Mother EFFER (language warning)
So SD17 is supposed to stay here one night a week. (For those not familiar with the backstory, she's pregnant and living with her boyfriend. Not our choice, but the options were to "allow" it or lose her. The boyfriend, for the record, is a 23 year old unmedicated bipolar with at least one prior conviction for domestic assault, and is at the VERY least controlling and emotionally abusive.)
However, she hasn't been here in over a month. It's one excuse after another. They "took the wrong exit and got lost". He was "too tired to drive" her. She was "having Braxton Hicks contractions all night the night before and didn't want to get out of bed". (She hasn't even reached viability yet, so BH contractions? Enough to keep her up all night? I don't think so.) She was SUPPOSED to be here tonight. But she never showed up and didn't call.
DH tried calling. Tried texting. No answer. He finally called the boyfriend's mother to find out what was going on and the bitch said, "What do you care? You don't give a fuck about her." DH hung up on her.
After that little episode, SD17 (presumably, although it's entirely possible that it's the boyfriend) texted DH saying he knew she wasn't coming tonight (bullshit) and that she doesn't want him calling BF's BM and "starting shit".
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
I don't even know what to do. Part of me wants to wash my hands of her. She's been lying to us, she doesn't want to see us, she is (for the moment) willingly being controlled.
But I fear how this ends. He's going to abuse her more, the longer they're together. And probably the baby - abusers abuse. And when she's had enough, she'll need to have an out. We need to be there enough that she can trust us to help her.
Jesus christ. I just want to scream FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK at the top of my lungs.
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It occurred to me. At the
It occurred to me. At the moment she's supposed to come over tomorrow. If she doesn't I will push DH as hard as I can to send the cops for a "well check" though. This is unreal.
I did this to my parents, I
I did this to my parents, I was 18, he was 24 and we were in LOOOOVVVEEE! *eyeroll* I lived with him for a year and a half, during which I got pregnant and he "lost" his job. He was on unemployment and I was working FT and OT while pregnant. So, being the headstrong bitch that I am I all but demanded he quit smoking since he wasn't bringing in enough money.
It took 3 mos, he had always been controlling, but not bad enough for me to feel like it was wrong. Talking about it now I sound like a goddamn moron to not have realized it while it was happening. After he had the cravings is when I was getting screamed at, having things thrown at me, eventually hit - not hard, and it was an 'accident' he didn't mean it. I stayed for a bit after that, but the screaming and psychotic anger continued and I walked.
My dad and my SM expected rent, and I paid it with no bitching. They were nice enough to let me pay what I could basically. I worked full time, and after childcare and formula I couldn't always give them very much. My SM is actually the one who helped me get on FS at that time "I've paid into it for 30 goddamn years, this is what it's for!" It was actually nice to know that my family only tolerated him. I knew they didn't like him. So it was much easier to say "I need to leave" than it would have been if I had thought they loved him too.
I wrote a novel, sorry. But I was your SD 5-6 years ago, at least in her situation. My personality might be different, but the situation is the same.
Thanks guys, good thoughts
Thanks guys, good thoughts all. (And special thanks to KiFire for sharing your story. Hearing from women who were in similar situations and got out gives me hope.)
I'll think about whether we can approach the mother. My gut feeling though, is "no". Honestly, I think she's mentally unstable herself. And I'm not sure how much "maternal instinct" she's got - Baby Daddy is living with his grandmother, not his mom, and apparently has for a long time. And I know her younger son hasn't spoken to her in over 5 years and refuses to even consider it. No idea why there's bad blood there, but.... I get the feelings she's one of the "psycho BM's" we here about here, more concerned with herself and less concerned (or not at all) about her children's well being. I know she was also a teen BM, and that she did not end up staying with her children's father. I strongly suspect that she's living her own past through my SD - and trying to "hang on to the man" by making sure SD would have trouble breaking free. That's conjecture on my part, but at the moment it fits what I know of her so far. Perhaps we can see about getting the grandmother's phone number and stay in touch with her instead. She seems more reasonable - either that or she's better at hiding the crazy. *sigh*
We did end up seeing SD today. They came to the house for 30 minutes before Baby Daddy said they had to leave. He's "sick" and they had to go get "medicine". (Sorry, is my skepticism showing?) Of course, DH had offered to go pick SD up instead but Baby Daddy said no, they'd both come. In any case, she seemed all right, physically at least.
This afternoon we went and visited with DH's family. I had a quiet word with SD's favorite cousin and mentioned that he might want to make a habit of catching up with her every few weeks. He said he would, so hopefully we'll have a "back door" to find out how she is and make sure she's safe. At the moment, that's about all I can think to do.