Having kids with DH actually made me resent having the stepbrats around. I want him to spend all of his spare time with only ours. I know that is selfish... but it is what it is. I don't want to spend the special moments in life as a family with stepbrats. I also want more for my kids and hate that some of their money is going to steps.

The thing I didn't count on was that our kids love and like being with skids. They get so excited to see them. But their bond with skids is different then mine. I have no bond with skids, my kids are bonded because they are siblings.

I will tell you that while skids may not ever grow on me, I don't mind them as much now because they get along with our kids.

It depends on how mentally stable the kids are to begin with, my Skids adore their new little sisters there's no anomosity towards them, there is jelousy because we throw birthday parties, and halloween parties and I'm a SAHM so my kids get to do more with us, while they have been left at daycares and weird boyfriends houses and there mom doesn't really get in to celebrating things apparently. So yeah we do feel the guilt and it makes us over compensate. BM encouraged them to be good big sisters and big girl helpers and they took it to heart so that helped.

I met my DH on Match.com and one of the reasons that I actually even agreed to meet him was that on his profile he said that his son was important but he also wanted a relationship with a woman - he wanted someone to spend the rest of his life with and to have a woman there - so on our first date one of my questions was would you consider having another child if we got married (I was in my late 30's and did not want to spend anytime with a man if it was going nowhere and he did not want children - see I wanted a child and I was not willing to comprise that for anything. (The guy right before my DH was a wonderful guy and worth close to 9 million dollars yes you read that correctly 9 MILLION DOLLARS but he had 2 kids and did not want anymore so I walked away from the relationship even though we were in love and were doing great I knew I would resent him if I could not have one and he would resent me if we did have a child - which by the way I have seen him on FB and he is worth even more now!!! But having my DH and my DD is worth more to me than millions)

So the real question is not what having the baby will do to the whole family but whether you and DH want a baby. In my marriage DH and I come first to each other and then the kids come second. See we believe that as the head of the family if our relationship is not healthy then our whole family in very unhealthy. Also our relationship is the only good and loving relationship that SS gets to see as his mother dates married men and will not allow her son to meet any of these men for obvious reasons. Actually at one point when SS lived with us full time he came back from a Christmas visit and told us that his mother dates and goes out with many many men and she actually told him that no man was going to tie her down and that she would go out with as many men as she could - he said it so proudly and I told him perhaps it was better if he did not tell that to too many people as it is not really something that he should be proud of with his mother. I will say due to us having our DD - SS could not handle all the attention a newborn gets and as we were getting ready to take his mother to court to actually pay us CS she quickly yanked him back to her state 700 miles away so for me the DD was a WIN WIN.

You many wonder why I am on here if my relationship is so great and in one word BM - see I have no friends who are SM's and are divorced and they were getting sick of me talking about the situation and none of them could understand what I was going through anyway and I had questions and luckily over a year ago stumbled upon this site. My SS graduates next June and then we are done with BM and her antics - my SS has turned into a Mini BM and I told my DH that after he is out from under her thumb and if he does not want to pursue a real relationship with DH and us then that is his loss - BM will not let him tell us ANYTHING about his life so we know nothing. It is quite sad but we understand that SS needs to stay in her good graces to survive because he lives with he full time but we do think next year he will be attending college in our state and then we will see where the relationship goes - but I am a very strict mother and of course his mother "is out all the time with all those men" so hopefully he will never want to come and live with us.

Also your DH does think you are important and special he does not think the BM is only his children are and unfortunately she comes with the package - take it from me because I had those feelings 8 years ago your DH loves you and his kids and if you want children then go for it - believe me these BM's and girlfriends that get pregnant don't even give these topics a second thought so neither should you. I also feel that my DH loves his children the same but there is this daddy/daughter relationship that is incredibly strong and he is happy that he has one child he can spend all his time with (our BM cheated and decided to end the marriage not my DH so he did not have much choice in the matter and I know he loves having DD here all the time)

It made no difference in my home. We have custody of the skids, except SD4, who we split 50/50. I already had two children. DH had 3. The children all adore DD18months. Except, at times,
SD4. I think it's because she lives week on week of with is. Her BM recently lost custody of SDs brother from a previous marriage, so he now lives with his dad out of state full time, making SD the only child that doesn't really live anywhere. I think she is a bit resentful of the attention DD recieves. Also, and this will probably sound cruel: SD4 is homely. All the other girls are lovely and graceful.

It didn't really change my relationship with DH. We were mad for each other before and we are mad for each other now. He does often refer to baby DD as the greatest gift Ive given him...she is a delight for sure.

I think it depends on the dynamic of your relationship now, your perspective now, and your expectations...

For me, having a child didn't solidify our relationship in my mind...I think for him it made him grateful for the opportunity to actually be a father...Something that BM has been fighting him from becoming since he and I got together...

DH and BM were never in a relationship, so he didn't have anything for her so the dynamic there was different. He's never had a "concern" for her (which is another one of her beefs against me...DH did stuff for me and his other girl friends that he never did for BM regardless of her having his child...He carved out how to do for his daughter period and she's always hated that)...His guilt came from the sheer fact that he had to fight and his daughter was withheld from him along with the fact that there was some PAS going on...

So for me having our son gave me the opportunity to watch DH be something that he actually was never ever able to do...Parent...and watch his son grow up and be a part of his development and milestones...

Contrary to popular belief having babies do not make the world and life all good! Clearly the more important question should be if your spouse want more children and YOU need to decide WHY do you want a baby? I am amazed at the number of women on this site that seemingly have babies with their new spouse to prove something to the ex or to prove their babies are better looking and smarter than the crop he shot out with the ex..yada yada yada. I think you should first analyze the problems and issues with the step kids and then decide is bring a new baby going to REALLY truly make those issues go away???
Frankly i think most people have kids for more selfish reasons than one would ever care to admit but just make sure your reasons are valid, not to mention financially feasible. Which bring me to another point, I often read blogs where women complain about their finances especially for those who's spouses are paying a crap load of child support and then they compile more headaches on the relationship by adding another mouth to feed thinking this is some way going to solidify a marriage...well they don't and this site is composed of a lot of us who are dealing with the cruel reality that having a baby does not solidify ones marriage or relationship....we wouldn't be on this site if it did

Good luck with your decision
Whateva

"It is so amazing that just having a baby awards you a man's consideration and respect "

totally disagree and as a woman who don't have kids by choice can attest that having a baby does not earn you a special badge....it is a very easy task actually. If it were so amazing then why aren't a lot of these men still with their wonderful, baby toting ex's??? I frankly find when you are comfortable with yourself and your own life then you don't need a child to gloat about or have endless conversations about. Sure kids can be rewarding in some respects but my guy give me a whole lot of consideration and respect and I think he loves that I don't have children for I am financially independent, we can travel when we want and do spontaneous things that make him love me not to mention the attention we give each other is priceless and not interrupted with kid time,,,,that is until his mini replicas come around. LOL

Wow insane to read so many comments from people who understand!! SD just turned 4, BS is 9months. Ive been with FDH since SD was 18months.

There are times where I feel like 'us' (BS and I) come first and there are other times where I feel like we dont. Financially: BS and I will be in the poor house, as long as CS is paid. I have supported BS' every need by myself. FDH supports SD.
Emotionally: I also feel like we're on the back burner. EOW is centered around SD and making her feel involved and making sure it doesnt look like daddy loves BS more because hes here with him full-time.

I understand the resentment factor, and the value on the name of Mom.. Wow just wow to read someone else say the same thing. Being Mommy was SOOO important to me and having that name was on the top of my list when it came to being a new mom. When SD is here, and even though she knows I am BS' mommy and says 'your mommy is coming' etc.. the value on the name is so much less because for years 'mommy' was BM.

I want so many 'first' and our mom-dad-baby unit to experience things together, and for us to experience things without him comparing BS to SD. 'well SD started this at this age' type of stuff.

Overall I dont know that it brings the family closer. Id say that you feel more like you have an intruder EOW. Someone that comes to steal the spotlight. And then the famous waiting till the skids come to: celebrate holidays, go on outings, do fun activities. I HATE that! BS is not only going to have fun with SD is here! SD has fun when shes not here, and if shes not here on xmas, shes having xmas somewhere else! why would we wait?

Ugh I could go on forever on this. Its a whole other story when you add the kid dynamics. AND if youve ever felt stuck now.. you will definitely feel stuck when you add a new baby. And if youve ever felt second (skid) or third (skid and BM) wait till you slide further down the totem pole.

Ive even heard from my FDH, when I got home from work on a SD weekend. "Ive been dealing with two F***** kids all day long!"

Uh last time I checked, I only have 1... that other one isnt mine, so if shes giving you hell, do something about it.

It made some things better and some worse. Either way its a very very hard thing to navigate. Also, the whole having a kid will get you his consideration and respect??? Uhhhh, Yeah dream on. My SO is a wonderful father to our baby though. I've never had to question his dedication to skids over her. He has admitted to me that I'm the best mother any of his kids have so he is less worried about her. And he does talk favorites which irks me. SD10 became hell after bebe. But, I doing think it solidified all of us as a family because those special times with just me, him, and bebe make me feel the most whole and complete. Sad but its honestly how I feel.

It really depends on the skids, if they are well behaved and get along well with you then it may have no impact but if the skid is already out of control, jealous, little brats who feel no remorse and only care about themselves then I'd think long and hard about this. My two skids are horrible and have been caught abusing my baby before so they aren't even allowed to touch my baby anymore, I'm basically scared shitless when they are around my baby, the one isn't even allowed in my home and the other may not be soon either if he keeps abusing my 4 year old.

It really depends on the skids, if they are well behaved and get along well with you then it may have no impact but if the skid is already out of control, jealous, little brats who feel no remorse and only care about themselves then I'd think long and hard about this. My two skids are horrible and have been caught abusing my baby before so they aren't even allowed to touch my baby anymore, the one isn't even allowed in my home and the other may not be soon either if he keeps abusing my 4 year old.

This is definitely something that I think about all the time as all I've ever wanted was to have my own kids and be a mom. Dh and I from the beginning of our relationship always talked about having kids. In fact, we have already named a boy and a girl and talk about them as if they're real and just not here yet. SS7 even talks about these hypothetical babies. While watching tv one night, he started crying watching a pregnant woman's baby shower. They were real, legitimate tears. He said it was because he really wants a brother or sister.

I worry about all of the concerns raised above and share them with Dh, but he either doesn't get what I'm talking about or he just legitimately doesn't think it'll be a problem. After all of the negative comments, obviously my worries and concerns are warranted. Dh or anyone for that matter is not worth giving up my dream of having kids. I'm going to take this decision very seriously.

When DH & I got married, I wasn't sure if I wanted children of my own and he understood that. He was plenty happy with the 2 he already had and I didn't want to have one, then that was ok. But of course, then my clock started ticking and DH & I talk and thought long and hard about having a child. Our involvement with the skids at that point was almost non-existant - SS was almost 20 and SD never treat DH like he was her father anyway. We had DS and then DD - I watched DH just fall into place with being what I think a dad should be. My SD is no longer a part of our lives so she's never seen the kids and SS comes by maybe 3-4 times a year so he's not involved. I don't think it gave us a better dynamic due to the age difference in our kids. I do see my husband enjoying our 2 more just because he's in a place to better appreciate what being a dad entails. He's older and wiser and he knows that even if something happened between us, I would never use our kids the way BM used her 2.

On a side note - having our 2 did nothing to solidify a relationship with DH's family. My MIL & SIL have never seen our children except in pictures they get from other family members. They both worked with BM to turn SS against DH and we cut them out - then they pissed BM off and she cut them off from the skids so now they have no one.

If you & your DH want to have kids, have them for the right reasons - having a baby doesn't save a marriage in fact it can destroy one. You must also be prepared for your DH to treat the kids differently as you've read many a times on this board.

But don't pass it up if you really want one - I had my kids at 35 & 38 and wouldn't change it for the world!

No matter the situation, the stepfamily dynamic always has its difficulties. Adding a child may give you more of a sense of worth as a part of your family, but it does bring with it some hardships as your family adjusts. We put so much pressure on ourselves as stepparents having children, but the thing we have to remember is that a "normal", "unbroken" family has hardships when a new baby arrives as well. You have to balance the give and take between father and mother, the amoutn of attention given to each child, etc. This is not exclusive to the stepfamily situation!

In my experience so far, with an 8 month son, there have been a lot of hurdles for us to leap. We have skids every other week, DH works retail hours, the combination of factors have led me at times to feel resentful. When the skids are around, I'm left to watch BS and it's like we have two separate things going on in our household: DH playing fun daddy with his kids, and me with BS. This also led to DH thinking I don't spend any time with the skids anymore! Basically we had a good talk about it all and realized that we need to work as a team, not separate units when the skids are here. I told him that if he continues to ignore his child when teh skids are there, our kid is going to eventually get to the age where he starts acting out when they're around, for attention. He completely agreed with me, and since has been working on that.

I will say that emotionally for me, I've had to work through some feelings of my own since having my child. I've grown resentful when I feel that BM and DH are using me as a babysitter for their kids. I've also had to come to terms with how to sort through the fact that I just love my child SO MUCH and although I love the skids, the fact that they are not mine is magnified tenfold since having my own child. You mean I get to make decisions for my child? What is this!?

I think the most important thing, before you have a child, is for you and DH to sit down and discuss your fears -- basically come up with a game plan! We were very concerned about how SS4 would handle the baby. We knew SD6 would be good since she's rather mature for a 6 year old and she is used to having a little brother. We came up with a few things to make sure that SS4 wouldn't feel left out of certain situations, would know what is going on, etc. And he really had very few issues so far with any jealousy of our baby. REcently he is jealous when his sister plays with BS, and he gets rather mean to her then. But I Think that's pretty normal. As long as you are AWARE of the issues that could occur and want to be PROACTIVE, you will be great parents with a solid family as you wish.