New relationship
I've started dating this wonderful guy, we've been together for 6 months and talking about moving in together. He has two boys 16, 8 and I have a 5 year old. We've met each others kids and the youngest boys are great together. However the 16 year old wants absolutely nothing to do with me or my son. His dad caters to him and is saying he's giving him time. We talked about talking to him since we are trying to move in together but has yet to even bring it up to the 16 year old. If we go out for the weekend, he will invite him but he won't want to go. Once we get back my boyfriend will feel guilty and take him out to make it up to him. Am I crazy for thinking he's rewarding him? How is he ever going to try to get to know me if he's getting what he wants? He has his dad eating from his palm? My dilemma is, should I continue to wait and put my life on hold? I don't see any changes since we've dated. I think 6 months is a good amount of time to at least get used to the idea that dad has finally found someone. I don't want to be incentive to anyones feelings but I'm not getting any younger, and I have a son in this situation as well.
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A very WYSIWYG situation. You
A very WYSIWYG situation. You have a perfect view of how life will be with this kid. Daddy feels guilty? I'm pretty horrified that daddy thinks it's appropriate to invite a teen on dates with you (WTF?) and even more so that he feels he has to make up to his son for going on a date with his girlfriend!
We've seen the "just giving them time" excuse countless times on here. All it means is "I'm going to do nothing and hope the situation magically gets better".
If you move in with this guy, his son is going to rule the roost. He already does. He's not going to launch because he has it too good at daddy's place so why would he ever want to leave? Is this guy really worth the kind of grief you are going to go through if you decide to live with him? He would really need to show he can put you first. Hint - words don't count, only actions do and he needs to keep it up for at least 6 months.
I'd worry a lot less about the kid getting to know you as the kid calling all the shots...
Thank you! I should've
Thank you! I should've clarified, he invited his 16 year old to our weekend trips with the other two boys. We've done LA trips, and just overall things that we can all enjoy and the son refused to do anything if my son and I are involved. He didn't even want to show up to his dad bday dinner. I'm thinking how will this ever get better?
6 months is actually a pretty
6 months is actually a pretty short amount of time to be dating. It's not just about the kids getting used to their parent's new partner.. it's you getting to know each other.. how you parent.. and all sorts of other dynamics. At just 6 months, it's just difficult to really know a person fully.. and in steplife.. rushing into things is often a number one cause of problems.. and in itself.. rushing to blend your kids and home after dating less than a year.. is kind of a red flag.
You already see problems with his son.. and your BF's inability to directly deal and in fact potentially make the problem worse is a clear sign that moving together now would probably be a mistake.
What would be the harm in seeing things go a little further out? perhaps when his son will be out of the house after HS? That might avoid a lot of the conflict you could be seeing. Right now, you have a very young son.. and he doesn't deserve to be thrown into a home with a surly teen that resents his presence. And.. I would have fairly low expectations of a 16 year old being interested in a 5 year old anyway.. what could they possibly have in common?
You don't mention any contact with his EX or yours.. what kind of visitation the other parents have, if any. You don't mention anything about his son.. is he otherwise a behavior problem? Does he do well in school? Any mental health issues.. any problem behaviors? (aside from not being overjoyed that his dad is dating).
His son is likely a year or two from being out of HS.. it makes a lot more sense to give your relationship more time to develop.. to get to know his son..to watch your BF parent his son.. and see how he insists or does not insist on respectful behavior by his son..
His son is a good kid
His son is a good kid academically, he had a horrible attitude with everyone. They just say "oh that's just how he is" I'm wondering why that behavior has been okay? I won't be okay with a 16 year old giving anyone attitude just because he can.
moving in won't happen now, we are talking about how we see our future together, is we have not potential then why stay? But we do, what I'm asking for is for the conversation to be had with his son so he can know what's going on. If we do decide to move in, whenever that is, I wouldn't want to have him bombarded with this news. I also want my BF to kinda start making an effort to let his son understand that we are important enough. Or are we? I think if we don't even see one another then how will he ever get used to us. If I go over, his son will never come out of his room. I mean ever, it makes it weird.
You BF needs to pull his head
You BF needs to pull his head out of the sand. Of course, he should expect some level of civility from his son. The fact that he doesn't is a red flag. I mean, sure, I get that a 16 yo likely doesn't want to hang out with you and his dad.. it is likely a bit awkward for him to know how to feel about his dad dating... but it's not for his dad to completely coddle him through it.. but have real "man to man" discussions with his son.. To set some level of expectation that if you are over for a "family dinner" that his son will be present.. and pleasant. period.dot. No, of course he shouldn't be tagging along on your dates.. but if you go places as a family.. he should be able to join you all occasionally (again, I get that a 16 yo will have very different interests from grade school kids or his parents)
And.. if it really is that his kid is distant with everyone?? then it's not necessarily going to endear him to you..if his dad tries to really force a connection.. Of course, his dad needs to insist on civil behavior.. and no rudeness.. but it's also up to his son to an extent whether he really wants a close relationship with you..or whether he will just view you as "dad's GF/Wife".
His mom could also be influencing him right? (is she around?).
But, the fact that your BF won't talk to his son about his dating you etc.. is a big red flag.. he needs to be more direct about it all.. his son is old enough to have real conversations.
Thank you sooooo much! This
Thank you sooooo much! This helped
You said "I'm not getting any
You said "I'm not getting any younger." You said it because you seem to think you should go ahead and settle for this poop sandwich because you might not get another chance at a poop sandwich.
But let me turn it around for you. You're NOT getting any younger so you have precious little time to waste on a poop sandwich = a daddy who is ruled by his 16 year old son.
Isn't your precious time better spent on finding a tasty sandwich?
This!
You are one of the lucky ones....you get to see the dysfunction BEFORE you commit. Will it change? Just via data on this board, I'd say that's a hard no. Or if your SO does change, it will be years of hell from a 16 year old who will see YOU as the reason dear old dad quit enabling his shitty behaviors. As ESMOD said, 6 months is early in dating and in my humble opinion, way too soon to be co-habitating. Even more too soon with the 16 year old's antics. Remember, there are two younger kids who will be "impacted" by the 16 year old.
I strongly suggest you put off moving in with this guy and begin some counseling. His inability to parent his 16 year old will flow to his other son and then you will be raising your son with opposing parenting expectations....to which it may cause issues with your kid. Yep. Everyone needs to get to a counselor who has experience in the high conflict step world.
As for getting any younger, I often think of my own life....12 years of hell by DHs adult kids that only ended when I ended it. 2018 was the year and I have not seen/spoken to any of them since. I love my DH but it's been one hell of a journey and I can tell you this...should something happen to my DH, I'll never re-couple. My peace is way more important than having a mate.
I'm not sure others share
I'm not sure others share this opinion, but I think six months of dating isn't very much and, for many, it's way too soon to move in together when there are kids involved. Is there a reason (financial, leases coming to an end, etc.) that the two of you need to move in together? If not, why not continue to get to know each other and each other's children longer before taking that step? Especially if you're not wild about the way he parents and think he coddles his older son and allows him to rule the roost. Better to find that out now, when you have your own place and can disentangle yourself easily, than later, after you presumably have some joint obligations and you've uprooted your son. If you were 75, I might agree that "you're not getting any younger" would be a good reason to rush moving in together. Otherwise, I think you're using an artificial timetable to guide your decision.
I think one thing that got
I think one thing that got lost in translation is the fact that we aren't moving in at 6 months. We are talking about our future and 6 months into the relationship nothing has changed with his son. I think all I need is to feel that he is protecting his son from me? I've asked and he's said absolutely not. So my question is... how is he ever doing to get used to the idea or accept us if his dad is rewarded him for his behavior. I'm not saying his son needs to love me or even like me: he doesn't know me to even make an informed decision. At this point I'm asking the minimum and that is to at least show me respect. I can't go over without feeling awkward. I don't want to invade his son space but at the same time if we are going to be serious where do we come in? I didn't keep him away from my son.
There are two separate issues
There are two separate issues here that each need to be handled differently.
First, your BF's son doesn't ever have to like you or your son. He doesn't have to have a relationship with you. If Dad is okay with it, he can decline to visit or go on trips if you're around. There are a multitude of reasons why this may be happening. Could be that your BF or his ex have rotated people in and out over the years so the kid doesn't want to get close to anyone. Could be that the kid doesn't even like his own family and is just waiting until 18 to cut them off. Could be that he's just a rude 16 year old. Could be that he doesn't value step relationships and just doesn't want to be involved.
That is 100% his prerogative, and he 100% can stay distant from you all. Here is where issue #2 comes in: your BF is doing a very poor job of teaching his son how to civilly disagree with a situation and accept the consequences for his choices. If BF's son doesn't want to be involved, that's fine, but another trip just for him shouldn't be planned. He shouldn't be allowed to speak poorly about you or your son. He should be made to at least say hello and goodbye if he is around you all. His father is enabling rude behavior out of guilt. That's bad parenting, and it's only going to teach his son that being rude is fine and he shouldn't expect any consequences from those actions.
Now, your BF should also be splitting his time between you and his kids. That means that not every weekend or trip should involve you and your son. I've been doing this for nearly a decade now, and there are plenty of times still where DH and the kids do things without me. Heck, I still go out with my mom without my SF and I'm in my mid-30s. So, while your BF shouldn't reward his eldest with different trips, he should still be setting aside time for just his kids (and same with your son - which if you have your son most days and your BF only has his sons on weekends may mean you'll get a lot more one-on-one time with your kid than he does his).
It's hard navigating a new, serious relationship when kids are involved. I agree with others than six months is still very "new". Punping the brakes for another six months and then talking about living together isn't a bad idea. Waiting until the oldest is in college in 2 years is also not a bad idea. People wait to move in together for a variety of reasons, so I don't think you should throw in the towel due to waiting. But, if what you see from your BF's parenting (or lack thereof) toward his kids being detrimental and not producing results you can live with, THAT could be reason enough to throw in the towel. Poorly parented kids can become uncouth and rude adults. If your BF isn't doing his best to curb that, reconsider the relationship.
I wanted to respond
I wanted to respond
think one thing that got lost in translation is the fact that we aren't moving in at 6 months. We are talking about our future and 6 months into the relationship nothing has changed with his son. I think all I need is to feel that he is protecting his son from me? I've asked and he's said absolutely not. So my question is... how is he ever doing to get used to the idea or accept us if his dad is rewarded him for his behavior. I'm not saying his son needs to love me or even like me: he doesn't know me to even make an informed decision. At this point I'm asking the minimum and that is to at least show me respect. I can't go over without feeling awkward. I don't want to invade his son space but at the same time if we are going to be serious where do we come in? I didn't keep him away from my son.
Sounds like you two aren't
Sounds like you two aren't compatible. But keep in mind, too, that your son has less of a choice who he is around and introduced to than your BF's son. At 16, your BF has little control over whether his son wants to interact with you, develop a relationship with you, or even tolerate you. Yes, making sure he is respectful and civil is a must, but to some degree, his son is being those things by just avoiding you and not interacting with you.
His son never has to accept you or your son. He never has to see you as family. He never has to entertain that you are anything more than people in his dad's life. That's an entirely valid approach to steplife. Being overtly rude to you is a problem, but not wanting to spend time with you isn't. If his dad wants to "reward" him with special trips, then that is an issue you have with his dad, not him.
You can still have a serious relationship with your BF without having a relationship with his son. It's called disengagement. I highly recommend reading up on it, especially with older and adult stepkids. You might find some peace in recognizing that you don't have to go full Brady Bunch to still have a healthy family dynamic.
I'm glad Lt. brought up your son.
Please prioritize his peace and stability above everything else. Approach this relationship in terms of whether these people should be allowed into HIS life, and you'll all be better off for it.
Read read and more reading on here
Please scour the blogs and forums here. I know you are looking for advice on a specific item, but this will help you with that as well.
My take on it is that 6 months in, if this situation is bothering you now, during the honeymoon phase, that it will not improve and may get worse. Reading on here will help you with the entire situation, not just the one item you are asking for.
I hate to hear when the
I hate to hear when the excuse " that's just how he is" is used. That's just a cop out for parenting. For whatever reason, this teen thinks it's ok to disrespect another human. The fact you are dating his dad and it's allowed is disturbing. Would he allow that level of disrespect to a school teacher? Coach? Other adult? No, just no. It's perfectly ok to expect to be treated cordiallly and politely by this teen and it's his father's responsibility as a parent to see to that it happens. Will you be friends, probably not but what's going on now is a recipe for major drama? Slow your roll and watch more. Parenting is a reflection of character and values. I never tolerated disrespect from my bios toward their step parents. They caught holy hell from me for that. I respected my partner way to much to let that fly. I also knew that my ex's wife didn't deserve any disrespect either ( unless she earned it which she never did) Men have an easier go in the step parent arena, but again if your boyfriend lays the law down about your treatment, you might not suffer as some of around here have. You are not to be set aside for poor treatment because you are dating dad. No, just the opposite.
Run!
Avoid a nightmare, RUN!