not-really-my-thing's Blog
For the record, I am NOT here to gather intel for an article I'm writing.
I'm beginning to think few people here actually read the blogs, they just scan the titles and spew. Many of you have made a point of speculating or assuming that I am somehow using this place and all of you for something I'm writing.
To be clear: I am a writer by profession.
To be clear: I am not writing professionally, nor will I ever write professionally, on stepparenting. It's far outside my scope and expertise.
"Pre-emptive disengagement" - a reasonable way to begin?
I've spent quite some time over the past several days educating myself about disengagement. The most informative accounts are not from psychology articles or e-books on stepparenting or websites on blended families: they're here. Your personal stories of why you chose to disengage, how you maintained disengagement, and who exactly benefits from disengagement have been very eye-opening. Reading all this makes me realize that without having a term for it, I have been disengaged from the start. Call it "pre-emptive disengagement."
One last question for you, just to complete the fireworks show.
I have been duly admonished by some, given etiquette lessons by others, and encouraged to stay by a few. It's all been very interesting. At the very least, I hope those who have commented have gotten something out of it. I had a professor in grad school who used to ask the most pointed, uncomfortable questions. He often made people angry, but I always appreciated how he inspired slash forced his students to get very clear in their thinking.
Why does a newcomer arrive and make the mistake of asking questions that offend?
I can't answer that question except to say that I'm genuinely looking for answers and it wasn't my intention to upset anyone. Forgive me. Perhaps there's another place for me, a better fit for the kind of conversation I'm looking for. I wish you all the best, truly. Thank you for your insight.
Why do so many of you attempt to control the way your husband deals with the mother of his children?
I realize that I risk offending many of you by asking this question. I don't intend to belittle or mock how difficult your situations are. I haven't been here long, but so many posts I've read are about how much you hate the mother of your husband's children. It seems to me you spend a lot of time thinking about her. I wonder if things would be simpler if you left her to your husband? In cases where she's an addict or violent or financially ruinous of course you may need to be involved but if she's just a pain in the ass why should she be a pain in your ass? Let your husband deal with her.
Why do so many of you insist on stepping into a role that's already occupied?
As 'hereiam' pointed out, the word "stepparent" is definitely outtdated. It's a middle english term for when one parent dies and another adult steps in. Cinderella et all never had a stepmother and a mother. They had one wicked stepmother. Mothers all dead and gone. That's not the situation most of us find ourselves in. So what does that make us in relation to the children? Their father's wives, as best I can tell.
I have no idea what being a stepmother means. But perhaps I can be the "cool aunt."
What does "stepmother" mean anyway? A step down? A step up? Someone who steps in? Someone to step on? I have no idea.
Not sure if it's the best way, but it's my way.
I'm new to this site and new to blogging and frankly I find the whole process of opening up my private life to strangers rather odd. But it's an experiment. We'll see how it works for me. I'm quite happy with my husband. I'm not made miserable by his former wife. I don't hate my stepdaughter. So why am I here? I don't really know. But here goes. I'm a writer and I haven't written about this particular facet of my life, so let's see if I enjoy doing it here.
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New to this and not really sure why I'm here.
Let's see. I'm in my forties, recently married to a man with a nine-year-old daughter. Notice I don't identify myself as stepmother. In fact I don't particularly refer to her as my stepdaughter. Not yet anyway. Who knows. She's an alright child as children go. We're "friendly strangers" as someone put it on the forum earlier today. That feels accurate and that's okay by me. I don't relish the idea of being a full-time stepparent or parent. I run a successful business, I love my husband, we have a good life.
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