Life Skills for 8 yo
What is your 8 year old capable of doing on their own? My SD has a shorter list of what she IS capable of doing independently than what she can't.
Ive been working with her to get her to do basic life skills by herself... opening the car, buckling her seatbelt, holding her own backpack, brushing her teeth without being told, washing her hands without being told, getting her own shower ready, brushing her own hair, cutting her own food, cleaning up after herself. Is this normal? Because I can only compare my niece who could do all this on her own years ago!
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Does biodad or the BM
coddle her? Infantilize her? If so then a lot of kids will go with the flow and enjoy being waited on hand and foot. The parents (not SM) should be teaching life skills, not getting emotional gratification by doing EVERYTHING for their child.
So no, it is not normal to keep a child hobbled by never teaching that child important life skills.
I think your earlier post
explains everything. As a SM, you cannot care more than the biological parents. 99% of the time it will not end well when SM is the ONLY role model and authority figure.
Agree, I know I shouldn't
Agree, I know I shouldn't care more than her parents. I often feel like I do though. What's so weird, is that her mom will dump her off whenever she can so she can go party (not sure why 30 something year olds still haven't grown out of the "living for the weekend" thing) but anyways, to me it seems like a lot more work to be doing every little thing for a kid. Why not teach them so you don't have to? I'm just concerned my 1 year old will be doing so much more than her in just a few years..
I did all that you are doing
I did all that you are doing too. And it crashed and burned because I was too strict (because brushing teeth takes too long, showering every other day isn't necessary, leaving rotting food in a bedroom is a-ok and a good habit to have, and so on).
You'll have to stop. All of them will turn on you eventually. If your bf is complaining it's too hard then stop.
It's hard to watch, but don't help. Do not offer to carry anything if your bf has her backpack and no free hands while she wanders off with nothing. He and BM coordinate and pay from dental, not a cent from you. She smells? Politely change seats.
My SDs were 8 and 10 with this issue of non-parenting. I cannot as I am not a parent. It got a little better but not much over time. Disengage.
Me too
i was called "mean" because I wanted YSS to do his homework first before playing vid games.
That was 11 years ago. Today YSS is 17.5 yrs old, going into grade 12 and reads at a 4th grade level. Same for Math.
I want to disengage so badly
I want to disengage so badly but it negatively impacts me and my children (1 current and 1 future). I taught my step to open the car door and buckle her own seatbelt at age 7 while I was pregnant with my first and pushed my SO to as well because soon we'd have our hands full with baby and baby stuff. Now we have another on the way so when my SO is doing things for her that she should be fully capable of doing, it takes away from my children as well. My baby fell off the bed and hit her face hard because he couldn't handle watching the baby and his 8 year old needed attention. So frustrating! I know this is a HIM problem and not my steps fault so I do try to remember that always but she definitely needs some guidance.
To answer your question, my
To answer your question, my SD who is 7 does all of the things you've mentioned except get her own shower ready. She does need reminders to clean up after herself - she's perfectly capable but sometimes chooses not to.
I do push the skids to do age appropriate things, but so do both of their parents. I don't know what I'd do if DH coddled his kids - that wouldn't sit well with me.
I get kids need reminders! I
I get kids need reminders! I get they are human!!! Honestly we've all had days where we didn't want to shower or brush our teeth (gross I know but you know the baby exhaustion right) but I just mean some normal life skills! It's crazy to me that she is sooooooo helpless!!!!
I tried
My SS will be 10 next week and still has to be told to wash his hands before touching food, or after going to the bathroom, or flushing the toilet. Just Laziness! And forget about brushing his teeth. DH is a clean freak with OCD so I am sure this eats away at him. I stopped nagging about any of it. if he doesn't brush his teeth aftert being asked once I don't ask again. And I have forbid him from touching any food without first asking. I'm not using bread that was handled by dirty little fingers. Oh and he doesn't know how to close a refrigerator door, over the weeken we have food spoil becasue he cae down for a dring and never shut the door.
So the just I'm getting from
So the just I'm getting from responses is to DISENGAGE! I want to so badly but am worried it will greatly negatively impact us in the future! Her education is a non factor to either of her parents it seems, which coming from a daughter of a teacher and future teacher myself, bothers me sooo badly! I read Junnie B Jones books with my mom every night in 2nd grade, my step is going into 3rd and struggles with picture books. I worked in a K classroom as a Paraeducator and I'd say she is the level of a kindergartner. She struggled with drawing a tree the other week and then I tried to use easy shapes to describe how to draw one and ended up having to do one for her to copy. I'm sooo beyond worried about some kind of learning disability. So as far as it affecting our futures, I worry what if she doesn't graduate HS, go on to college or a trade? What if she doesn't get a job? Will we be supporting her forever