How do you deal with travel ball schedules?
My youngest SK is going to be on a travel ball team this spring. DH will pretty much be gone all weekend. I do not...I repeat.....I DO NOT want to be responsible for my teen SK!! His mom leaves him home when she takes youngest (which is fine! He's old enough) which means he will probably stay home here and I really do not want to feel obligated to him. He is very VERY needy and expects to be waited on hand and foot and I'm not going to do it but that means also putting up with his attitude. I'm really not sure what to do! Should I tell DH he needs to take him?
Second question: while I'm fully supportive of DH going to these tournaments on his weekends, do you feel he's obligated to go on HCBM's weekends as well?? We have very busy lives and really only get to spend time together on weekends and already 2 weekends a month he will be gone at these tournaments. I'm feeling a little bad about wanting him to stay home instead of spending the only free time we have alone together at tournaments. Yes, I can go sometimes but on my free weekends without kids, the last thing I want to do is go spend the entire weekend with kids that aren't mind doing something I find more boring then paint drying! Lol!!! Will I go sometimes to support SK?? Absolutely!!! But no way am I going all weekend every weekend. Just... NO!!
Do you think it's bad that dad only go on his weekends or maybe a Saturday morning game on his off weekends we can both go?? What do you think??
If he's not there HCBM will claim he doesn't support SS but does supporting him mean he has to be at every single game? Thoughts?
If you do not go with DH on
If you do not go with DH on the travel ball weekends, he takes both Skids with him. Tick that box.
If you do go, plan the trip, pick the plush resort hotel at the tournament location and stay at the resort spa while DH goes and watches the kids play. Upon occasion pop over to the tournament if SK is in the finals but don't sit there all day with the spawn worshipping breeder brigade.
Make dinner reservations at the best restaurant in town for just you and DH.
Follow the pamper yourself travel ball model every time if it is on BM's weekends. The Skids can stay with BM at the Motel 6 and you and DH have a nice romantic weekend at the resort hotel ticking the foodie restaurants off of the list.
You might as well make it fun and enjoyable for yourself and leverage it as bonding time with DH.
Have fun!
I have a divorced friend who
I have a divorced friend who has a good co-parenting relationship - she and her ex take turns with the weekend events. Unless it's something really significant, BM and DH don't both need to be there. And he needs to take the other skid when he goes.
Travel sports are ridiculous. They expect parents to revolve their entire lives around their kids' sports. Don't do it, it's not healthy for anyone.
HCBM will be at every single
HCBM will be at every single game. She has no life outside of the kids so she shows up for absolutely everything. DH took them to the dentist and only one parent was allowed in at a time and it was during his parenting time so she drove there and sat in the parking lot and told them "mommy is right outside" again tween/teen age! Wtf?? At their basketball games only one parent could be there so DH took them on his time and sfe woykd SNEAK IN and hide behind the poles. She has serious mental issues. She is so desperately obsessed with these kids it's so unhealthy!
Yes, BM here went to all
Yes, BM here went to all games and practices - at least while they were in court. It was part of her MOTY routine. Your DH doesn't have to follow suit.
Is this travel ball where the
Is this travel ball where the kids travel long distances, stay in hotels and are gone the whole weekend, or travel ball where they travel to towns in the general vicinity and are gone for a few hours each game day and then back home for the rest of the time? Is it both Saturday and Sunday?
If it's the entire weekend, every weekend, I'd put my foot down and tell DH that he can't be gone all weekend, every weekend for an entire sports season. That's not fair to you, and your DH needs to understand that YSS isn't the only one in the family. YSS also needs to understand that it's not reasonable to expect his father to give up all of his free time every weekend for his activity.
If the older SS is so needy that you don't even want to be alone with him, then he shouldn't be left by DH all the time, either. As for whether the older skid stays with you, I'm sure he doesn't want to spend his weekends watching his brother play any more than you would want to do that. In fact, probably a lot less. Could he stay at BM's house? Go to a friend's? How old is this kid that you would feel responsibility for him if he was left at home?
When I was doing sports, one or the other of my parents (intact family) would come to my events. Rarely did they both come. I never felt unloved by the parent who wasn't there, nor did I think that parent wasn't supportive. My skids don't do any intensive travel activities, but they do some rec league stuff that only lasts an hour or two. Sometimes both DH and BM show up, sometimes only the parent whose time it is does. The skids do not care as long as one parent is there. In fact, they're just as happy to call the other parent afterwards and tell them all about it. They like "reliving their glory," as I call it. Of course, we don't have a high conflict parent telling skids that the other parent doesn't love them or isn't supportive. I think there are many ways your husband can show his kid that he IS supportive, even if he's not at every game.
Both. They have a couple out
Both. They have a couple out of town tournaments but mostly in town. Although they are sometimes an hour away and they have two tournaments a day usually both days so they are gone at least 8/9 hours on both days if not longer between travel time, warm ups, break between games and travel back.
yeah SS's are over the top ridiculously entitled. They expect everyone to bow at their every whim so when I'm here with my kids, I want to enjoy my time with them rather then listen to him huffing all day and complaining that the world doesn't revolve around him. It's pathetic!
that's the problem. She instills in them that if dad have there then he's putting his "other family" before them and that he's wrong for that.
I've never felt obligated to
I've never felt obligated to go to any of my kids' extracurriculars. I do, though, most of the time when i can, because i enjoy it and the kids enjoy having me there (usually.) When i was a kid my parents went to some, but not all of my performances or games.
I think extracurriculars are for fun, exercise, and enrichment, but are "extra". I can't believe courts and judges get involved. Your husband should go if he wants but not stick you with babysitting his PITA older kid. That is the point where he and SS's fun becomes your extra work.
These travel teams are
These travel teams are ridiculous. It's not like the kids are in the major leagues of any sport. I grew up training and showing horses. By age 12 I didn't expect my parents to be at every show. One or two a season was fine.
It's obnoxious!!! Travel
It's obnoxious!!! Travel teams are completely ridiculous and nonsense in my opinion. DH hates them to in all honestly but HCBM insists on keeping up with the Jones's. It's all for show.
I think you should let your
I think you should let your DH make his own decision as to whether he wants to attend every game. Since most are "in town" or within an hour.. he can choose to spend his day attending. You can choose to go.. or stay at the house.
As to the needy teen? I think that kid would come to the reality that you are not his servant. I would flat out refuse to wait on him..
"you are old enough to make yourself a snack..and clean up after yourself" "No, i'm not driving you to X.. next time ask your dad to take you on his way to the game... Bored? Maybe you should go with your dad and little brother to the game?"
I don't think I would outright refuse to let the older one stay home unless I couldn't feel comfortable leaving them at home alone otherwise. If the kid can't be home alone.. he goes with dad.
Oh I respect DH's time with
Oh I respect DH's time with his kids and if he wanted to go I would fully support him! Yeah he knows I'm not playing his games but if my kids and I want to go do something I don't want to feel obligated to ask him to go or I don't feel like arguing all weekend why it's not my job to cook him lunch/do his laundry/clean his dishes ect...
Most of the parents have fun when the kids travel
They get a hotel with a bar, bring drinks, have BBQ in the parking lot. Used the pool go to restaurant to eat ect. I think the parents have a better time then the kids.
Uou will get friendly with the other parents BM is going to be a problem, I would not want to spend my weekends with BM.
We can't afford it. HCBM
We can't afford it. HCBM comes from a very wealthy family. She was very entitled growing up and expects the same for her kids and expects DH to fund 100% of everything because he had children with her and it's "his duty" even though she makes 6 figures and lives in a 600,000 house. When I tell you she and the kids are obnoxiously entitled, privileged brats I'm not kidding. It's absolutely gross. They are repulsive and expect everything and if DH can't swing it? They all treat him like the devil. She will say "so you don't think our kids deserve the best?" and gaslight him (he knows better now, he was abused severely by her and still in therapy for that but people don't take abuse by women seriously so she gets away with a lot. It's awful.
When he is able to not care
When he is able to not care about the emotional blackmail anymore, only then will he be able to tell them No. You need to do what's right for you. He should use the time with the boys to bond.
We are under a microscope
We are under a microscope right now with court coming up so this is why we are like this. We are concerned over our every move because she makes literally everything seem like it's the worst thing in the world.
Ughh travel ball
Dh and I went through this several Years with MSS. He was in three teams at one time playing 5-6 days a week. DH worked Weekends and missed several games For work. BM used this as a weapon to get MSS PAS'd from DH. DH oils get horrible texts from MSS when he missed games.
I refused to go at all because I didn't want to be within swinging distance of BM. She was making our lives hell. Yss hated going to the games also and DH/BM tried to pawn him off on me while they attended the games. I had to put my foot down abs refuse to watch him. Of course that gave BM ammo To turn the SS's against me.
Didn't care...I wasn't the nanny.
Now DH has no relationship with his two adult sons but has a great relationship with the youngest.
Fact is, Parents can't always be at every event. It doesn't make you a bad parent if You try your best.
If DH is unable to take SK to
If DH is unable to take SK to the tournament, then SK does not come over that weekend. Period.
If it is BMs week to take them to the tournament, there is no reason for DH to go. Each parent should go on their time only. How ridiculous it would be of SK and/or BM to expect that of DH? He also has a family, and they need to realize that.
They don't realize that. She
They don't realize that. She says he's selfish for getting remarried and that their kids should always be the top priority. She's at literally everything! She will even sit in the parking lot of the doctor office when DH takes them (only one parent at a time right now because of Covid) and she sneaks into games and hides behind poles (again only one parent rule right now because of Covid) her relationship with the kids is literally creepy. She's obsessed with them and they are obsessed with her. She says she won't even date because that's so selfish and all she needs is her kids and they need to know nothing comes before them. She tells the kids that DH put us first by getting remarried and they shouldn't have to "share him" she's a sicko.
It Matters
As a kid who had little support from parents growing up and hardly ever in the stands he should go, it matters.
As a parent, it sucks, is an inconvience, but I go. I didn't attend my son who is 7 yrs old football because it interfered with my work but his dad was able to go because he was off for Covid and I felt terrible but I was too new to my new job to be requesting time off as I was in a probationary period. I made it through as Dad was there and it was okay.
Kids don't care whos weekend it is - they care whos face they are seeing when they are looking in the stands.
Ex: My son wrestles, practices fall on my days, so it's been a me and him thing. His first tournament was a few weekends ago and he was at his dads. I sent all of his stuff when he went to his dads. Drove up there, he was on the mat warming up with his friends. I kept trying to catch his attention but failed.. kept my eyes on him so when he did notice me I would be able to wave. Meet started and they all sat down as a group along the mats, he turned aroundand kept going through the stands. Our eyes met and he got the biggest smile on his face. He then turned around and focused on the matches and no longer searched the stands. Best feeling ever.
It Matters