah - my exBF used to
Yeah - my exBF used to complain about what a shitty parent his BM was. But HE was just as bad as she was, probably worse. I bet he probably lied about what a horrible mom BM was.
Disengaging was not possible for me. It's impossible for me to see a kid misbehave and not let it get to me. And I knew living with BF's kid would not work for me because there was no way I could ignore the messes his son made, ignore the times he interrupted our adult conversations, etc. There was no way I could just ignore BF's poor parenting.
Her latest tests came out
Her latest tests came out clean. She has started her daily injections of meds and the side effects aren't nice but she is managing. Overall - things are looking up - the only unknown being where and when the next tumors can appear - there is no way to know - sort of like little timebombs - could be 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years or 20 years - no way to know - all we know is that they will.
Yep. What's weird is that
Yep. What's weird is that MOST if not ALL parenting is done by their step-parents.