God.. don't tell me I have to dis-disengage
Hi fellow steps!
New here, so I thought I'd share my story. Hoping perhaps that anyone has some helpful words to share (or just likes to groan along with me 
I have been with my boyfriend for approximately ten years and I honestly think that he is the person I am supposed to grow old with. The first six years were quite tumultuous, each breakup triggered by arguments concerning his daughter. She was born not long before our first date. Her mother was a not so much his girlfriend as a regular bootycall who at some point decided she wanted to get pregnant. Look, I love my boyfriend, but sometimes he is a real idiot. Long story short: they had unprotected sex, she lied about going to get a morning after pill, he asked for a DNA test, she got all offended (which is hilarious seeing as she is such a slutbucket), and denied him to put his name on the birth certificate. Why would he want his name on the birth certificate, I hear you ask? Well, loveable idiot remember. He wanted to do the "right thing", take responsibility or something, basically entering a self-imposed penal camp because as he is not the father on paper, she calls all the shots when it comes to visitation.
In the beginning, and especially after the early breakups, I would really beat myself up for not being more naturally interested in his daughter, or not being supportive enough, or being resentful when our relationship didn't progress as it would without her. All the things he blamed me for. However, after a certain time.. this just stopped. I stopped feeling guilty or responsible and just decided to let him "do his thing" when it came to his daughter. Not my kid, not my problem!
We have been living in our own house for four years (God, the amount of struggle and patience it has taken to get here..) and she hardly comes over. Main reason for that is that I am completely disengaged, and my boyfriend cannot seem to accept this. Moreover, if she IS in the house, he has the annoying tendency to judge my every move. Every word, every facial expression, I feel is monitored. So I just stayed out of the way (I combine a fulltime job with a fulltime studies, so that keeps me pretty busy anyway) and I was pretty content with this arrangement.
BUT NOW, my boyfriend's old frustrations are bubbling to the surface again. Basically saying that our relationship will not work out if I do not start caring. He is right about this, I really really really do not care. But I also do not want to give up this life we have worked so hard and long for.
I have now consented to joining them for a few hours during her next visit. Do you guys have any tips on how to approach this? Note: I am a terrible actress.
Many thanks!!
Go to movie. You are there
Go to movie. You are there but no talking.
So - why do you want to grow
So - why do you want to grow old with this guy who can't parent one 10 (?) year-old by himself? And why are you giving in to what he wants?
Well, as to your first
Well, as to your first question; it's just one of those things.. difficult to explain really (it certainly has nothing to do with parenting). He is just a lovely guy and we are really compatible. Love, you know.. The reason why I am giving in to what he wants is because I value the relationship. We have both invested so much in it. Do you think I made a mistake in consenting to spend time with them? *sad*
I'm not sure love is enough
I'm not sure love is enough in these circumstances.
He seems to want things from you that you don't want to give and you guys have broken up multiple times over it. I don't think you should force yourself to have a relationship with her just to make him happy. And I think if he wants a GF/wife who will like his daughter he needs to find someone else rather than try to make you like her.
It just doesn't seem like a happy situation that would make me think you guys are well-matched and ready to grow old together.
This.
This.
And it won't end when skid ages out. Next come grandskids.
As steps, sometime's it's
As steps, sometime's it's easy to accumulate resentment towards our SO's past. Like you said, they can be real idiots and make some dim-witted choices that end up forever affecting our lives and relationships with them. It's hard to not feel like we missed out on something and secretly wish that these exes and skids just never existed in the first place. I'm here to tell you that it's natural to feel this way.
I'll be the first one to admit it, my DH was also a "real idiot" when he knocked up and married his ex-wife. I can't stand the thought of anything to do with her -- and that especially includes the fact that they share a kid together. Unfortunately, it was also very easy to take all of my bitterness and insecurities (of not having my own child w/ DH) and project them onto my SS. Of course I wanted nothing to do with my SS, I hated that he even existed.
Clarity came when I was able to see that my SS was not the problem. It's not his fault that his parents were idiots and in reality, he's just a kid that was born into a crappy situation. I'd encourage you to also find and seek out what it truly is about this little girl that bothers you so much. Is it really her that you're trying to disengage with, or is it you boyfriend's past?
That is what's helped me, so it may help you. However, I do agree that you are not obligated in any way to be apart of this child's life. You did not create her, so she is not your responsibility and the level of involvement you have is 100% up to you. I get that your boyfriend loves his daughter and he loves you, so naturally he wants you both to love each other -- but he can't push that on you. If appeasing your boyfriend by showing some care for his daughter is what will make your life quality better, then absolutely, I say go for it. Compromise a little and seek ways (like this forum) to gain some clarity and contentment in being around her. BUT if you know that no matter what, forcing yourself to be around her will only make you miserable, then I'd encourage you to stick to your boundaries and maybe even consider moving on from this relationship.
Good luck to you!
Dear mshilton16, thank you
Dear mshilton16, thank you for your thoughtful response. You have articulated the problem better than I ever could. As my boyfriend's daughter has never done anything to me personally that I could hold against her (other than simply "existing" and thereby disrupting my life), I agree that my resentment must have a different cause. Ideally I would be able to be pleasant in a sincere way, but so far I have had no success at getting over my resentment. I would be putting up this show for the benefit of my boyfriend and his daughter.. all the while, who is standing up for MY benefit? Sorry for sounding so bitter.
May I ask whether this insight has had a positive impact on your relationship?
To be honest, it's been a
To be honest, it's been a long process. There's been good days and there's definitely been some bad ones. Acknowledging that my problem is my own (and that it comes from my own insecurities and bitterness), has given me freedom to be more accepting of my ss, which in return has made me happier. I would say yes, our marriage is better for it and so am I.
It's a process that I began working on once I realized I was unhappy in a life I had chosen for myself. I struggled big time with accepting my dh's past, but no matter what I can't change it. I have two options in order to be happy: either love him fully and accept this is his life, or leave. I love him too much to leave so I decided I needed to re-direct my focus from what I can't control (ie. skids) and focus on what I can control, which is loving myself and bettering myself.
Who will stand up for your benefit? The answer is, you. You will stand up for your benefit. Make yourself your own priority in this situation and know your worth! Don't put on a show for anyone, especially not your bf. It's not worth it and it will only make you more resentful in the long run. Be true to yourself and be open with him about how you feel; especially if this is the man you're wanting to grow old with.
And she will grow old faster than she wanted to if she does this
for him and the daughter.
You have to value yourself to stand up to this and tell him this is not your dream, it's his. Nobody can force another to love someone they just don't love or feel anything for.
I agree, the child isn't so much the problem as much as his past with her mother is, and the enmeshment his guilt may have created. Not your circus, not your monkey, and trust me, no sex, no handsomeness, no NOTHING is worth the future that awaits you...this is the voice of experience.
Don't play games or try to be
Don't play games or try to be an actress. Just be direct. If either of them step out of line confront it directly.
"And this is why I have no use for her and no use for you when she is around. So, either pull your head out of your ass and be my partner or GFTO!"
No failed man, failed partner or failed father is worth you putting up with a pile of bullshit for.
"she hardly comes over. Main
"she hardly comes over. Main reason for that is that I am completely disengaged"
I think I can 99% guarantee you that if she isn't coming over it has nothing to do with you being disengaged.
All because you work hard on
All because you work hard on something doesn't mean it's good.
That's your first mistake in all of this. You have equated the hard work and the length of time to mean your relationship is a quality one. You fought back at the beginning, breaking up frequently, because your BF didn't give you what you wanted. Now that you have what you want, he's unhappy to not have what he wants.
In my opinion, you two aren't compatible. There is a difference between a relationship being hard and a relationship taking hard work. The latter means you're constantly putting in effort, improving yourself, communicating, working on projects/goals with your partner, etc. It's a bit equivalent to advancing your career. You're always taking steps forward.
The former, however, just means that everything you try to accomplish is a struggle, and you're not necessarily moving forward. Living together isn't a quality next step if it was done because you needed a place to live, rent was cheaper, you thought it would solve problems, it was "just time" after several years, etc. This type of relationship is more like working a deadend job. Sure, you put in time and frustration, but it's not getting you anywhere. You're not building new skills; you're just sort of existing.
You and your BF don't sound compatible even if you love each other. Love isn't enough. It's a stupid idea that is relatively new in human history that good, long-lasting relationships are just built on love and dedication. No. A lot of bad relationships also last a long time out of love and dedication, but the people in them are husks of the people they were. They gave up quality for quantity, and you're about to do the same.
He wants to be a dad in a relationship with someone who wants to share in that part of his family. You don't want to be that person, either because you just don't want to be that person or your BF is the kind of dad who you know will thrust all his parenting responsibilities onto you. Or it's both. Either way, that has always been the fundamental problem in your relationship that you and BF have never found a common ground on because neither of you wants to compromise long-term.
You are determined to stay with him it seems. If so, I suggest some acting classes. This isn't what you want and you don't want to change. Your only option, then, is to learn how to fake it really, really good. That's not me trying to be funny or snarky. If you're just going to mask the underlying problem, then do it well. Practice smiling vapidly in a mirror. Practice nodding and saying "that sounds awesome, SD." That's what your BF wants, and if you want to give him what he wants, then practice it now.
The Sunk Cost Fallacy. we
The Sunk Cost Fallacy. we get too wrapped up in all the time wasted.. and as a result continue to waste MORE time.
I honestly do feel a bit bad for the child in this situation. OP has not said that the child, herself, is particularly bad.. just that she is basically ignoring her existence to some extent.
Honestly, I feel that OP would be better off with a more compatible relationshp.. one without prior children involved.
Opportunity cost is only a
Opportunity cost is only a viable investment strategy if there is a high probability of successful outcome.
You are absolutely on point regarding the sunk cost of relationships. If the history is one of failure and misery the opportunity cost of continuing to invest in the relationship is prohibitive when considered against the low probability of success.
Throwing good "money" after bad is never a good investment.
It’s not that you are upset with the past
But there past is coloring your future, Shure he has a kid. He wants to have fun with his kid. He want the kid, you and him being a big happy family. But your ideal of a happy family does not include a kid, you really do not care for.
The big question, will he make that kid respect you, that means parenting the kid and some of that happyness will be lost that weekend when he punishes the kid.
it's your life, you see how it's going, it's not going to change. It's seems like it's getting worse.
So basically all the "early breakups" centered around this
daughter...Newsflash...when she turns 18 the problem will not go away. He is heavily enmeshed with her, and likely suffers from daddy guilt because he wasn't there for her every waking hour.
If he is expecting you to conform to his wishes where she's concerned, he is already telling you WHO HE IS PUTTING FIRST and MAKING HIS PRIORITY, and you are not it.
I personally would not give a man 10 years of my life without any type of committment. I would continue to focus on my job/career and college classes you are taking to better yourself. If you decide to stick it out with this "man" who already has a mini-wife, if will be turbulent at best. If you decide not to, I assure you, you will be a nice catch for someone with less drama in their lives.
Flip on over to ADULT STEPS and read about the horrors some of us have been subjected to because of the offspring.
Devils advocate
I know this doesn't seem to be the general opinion but if you have agreed to a couple of hours do the couple of hours. Give it one last chance. Let your dp know this is the last chance. And really try I know it will probably get thrown back in your face and you know it too but if you actually try then ur dp can't say anything about it ever again. Make a mental note of every dirty look ever disrespectful thing that happens then afterwards you can say well this happened I did try but will not do so again. That way hopefully all future arguments can be headed off with I did try I just don't think it's going to happen in this life time. If it's just a couple of hours then you can do it. I believe in u!!! As a pp said if u don't want to try find something to do such as painting nails etc where you can talk (in my situation I can't think of anything I would want to do less) then as a pp said movie time! Lol also just want to add this in no way means I think you haven't tried before. I just wanted to give different advice x
All food for thought
I am in a situation where I recently cancelled my wedding due to my inability to accept a little 8 year old child a boy. Met him when he was 6 but more and more he just irritates me I couldn't understand why this happens . I'm horrified at myself for being unable to control my emotions towards a kid. Its not his fault he was born into a 5 months dating thing. the mother bi polar dumped the boy on him at 2 years old. She in a mental hospital now. so Husdand to be is stuck with his situation but would love to be free to be with me, so I tried and failed as I'm always on edge with the kid. My two daughters grown up living there own lives, i stayed in a loveless marriage to raise them..
he's a good man and everything i wanted in a man but his son it feels like its me you and Dupree...
question is ,,, what the heck do we do in life as humans theres so many kids born out of wedlock and broken families . I wonder what these kids will be like when they become step parents .
What's the answer to this dilemma ? I spent time in Africa and lions kill the cubs of others, so prehaps its a natural thing. but we cant do that...we aren't wild animals .
Dont have kids in the first place ? Finding someone you are compatible with in the first place is difficult.
To the lady who started this thread , i feel for you. But think about how a teacher acts with students and try this way. You are lucky SD isn't living with you.
I feel for me.. resentment is real . Is the grass greener on the other side ? A new relationship argh!
Focus on you for sure .. because in the end thats the only person you can rely on.. practise respect and develop clear boundary's if that fails move on..
I had the mammalian
I had the mammalian revulsion issue to the presence of someone else's child in the middle of the early days of my DW and I forming our relationship. It was the lion thing you mentioned. I likened it to a new male lion eliminating the progeny of his predecessor when he takes over a pride. As you also said, we are humans with intellect and cannot do the lion thing. I realized that my wife is the person I wanted to make a life with and to do that I needed to commit to raising her son as my own. Which I did. What better way to commit to a spouse than to help them raise their child? And... raise that child to be far better than the blended family oppoyever could.