Is it worth it? Pondering questions...
Just wondering whether you think all the dysfunction, stress, and drama is worth it.
I'm beginning to think you get one shot to really have a family, never mind a partner -- a first marriage where there are no kids. It seems like there are so many divided loyalties and complexities to blended families that they're nowhere close to being able to provide what a first marriage can.
Lately, I am just wondering if it is worth it and feel that it might not be.
I'm grieving thinking that I've had my one shot at happiness. I'm wondering whether there are really only two choices:
1. Deal with a bunch of blended family hassels, stress, drama, dysfunction, divided loyalties, powerlessness etc. or
2. Stay single alone and never have a real partner.
Maybe it is just my experience with my situation but it seems like a husband can only be a partner up to a point if he has children...this doesn't seem to be a problem for us women who are willing to sacrifice, yield, accomodate. It also seems like SDs cause the most problems in that that male-female relationship is often held higher than the one between SOs or husband/wife.
I feel completely discouraged. Before you tell me to date a single guy, I've got two kids and don't really want to have another child. Most men who don't have kids want a woman who doesn't have kids and I am in my 40s. They want a fresh start! I can't blame them.
I am just wondering where that leaves me as someone who doesn't want to live the rest of my life alone, without a life partner. Makes me feel like I should have just stayed married...my marriage wasn't perfect, but at least we were at the helm, partners. Seems like once you get divorced, you can never have that again.
- AlexandraL's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Honey, there are men out
Honey, there are men out there with kids who can understand that they need to put their wife in the "wife" seat, not the back seat. My DH is one of them. It sounds like he's one of the rare ones, but they do exist. So, I definitely feel like it's worth it. But I will say, if I were in the position of a lot of the women on here, I would not feel that way.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
To me, it is worth it. I
To me, it is worth it. I really love my DH, and most of the time I am pretty happy with my skids, even though they can be a handful at times.
The reality is that my relationship with DH is enough to pull me through the bad times. If I didn't feel that way, it wouldn't work.
My BF knows that I need to
My BF knows that I need to be in the wife seat but knowing something and acting on it/making it happen in real life are two different things.
When I think of the future I feel worried rather than happy and excited.
I'm glad it is possible for things to be good...that makes me have a little hope I guess.
I go through this alot. YOU
I go through this alot. YOU need to decide if its worth it. Is there any therapy in order?
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
My dh has not divided his
My dh has not divided his loyalties. He loves me. He loves his kid. They're two different things with neither trumping the other. There are times I need him more and there are times she needs him more. There are times when he feels torn and he has to follow his heart for THAT moment. What it comes down to is whether a person can be effective in understanding that he / she doesn't have to stop loving their kid just because they love someone who isn't that child's parent. My dh's take on it all is, I am forever. His daughter will grow. She will have loyalties to her mother. She will form a family of her own some day. She will likely disagree with him along the way. Trying to accommodate her and fill her every dream won't change that. He does right by her and he loves her, but he is not foolish enough to let her control his time / love for me.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.
Yes. I started seeing
Yes. I started seeing someone in the summer but recently started seeing someone else who is really helpful and insightful; the other person was not giving me any new perspectives on things or telling me anything I didn't already know.
We saw a couples' counselor all fall. We have talked about going back -- I am not sure whether I need to figure out if this is all worth it before we go back though.
How do you reconcile these types of feelings Pantera?
I can reconcile when I see
I can reconcile when I see that my DH is trying. If he wasn't trying, I don't think I could stay and it did get to that point that I was going to leave.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
Pantera, my Bf is trying but
Pantera, my Bf is trying but I am never around the two of them together anymore, so I don't really know if he has changed.
Let me ask you...if SKs and BM are still inserting a bunch of drama into your life is it easier to handle just by the fact that the DH/BF/SO actively works to protect the marriage/relationship by saying no to things, creating a new life for you (which is not to say this new life excludes the SK/SKs) that includes his child/children but is not centered on the child, one that is marriage-focused rather than child-focused?
Alex - your bf can not
Alex - your bf can not change until he stops thinking he is betraying his kid.
And yes, even if BM and skids are a royal pain in your ass and out to cause drama, a marriage can be just fine if your dh / so focuses on your marriage and lets bm and skids know that their drama is going to change anything.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.
You're right soverysad. I
You're right soverysad. I think he's getting there. Some days I wonder though. Yeah, I am not really looking for SD and BM to change as much as I am looking for BF to change his reactions/actions. I think it would go a long way in making me feel like a partner.
I will say it is possible to
I will say it is possible to get there. For the first year, my dh catered his entire life (and therefore, mine) around Creature. If she was there (he had Wed from 10am to Thurs 10am) he wouldn't work. He would play with her all day long and then complain that he was too busy with work to do things with me. HELL NO! It took quite a bit of time for me to make him realize he was causing her more harm than good by letting her think the entire world worked around her. It didn't fully sink in until one day we had to be somewhere and had to leave the house by 8am. Of course, they weren't ready by 8am because he let her dictate the morning schedule, which meant she got up and played and then decided on breakfast and then played and then was ok with getting dressed. I left without them. His argument was that he tried to move her along and my retort was "Don't blame her. You can't let her dictate your life everyday when you aren't in a hurry and then expect her to understand when you change the rules one day". For some reason that hit home. Sometimes it is a matter of finding the right circumstance to really drive the point home. And he needs to be prepared for the push back. If he's been catering to SD for a long while, she won't like the change. He needs to expect this and deal with it appropriately. Even saying "Look, I know this is different than what you're used to. I still love, but I was wrong in letting you control so much of an adult life and I need to fix that so you can grow to be responsible". It is ok to admit to a child that you were wrong.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.
How long have you been
How long have you been married soverysad? We've been together about two and a half years and the first year and a half was about SD. He's getting better but she lives in two households that revolve around HER -- she's the center, and it makes it hard. All the adults in her life treat her like the center, except for me -- my kids aren't the center of my little single mom family.
The real problem is he's been trying to keep up with BM who has an unnaturally close (symbiotic) relationship with SD. He's afraid SD will feel hurt if he "flips a switch" with her and so he's opted for "slow and steady" (but how long does that take?). He's also worried she will not want to be with him half time, and if she doesn't want to, he won't force her to (also ridiculous. My exH and I decide on what happens with the kids re visitation, not the kids).
I have found situations to explain myself and there were two really good ones in the past few weeks and he actually saw them on his own.
Idk, maybe I just think too much. I just need to see results, to see my BF differently in order to feel differently about our future, to feel good. I am so stuck and have been stuck for about a year now...I'm not sure how much longer I can go on living in limbo.
We've been married for a
We've been married for a year, but together for 4 (took three years to get Wingnut to settle the damn divorce).
Wingnut has the same symbiotic relationship with Creature. It is creepy. We've learned we can't compete. I will say this. We have Creature 50% of the time. Our home is very different than her mother's home. We don't cater to her. Our world does not revolve around her. Up until I put my foot down, she was exactly the same. Every single adult who came into contact with her thought she was the cat's meow and doted all over her. She doesn't like me much. That is fine. I don't like her much either. I think your bf is making a mistake by trying to keep up with her mother. How old is she? She doesn't get to choose to not see bf and he should not give her this kind of power. I know he thinks he'd be forcing her but it is his JOB as a parent to sometimes make her do things she doesn't like. That is how people grow. Plus, it is irresponsible and CRUEL to give her that responsibility to choose whether or not to see him. I vote for flipping the switch and being firm, honest and fair about it.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.
To me, it seems like a
To me, it seems like a marriage can really only work if it is your first marriage or if it is your second marriage and there are no kids born from the first marriage.
It seems like women tend to have room and enough flexibility to let a man enter the separate bubble they've created with their children over years of being a single mom in order to have a "family" but the men just don't seem to be able to do it...at least not the men I've been with. It's like if they break free from the bubble THEY've been in with their kid (esp. an only child) that somehow they're betraying their child...at least that is what my BF said.
Oh damn, I don't think I can
Oh damn, I don't think I can do it a second time, never mind a third time, lol.
Maybe I should just start hoarding cats and guzzling cheap wine now...lol.
You never know... DH is my
You never know... DH is my 3rd husband and I'm his 3rd wife and we're going 10 years strong this year.
I think the 3rd time really is the charm after all.
Im in, when you find yours,
Im in, when you find yours, introduce me to his brother, lol!!!
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
That's great Wicked -- I'm
That's great Wicked -- I'm smiling.
I just can't imagine going through another divorce, which is why I am terrified of getting remarried...wasn't scared though until I got a dose of realiy with SD and BM...
It just seems like a lot to
It just seems like a lot to remove yourself from a huge aspect of your partner's life. I understand though because I've shut down...I try not to encourage certain trigger conversations and do not really engage in them. This just seems like WAY more work than my first marriage! Jeeze. Reading stuff on here makes me wonder if there is ever any end to it.
You know, my problem isn't with nasty comments, and rude behavior, although it happens...it is feeling like we're having a relationship/life that is focused on SD rather than us. How can you have a relationship where you live for a kid?