Sole Custody
Looking for insight and advice, please! This is my first post. I'm a 32 year old graduate student finishing up a PhD in Clinical Psychology. I met my partner several years ago and we have been dating for two years; I officially moved in 6 months ago. He was very clear from the beginning that he had two children from a prior marriage, and BM is not in the picture very often (she is in and out of rehab for substance use issues and currently has supervised visitation at my partner's discretion... which she uses less than once a month because there are very few people available who can supervise her visits). I don't have any biological children and I don't know that I want any, although I'm not opposed to it. I actually work with children as a psychologist in training and really enjoy kids, generally.
My partner is a fantastic dad and his children (10 and 8yrs) are also pretty well behaved and I usually enjoy spending time with them. The problem is.... it's A LOT of time with them. Perhaps in part due to some past trauma and difficulty with their BM (being left home alone at a young age, police were involved several times, BM got a DUI with the kids in the car most recently, etc), they are VERY close to their dad and have a hard time with him separating himself from them to spend time with me. There's also very limited options for us to spend 1:1 time together, given that we have the kids in our home 100% of the time. Sometimes he has his parents babysit or has recently started getting a sitter so we can go to dinner and a movie, or something like that.
I'm struggling because I feel like I'm starting to resent the kids for taking up so much of my time and attention and getting in the way of my partner and I spending much-needed time together. We always have a great time when it is just the two of us and it really builds our bond and relationship. Another pieces to add is I already have a very full and overwhelming schedule as I am in the last two years of a doctoral program, and the last thing I want to do some nights is come home to a house full of kids (oh and we have two dogs).
The 'icing on the cake' I suppose is that my partner likes to go to martial arts classes at a local gym that start at 7:30pm, which means he doesn't get home until about 9pm. This leaves me getting the kids ready for bed and putting them to bed 3-4 nights/week, and sometimes cooking dinner and feeding them on top of that. At first, I was very supportive of him going to these classes, he doesn't have any friends and I really want him to be able to go do something that he enjoys. But I'm finding that him being gone so many evenings is wearing on me and he has come to assume that I will watch the kids while he is gone. The alternative would be that he could take them with him, but then they would all be getting home around 9pm, which is past the kids bedtime and would then be even more chaotic later at night.
So, just looking for some thoughts especially from anyone who has no bio kids, such as myself, and has jumped into a sole custody situation? Any tips for getting enough time with your partner and not feeling completely overrun and exhausted/resentful would be really appreciated!
Three to four nights a week
Three to four nights a week is a lot to expect you to do his parental duties.
I agree that he is asking a
I agree that he is asking a lot to have you care for his kids 3-4 evenings a week. It is his responsibility to care for these children and you are, in a sense, dating and living with a single father. Of course he is probably happy to have his load of childcare lightened.. but is this fair to you? is this what you want? What if YOU wanted to go participate in some class or activity?
Maybe he thinks that because you professionally work with children that you enjoy it? So, he doesn't see the issue. Maybe he is just selfish and wants what he wants? Maybe he has been needing a break himself, but in doing this, shifts his responsibility and burden to you.
I was childless (still am) when I met my DH who had two girls 5 and 9. We didn't have them full time, so I can't 100% imagine what that might be like as to not having adult privacy time, but I am a firm believer in that you don't get what you don't ask for. Also, people can't read minds. He may think you are ok with the current arrangement since you encourage his Karate.
I think you need to sit down and discuss YOUR needs.. your fears and talk about possible solutions.
You want and need more adult time. Maybe that means that instead of him doing karate 4 days a week.. you both join a gym with daycare.. and you can go workout together.. in time for him to have the kids home for a reasonable bedtime.
Maybe he goes to Karate on a Friday night when a later bedtime won't hurt the kids.. and he can take them with him. Then you could go do an adult things with your friends or family?
I think he needs to make it a priority to have one adult evening out a week.. Maybe a kidfree weekend once every couple months.. and a longer vacation at least yearly?
I will say as the kids get older.. it will be easier.. their bedtimes won't be as late.. and they will also need less help from you.. and at some point will be able to be home alone.. in a few more years.. at 12-14.. for the oldest..
Now.. how he responds to you will give you an idea of whether it is worth it to work through this more difficult time when they are younger. Will he get defensive? Will he minimize your concerns? Will he refuse to see your POV? You want a partner who listens and understands your needs too. Sure his kids are reliant on him.. but that doesn't mean they are to always be priority above you in every way.
Thank you so much for sharing
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! My partner is supportive of me going out and doing things that I enjoy also, and sometimes I go to the gym in the mornings while he is getting the kids ready for school, so that seems to work out well (when I can manage to get myself up out of bed extra early haha). I have brought up the "not enough adult time" issue before and things HAVE gotten better, but I still feel like we're not in a place where our relationship has the time that it needs to thrive. Given that we've only been together a few years, I worry that it's not possible to build a strong enough relationship within this environment. Or, alternatively it could be easier as the kids get older. It's hard to be patient and work within the time limitations that we have, and not worry that I am using my time in a relationship that won't ever get to the place I want it to be.
He's living the reality that
He's living the reality that most single mom's live, trying to raise kids on your own and then have a personal life on top of that.
So here's what he needs to do, keep his romantic life separate from his regular life. He needs to date you outside of the house, and he needs to make seeing you a priority outside of his kids.
If he can't or won't do that, then he's not really looking for a soulmate, he's looking for a live in nanny. If he truly cares then you will be a priority he makes outside of his kids.
Nobody should date and expect their BF/GF to just watch their kids for them. Nobody! I was a single mom when I met my DH and I never asked him to watch my BS, I got babysitters. Once we were married then I would ask my DH if he was okay to watch BS while I went and did something alone, if he said no, then BS went with me.
Yeah, no martial arts 4
Yeah, no martial arts 4 nights a week when you are a single parent. It's not your job to take care of the entire evening routine for him. Let him know you are no longer comfortable doing that, and see how he responds. That will tell you what you need to know. If he says right away that he understands and will make other plans, great. If he tries to make you feel guilty, then cut him loose.
I met my wife when SS-27 was
I met my wife when SS-27 was 15mos old. I was in the last semester of my long undergrad career (11 years, 6 different colleges or universities, 6 changes of major, & 200+ semester hours of undergrad credit) and the first semester of her undergrad career. We married the week before he turned 2yo. I have no BKs. I get the struggle you are going through. I've been there.
My DW was working on her undergrad for the first 5yrs we were married. After we married she was in night school. Drop in day care was a life saver for us. She would drop SS at the Kid Space drop in daycare on her way to night school and I would pick him up on my way home from work. I chose an online Grad School program so that DW could continue on her undergrad while I worked on my Masters.
After I picked SS up from Kid Space we would head home, I would cook dinner and we would have some Kid/Dad time. After his bath it was Grad School time. We would put milk crates of Dr. Seuss books, coloring books, colored pencils and a drawing tablet on the day bed in our home office and we would go to school and I would get to work on class, reading, discussion questions, papers, research, etc, etc, etc... He would sit on the Day Bed behind me and "study". Since we were not in the family room Max the parrot would eventually come marching through the house calling "Cody, Daddy, Cody, Daddy, Cody, Daddy" until he marched into the study and crawled up my leg. I had Max's hoody on the back of my office chair and would put it on when he started up my leg. Max would sit on my head or shoulder and supervise the study activity. If I stopped typing to read Max would decide when it had been long enough and would start making key stroke noises and would march down my arm and start "typing" on the key board. If I had study group conference calls Max and the Skid would both participate in the group discussions. Not always great from a distraction perspective but always good for comic relief for hairy eyeball tired working professionals pushing for Master's degrees.
That is how DW got her dual major BS (Mgt/Acctg) and a parrot, a 3-7yo and I got an MBA. We made great memories as we built a marriage, a family and pursued our academic and career goals together. It was sometimes hell, sometimes a PITA but it was overwhelmingly amazing. I am glad we did it. My guess is that my bride is too.
My wife and I chose to make a life together. I had just finished my undergrad (BSEE) and we both were committed to our educations. To facilitate and support that commitment for each of us this is the model we chose. We also committed to making our marriage and each other our joint unequivocal priority and the Skid our top marital responsibility. Though we did not recognize it as a good thing at the time we also had the benefit of SS having 7wks/yr of visitation with his BioDad and that clan. So we got alone time on a long distance visitation schedule of 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1 wk spring.
For the first 9 years of our marriage one, the other, or both of us were in school. Together we have completed three undergrads (2 her, 1 me), an MBA each and a notable professional certification each (CPA her, CMRP me). Together we raised SS to be a successful viable adult and we have each had successful careers.
It isn't easy to do all of these things when in an intact marriage with no kids. It is infinitely harder in a blended family environment with the drama of the blended family opposition and the "your not my dad/mom!" Skid drama to deal with..
To do it all successfully you and your BF are going to have to have a plan and work the plan in a way that provides for supporting your Doctoral studies, both careers and rearing the Skids and any BKs you choose to have. As I said, I have no BKs so DW and I stopped at the Skid as far as spawn are concerned.
I suggest that you put an end to the 4 night per week Skid care model. BF needs to schedule an earlier martial arts class to a time when the Skids can be in after school care and you get that time for quiet study time free of noise and distractions. I would approach both sets of the Skid's GPs to set up regular GP visitation time so you and BF can have date nights and the occasional Skid free weekend.
It took us a while to consider it a positive, but as I said, we did get dedicated couple time while SS was on SpermLand visitation.
Hopefully BM will get her shit together enough to get a Skid visitation schedule set up so you and BF can enjoy some regularly scheduled 1:1 programming.
Congrats on Grad School. Don't let the blended family relationship world distract you. It can be worked out. Demand that it is.
Good luck.