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I just don't even know how I feel

AllySkoo's picture

This is more a vent than anything else, I need to get it off my chest. Backstory... SD17 is pregnant. Her BF (23) is awful - he's never been very good to her, he's controlling and is systematically isolating her from her family, and although he hasn't hit her (to my knowledge) he has at least one prior domestic assault charge from hitting a previous girlfriend. She "loves" him though, so she's allowing this to continue.

Her mom allowed BF to move into her house with SD, then 2 months later kicked them both out. DH wanted SD to live with us, and SD flatly refused. Since he didn't want to escalate things to police action, he compromised that SD will spend one night a week with us, and that she (and BF) will spend weekends at our house. This Friday will be the first night she sleeps over, and Saturday we're having BF's whole vile clan over for dinner to "get to know them".

I'm angry. I'm angry that SD is allowing herself to be in this relationship, that she's so hungry for a family of her own that she's allowing herself to be mistreated. I'm angry that this is affecting my DH so deeply. I'm angry that I have to expose our young bios to this crap. I'm angry that *I* have to be involved.

I'm heartsick. I'm so sad that SD17's entire life plan has been derailed. I'm afraid that she won't even finish high school, let alone go to college and become a nurse as she had planned. (BF won't allow her to get her driver's license - he's going to allow her to get an education? Yeah, right.) I'm sad that she is allowing her relationship with her father to suffer, that she doesn't call him or see him unless DH forces the BF to allow it.

I'm scared. I'm desperately afraid for this baby and whether or not his/her father will abuse and control her child too. I'm afraid for my bios, that they might see this as "normal", that they are exposed to this toxic trash. I'm afraid that when this all blows up that I will have SD and her baby living in my house - and that we will all then be exposed to an angry, potentially dangerous ex-BF. I'm afraid that if I don't allow SD to live with us when it all goes to hell that DH will hold it against me, or that SD and her baby would be forced to live in an unsafe situation.

I wish it would all just go away. I wish I could write SD off and not care. I wish BF would get hit by a truck tomorrow. I wish she had never gotten pregnant. I wish that these horrible people were not coming to my house this weekend. I wish....

Comments

just.his.wife's picture

I-m so happy EXACTLY THAT

And I would be telling my DH if he brings that SHIT into my house I would make SURE to include in the police report that he enabled/ facilitated the statutory rape.

No fucking way in hell this would happen in my house.
Go by a cast iron skillet and BRAIN the idiot your married to for even THINKING for a MOMENT that this is ok!

Disneyfan's picture

Police???

What happened to fathers,uncles, brothers....dealing with these matters man to man.

DF's oldest daugther is 17. If a 23 year touched her, he would beat the hell out of him.

Disneyfan's picture

Regardless of what mom allowed, dad could have dealt with the punk himself.

AllySkoo's picture

"dad said no to the BF moving in so BM let both SD and BF move in with her and then kicked them out"

Yes. If she'd kept her freaking mouth SHUT and not tried to play Mother Of The Year then we'd still have this under control. She couldn't stand it when SD wanted to live with her father, and she saw this as her shot at getting SD back in her house. Unfortunately, once BM got SD to move back out of our house, DH had no control over her, and since BM was incapable of ACTUALLY being a good mother, now we have this mess.

AllySkoo's picture

Just to answer the question, we DID talk to the police about options. No, he cannot be charged with rape, age of consent in our state is 16. Even having the police involved in dragging her out of his house and back to ours is problematic - she'd just leave again, we'd alienate her, and the officer I spoke to warned us "unofficially" that at 4 months shy of 18 it would probably be a bad idea to get the police involved UNLESS she was willing. It would accomplish nothing except to drive her further away when we need to try to keep her close.

As for DH "taking care of him", freaking NO. Good lord. I do not want MY HUSBAND in jail for being such an idiot. Plus we would again drive her further away when we need to keep an eye on her. As emotionally satisfying as it might be to punch him in the nose, realistically that would be stupid.

AllySkoo's picture

Funny you should mention that, because BF said something I took exception to (he told me this was "between family" and gestured to SD, DH and himself), and I backed him down so fast it was almost funny. Seriously, he did the dog thing, when you scold a dog - look away, head down, no eye contact. He is a total coward when it comes to anyone he perceives as not "controllable".

The officer I spoke to said that the only "exception" to the age of consent being 16 is if she was coerced (like if a coach or teacher or someone had sex with her). Given the age difference and her behavior, we actually *could* make that argument - but without her backing it up we would NEVER make it stick. And then SD would have NO ONE in her corner. She's alienated her mother and sisters, friends, extended family - her dad and I appear to be the last ones who haven't given up on her. And when she finally does want out (and I believe that she will) I want her to have someone she can call for help. So we can't afford to alienate her if it's not going to result in getting her away from this guy.

hereiam's picture

The BF won't "allow" her to get her driver's license? And she doesn't see a problem with this? I mean, I know she's young but geez.

No way in hell would I want to be without my driver's license, especially with a baby.

I am surprised the BF is agreeing to the weekend sleepovers.

I really hope your SD sees his true colors soon.

Merry's picture

Similar story with my own Bio, although thank god no pregnancy. I don't know why some women take up with losers. But they do. This boy used her, used me, broke into our house with his OTHER girlfriend while DH and I were out of town. My D quit college, left town with him and supported him by working two jobs while he stayed home to make money by entering "gaming" contests. He had convinced her that I in particular was a controlling bitch.

She learned about food pantries and having power shut off and seeking and being turned down for various types of assistance. If I could figure out a way to kill him and not get caught, I still would.

One day my D called me crying and asking for $50 to put gas in her car so she could come home. She grabbed her dog, picked up the money through Western Union, came home and cried and slept for days. Long story short, the asshole eventually followed her, she "loved him" so wanted to try again. Same cycle, her dad and I tossed him out and called the cops for trespassing, and that was apparently that. I think my D saw with her own eyes how badly he talked to us, her parents (called us vile, filthy names, probably the same things he called her to control her), and finally she had enough. He has tried to contact her several times since. I was worried that he would track her down and do her harm, and I still worry about it but I guess he's gone on to another victim.

BUT several years of serious counseling and she is back in school and dating a kind, smart man that treats her well. He has an education and a grownup JOB. Her life is coming together and now I see a strong woman in my D where I used to see a scared, broken little girl.

I hope your SD can get through this and come out stronger on the other side. She will, I hope, learn a lot about herself and what she wants and needs from life. And you will always want that truck to run over (and back up over) the BF.

Mercury's picture

I am so sorry. I don't know what to say. You are right to worry about your bios but even if contact with these people is inevitable, their exposure to low life trashy people doesn't have to have a negative impact on them. You still have more control over that situation than you realize. My parents were not perfect and they made many mistakes with my siblings and I when we were kids but they tried to maintain a relatively stable home for us and always held us to very high standards of conduct. My mom's sister was the complete opposite. She was trashy, made poor decision after poor decision, lived in a dirty environment and never learned to manage her own life. When I was a kid, I wasn't prevented from being around her (although I wouldn't have blamed my parents if they wanted to shelter me from her) but I knew she was "off". There was always something about her that didn't seen quite right even though I couldn't recognize what that was until I was older. The thing I remembered most was the love, patience, and compassion my mother had for her. I'm not saying you should be that generous with these people but I really do think your kids will be looking towards you, observing and emulating your reactions to them. The relationship they have with you, the life they see you living has a way bigger impact on them now.

AllySkoo's picture

Vanessa and mercury - THANK YOU. Seriously, I'm almost crying, and I don't cry. Seeing this from your two different perspectives and how it can all come right in the end.... God I hope.

broken.lost - we were posting at the same time, I wanted to say thank you to you too! It IS good to know there are women out there who went through the same thing and came out stronger for it. It still sucks to watch her go through it, but it at least gives me hope for the future.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Ok, I've now read Mairin's tale. ^^^^^^^ I work in crime. Yes, ^^yes,^^ yes.^^^^^ This guy exhibits ALL the signs already.

Condolenes, Mairin.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Haven't read the thread so don't know if anyone already said this....

Why not get the police involved???? This man is guilty of statutory rape. Police come in, you let the girl see the natural consequences of flouting the rules -- and you give her a path out of this trap. CPS will step in on behalf of both the teen and her baby. Teen may never get herself out of this, but at least baby will be monitored. And horrid baby-daddy will be labeled sex offender for the predator he is.

Won't "let" her get a driver's license? Apparently your DH doesn't realize by supporting this he is setting up his daughter for some very ugly things ahead. When he has to id her on a morgue slab maybe then he'll realize embracing this guy was the wrong wrong wrong path.

No way no how would I allow that man in my home. I would leave DH before I would be subjected to that. Especially if I had kids.

Sorry you are going through this. Guess I should be thankful SD15s bf is also 15 and actually nicer than she is. What a nightmare you have. Sorry sorry sorry.

AllySkoo's picture

True, she likely won't listen to me, and she absolutely won't listen to her mother... but she MIGHT just listen to her dad, if he can approach it right.

AllySkoo's picture

No, no worries. Smile You've been very helpful, and I appreciate you sharing your story with me!

AllySkoo's picture

I think I might have left the impression that we were letting the BF move in with us or sleep at our house - no. He (and SD) are to come over during the days on weekends to spend time with DH so DH can "get to know" the guy.

I might plan on spending days out with my kids for the most part, although then they don't get to see their dad which hardly seems fair to them. *sigh*

I strongly suspect that the "spending time together" thing will get ignored soon though. BF will come up with reasons why they "can't make it today". Honestly, as long as SD spends her one night (alone) at our house, I think that would be ideal for me. I want her to have that one night of freedom from him, even if she doesn't see it that way yet.

AllySkoo's picture

Lol That is my "silver lining" thought. I love babies, I wish DH and I could have more. (NOT happening though!) And the really great thing about other people's babies? I get to give them back when they cry! Wink I actually wouldn't mind (I think) if SD and her baby (or hell, even just the baby!) lived with us. It would be hard financially, but emotionally I'd love to have another baby to cuddle and coo at. I'm a sap.

AllySkoo's picture

Pretty much thank you for that *entire* post, I actually feel a bit calmer after reading it. And I'm glad for (another!) story of a girl in my SD's situation who came through strong. I'm still afraid for her, but I have some hope now too.

I do have a daughter, she's two. And she's already SO much more a handful - and so much more defiant! - than my boys that I get cold shivers every time I think of her as a teenager. Hopefully between two parents and two brothers we can keep her from doing anything outstandingly stupid. Hopefully.

I think you're actually spot on with your advice regarding my DH. It's something we were almost subconsciously doing - he'd said something to her about using the next 4 months before she turns 18 to show us how adult she can be - but it's useful to have it said so explicitly. I'll talk to him about that as a goal tonight.