What actions do you consider acceptable to hold an adult skid accountable for verbally attacking you?
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I was interested in hearing from other stepparents what you consider acceptable and would make you happy with your spouse in regards to them holding their adult kid responsible for verbally attacking you? Since they are not minors living at home, what can be done? I am talking about a hateful, vile, foul-mouthed verbal attack on you over nothing, as well as your spouse (complete with the F word), not just yelling at you in general.
*** keeping in mind you want
*** keeping in mind you want nothing to do with the skid anymore after putting up with years of resentment to only end with a verbal attack after they move out of the home you took care of them in.
Ok, so what did you have in
Ok, so what did you have in mind? What do you consider to be appropriate that would make you happy your spouse imposed on this adult child?
As you're completely done (yourself) with said adult child, I'll assume you are asking what *we* would be content with having our Dh's impose against his adult child and that *we* would not be happy with our spouse until he did so.
For my two cents, if I was done I would be done. Example, I'd totally disengage, adult child would have no need to re-enter my home. Those would be my decision. However I would not expect my Dh to come up with some 'punishment' on his adult child and keep doing so until I became satisfactorily "happy".
That's just it I don't know
That's just it I don't know what is reasonable to expect but the current situation doesn't seem right and only favors her in my opinion. To me its more about him playing good Daddy after what she has done so to me she got away with unacceptable behavior. I personally wish he got angrier with her about her attack and told her off because it was just so disgusting.
However, he agreed she is not allowed to be in our home (for me that means permanently). She screwed up her life so bad and then decided she will allow Daddy back into her life to give her advice on how to fix her problems. He told me he is keeping a distance from her emotionally because he is upset at what she did but I don't think it is much of a "distance". He said he "points her in the right direction" and everything else is up to her. He will not support her financially or do anything else for her and is leaving it up to her to help herself. To me, this just now finally holding her accountable to be an adult (what any parent would do), but not holding her accountable for her nasty behavior towards us. I say this because he is being good Daddy by giving her advice to help her, despite how she told him "F you and NobodyMom. She hates and disowns him and he will never see his grandchildren." To me there are no real consequences for what she has done since she lives out of state and has no car to drive here anyway. She gets him to be good Daddy and it's still all about what he can for her and she got away with treating us like sh!t.
" he "points her in the right
" he "points her in the right direction" and everything else is up to her. He will not support her financially or do anything else for her and is leaving it up to her to help herself. To me, this just now finally holding her accountable to be an adult (what any parent would do), but not holding her accountable for her nasty behavior towards us."
So the only contact he has currently is phone/text/email and all he is 'giving' towards the adult child is 'free' advice. No cash, no co-signing loans, no educational payments... just trying to give fatherly type advice on good decision making and direction she likely needs to path on.
He's also on his emotional guard when it comes to her. Meaning , at least at this point, he has lost trust and doesn't intend to be played the fool.
I'm not sure what else the man can do such of refusing to ever talk to the young lady again. Is that what you want. Zero communication between the father and daughter? Would that make you "happy" and be considered the key to bringing you satisfaction for her outburst towards you and her father?
I was afraid that might be what you were hoping to hear from your original posting. Since you asked for opinion or , I guess, what actions on our spouse's part would make us happy if our adult stepchild had a verbal tirade towards us and spouse, I'll now say, IMO your husband is doing what he feels is appropriate. He's backed off blindly adoring his daughter so not to be hurt and/or abused by her again. He doesn't live anywhere near her , so he won't be visiting her (at least anytime soon) nor she entering your home. He's doing nothing but handing out free advice from a older more experienced father viewpoint and is physically nor financially handing out any support/cash.
If making you "happy" means zero never ever contact ever again, you very well may be 'unhappy' for quite some time. While you have every right to talk to him and tell him how you feel, expecting him to banish his daughter's very existence, period, from his life (which at this point is merely long distance contact) probably isn't going to happen.
Do I wish he would have been
Do I wish he would have been disgusted enough to "disown" her after she said she would to him? Yes, the selfish hurt me feels that way. I've know people that would disown such a rotten kid. Do I expect it? No. I guess my hate for her has grown knowing she still gets Daddy to give her advice like she has done nothing wrong and smirking to herself how she told daddys partner off. She got away with sh!tty treatment of me and him and I didn't give it back to her as bad as she gave it to me (she made it clear my kindness is a weakness). That may seem childish, but I really feel like a chump for thinking that not lashing out back would make her see the light. It did not. Keep in mind she didn't want daddy's advice when she lived with him which is why she moved out then screwed up her life. He will be visiting her at some point. Sadly, maybe you are right and I will never be happy. I hate he cannot see her for the manipulator, liar and user that she is.
I do appreciate your straight forward advice. I just cannot get rid of my hate and anger knowing she got the best of me. This was someone I once truly cared about and did so much for.
My husband and our biological
My husband and our biological daughter have been estranged from each other for years. I do understand your hurt and anger.
While I have occasional contact with our daughter, it is certainly not a close relationship as it once was. The last time our daughter really called with more than generic chatter was last year when she thought her husband was having a heart attack. She was frantic. I had compassion for the fear she was feeling. Losing a spouse is a tragic event. I make no bones about it, I really dislike her Dh who I refer to as 'the horse's ass' more than once on here, but I do love my daughter. I don't like many of the things she has said and done, but I do care for her as a human being and of course when she reaches out shattered and afraid I will talk with her.
And this is Dh and mine's own biological daughter. Just sharing as I think perhaps I understand to a small extent what and how your husband feels in all this. I'm sure he'd like to shake the daylights out of his daughter... but he will never totally stop loving her.
KWIM?
Thank you. I understand what
Thank you. I understand what you are saying as a biological parent and I'm also very sorry to hear of your difficulties.
But I admit I don't understand how a parent whose adult child only calls them for help or in a crisis while never trying to have a loving relationship, and their relationship is all about "hey dad, what can you do for ME while I never do anything for you?" find that healthy or acceptable. I also admit, I don't understand how a parent can love an adult child who treats them like sh!t and shows the parent no respect. DH and I were never treated by her as if we were human beings with feelings like everyone else. I love my family too, but there are limits any person should take, even from family. My belief is being family does not give you a pass to treat each other with hate, swearing and name calling or treat a family member's partner as if they are nothing because they are not "blood". If I had treated my DH or his daughter that way, he most certainly would have kicked me out of his life because it would have damaged our relationship beyond repair.
I'm in almost the exact same
I'm in almost the exact same situation with my wife's youngest son. He verbally blasted me a few months ago, and I no longer have anything to do with him. I understand he is still my wife's son, and that she needs to have some kind of relationship with him. He doesn't get access to me anymore, however. I've blocked him from my phone and from all social media. He has no way to contact me.
When he got really nasty, I didn't get in the mud with him. I simply told him I was done. I meant it, and haven't interacted with him at all since. He isn't allowed in our house. I won't be around him. If I were you, I would think a bit about your feeling that she "got the best of you". If you kept your composure while she was being an ass, I think you should be proud of yourself. You didn't get in the mud with her, and she made herself look like the idiot she is. She did that all by herself. In my opinion, she didn't get the best of you at all. She would have if you crawled into the mud with her, but you kept your composure and didn't let her control you that way. Good for you!
The only person you can control in this situation is yourself. Cut her out of your life, and move on, if she upsets you so much. Your marriage doesn't have to be about her, unless you insist that it is. After I disengaged from my crazy stepson, my marriage is much better. He was all that my wife and I would fight about. I've since accepted that his behavior isn't my circus to deal with. My wife can deal with him to the extent she feels comfortable, but she doesn't include me in it anymore. I'm still angry at him, and will likely never like him, but I don't have to. Not my circus.
Thank you for your kind words
Thank you for your kind words and sharing your experience and wisdom. It makes me feel better about not stooping to her level. I guess I'm just so angry after so much time has passed and she should have apologized early on. But she didn't even though I didn't lash out back to her. Now I am done like you are. I am learning a lot from the posters here. Thank you!
"I guess my hate for her has
"I guess my hate for her has grown knowing she still gets Daddy to give her advice like she has done nothing wrong and smirking to herself how she told daddys partner off."
Who cares if she thinks this? Feelings of vindication are always short-lived and then replaced by insecurity. I am sure my OSD felt the same way initially. And I felt the same way you do right now. What consequences were going to be delivered to her because of her actions?
My DH followed a similar path to your DH; at the time I felt it was not severe enough, but I do understand loving your kids even though they are misbehaving and hoping as a parent you can help. Men also are problem solvers. When faced with this discord, they actually think they can solve the problem until they realize they cannot.
Over two years later I have not seen or talked to OSD. My life and marriage are much better as a result. I am the one that is with DH most of the time. This is what is important.
And OSD has realized that SHE is not the center, or even IN my universe. She is not a factor in our marriage any longer, and part of that was on me to no longer introduce her as a subject.
Excellent advice!!
Excellent advice!!
Spot on Lamby!
Spot on Lamby!
In this instance, I wouldnt
In this instance, I wouldnt care what my spouse does in relation to his vile kids. His reaction does NOT determine mine or impact the choices I would make about his kids. The important thing here is for you to exert some control over this situation with how other people treat you.
This is a historical question for me: I banned my step daughter (20) from my house and I do not speak to her. What my husband does with his child outside of my presence and away from my home does not bother me.
Please do not think you can control how other people react or what they should do - especially your husband. I think it is wrong that your spouse needs to do something to make you "happy" - it feels controlling and vindictive to me. Set your own boundaries and enforce them.
Perhaps I could have worded
Perhaps I could have worded my question differently for clarity. I do expect my spouse to care about my happiness just as I do his, it is a natural part of a loving relationship to me. That is not controlling or vindictive to me, it is about having a healthy, happy, respectful relationship. I do have boundaries, but if he won't support them, it will hurt us. To clarify what I mean by a spouse making his partner happy, it is about how he can be supportive and not let his adult child cause trouble in our home and relationship. To remain united with his partner to make it clear to his kid that she has no control in our home and that he will not sit by and do nothing after her attacking us. To me it is that he helps protect our relationship from harm, just as he would protect his own kids from harm.
IMO, the problem is that the
IMO, the problem is that the skids are adults. They can no longer be "punished" for their behavior so they can be as crappy as they want. If this is the case, the only thing that can be done is for your spouse to refuse to allow them in your home until they apologize. If they refuse to apologize, he can meet them elsewhere. However, the bioparent may allow their adult children in the home when the stepparent is not there.
What I would expect is that
What I would expect is that my spouse would not ever insist I "have a relationship" with that adult-child in the future.
I would disengage.
If a parent wants to absolve or excuse their child's behavior towards themselves.. that's on them. I would expect my spouse to not allow the skid to speak ill of me to them nor would I expect my spouse to make me put up with their visits.
I would insist that no "joint finances" would go to that child.. no presents, no loans, no bailouts.
I'm not sure what kind of punishment could even be meted out for something like this. No doubt your DH probably feels there was some underlying justification for his kid's outburst and as long as he didn't make me deal with them.. I could care less.
I am not going to get caught up in being offended on his behalf for how they treat their own father.
As an adult who owns her own
As an adult who owns her own home, if an adult verbally assaults me, they are not welcome in my safe space.
I couldn't give two hoots if they were related to me or not - you wanna treat me that poorly, you're not welcome here.
If DH wants to continue that relationship, that's up to him, but it won't be around me, and it won't be in my home.
(I'm thinking of DH's long time friend - I want nothing to do with him. DH is welcome to see him, away from me and our home.)
One of my favorite quotes
One of my favorite quotes regarding this is from Dr. Phil.
"You can call me a son of a bitch all you want BUT you will be doing it from a far"
(paraphrase is pretty darn close)
"what actions do you consider" you ask. Not being allowed in our home ever again.
NO wavering from that one.
True story OP true story.
Excommunication from the
Excommunication from the family.
A clear statement that neither verbal or physical attacks will be tolerated and will be met with aggressive response.
Get a concealed handgun permit and carry at all times.
I think it has been said by
I think it has been said by others but in different ways.
If my Husbands Kids did this- I would state they are no longer welcome in the home. Husband can have a relationship outside of the home. I would not attend family functions if said child was there.
I don't know your situation BUT if there was room for an apology I might accept it but would still feel uncomfortable if they were to visit in the privacy of my home- public places would be best to prevent violent outbursts. After some time probably would take years of re-building the relationship-on both sides- I may change my mind and let child come to visit, but start out slow. Even getting to know them again would be slow.
Its a tough spot to be in, but for the time being, the relationship would be over (temporarily or permanently) and no visits in the home. Good Luck!
Thank you. Toughest spot ever
Thank you. Toughest spot ever that I have been in. Honestly if I see her, I know all I will want to do is tell her what I should have told her back then. I often just want to call her up and put her in her place. It's best she stays out of my life and home. No, I would never believe her apology, not after the vile things she said for no reason other than crazy stuff she made up in her entitled mind.
I'm one of the lucky ones.
I'm one of the lucky ones. My SS called me a bitch once - ONCE. DH was across the room in a flash and smacked him in the mouth before SS ever realized what happened. No one disrespects me. Not BM, my kids, the skids, or even my family. DH won't allow it. If anyone is familiar with Jamie from Outlander (Jamie from the books, not the show), that's my DH.
If my skids ever did treat me like that and my DH didn't defend me, I would no longer be married.
I am in the same situation.
I am in the same situation. My SD27 cursed me out and physically threatened and verbally abused DH when she was 23. Worse yet she did it in our home and BM was there, and BM had a great big smile on her face while this was going on. This happened because all 3 adult steps asked to stay with us, due to a natural disaster (flooding) and BM had come to pick up the kids and her dog, that we also looked after. Yes, all 3 adult steps still lived with BM and after having them at our house for 3 weeks, it was payback time. I disengaged from SD27 four years ago,and she is not allowed in our home. DH still sees SD27 occasionally and keeps telling me she has changed (code word for give her another chance), but I have zero interest in that. I hate those mini guilt trips, but now instead of feeling guilty I just tell DH, “Nobody gets to come into my home and call me a f-ing c**t and then expects to be allowed back”. By the way, this was not a one off experience, this was the culmination of 14 years of abuse that this woman has been dishing out and was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.
So, try not to feel guilty. Just calmly enforce your boundaries. I know how shocked and horrified you must feel, but you did your best in a difficult situation. Your behavior, not stooping to your SD level of abuse, shows that you are a person of character and you should be proud of that, not guilty or regretful.
Wow-this says a lot about the
Wow-this says a lot about the character of so many skids that so many stepparents are in the same type of situation. I would NEVER speak that way to anyone my parents knew, if simply to show respect to my parents. I was NEVER nasty to adults just because they weren't catering to my entitled teenage ways.
Thank you for your last paragraph, it is helping me to feel better about keeping my mouth shut in the face of his daughters hate and vile attack out of respect for him. I guess the part that really sucks is being a person of character and only showing kindness to his daughter made no difference to her, she was determined to have a problem with me.
All I have asked is that DH
All I have asked is that DH keep the efftards away from me. Part of me would like to spew venom and tell them what worthless POSs they are. Yet I abide by Sammi's role model. I do not interact with them at all. Nor do I ask DH to tell them off. He can do whatever he wants. Me - they are dead to me. They do not exist.
Sometimes I want to tell them how worthless they are and what they have missed by being such aholes. Recently SS's GF told a bunch of people that I just needed to get "over it". Referring to their home invasion and ransacking of our home. It was hard not to say "no little girl I don't need to get over anything". What I do is to block them from any contact and to ignore anything they say or do.
It can be very difficult not to tell them how worthless and disgusting they are - but I strive to just ignore them. But I do have to admit that I share with other family members how worthless they are.
notasm3: I have promised
notasm3: I have promised myself, no reaction, no response, to my SD57. As you have stated here, it is very, very difficult to stay silent.
Good for you!
I know, before it's over, I'm afraid I won't stay silent, but I will continue to as long as I can keep my senses.
After 30+ years of hate and
After 30+ years of hate and discontent from my SD, she had a melt down and wrote a 2 page hate email to me. I printed it, showed it to DH, copied it, took it to my Attorney. Then I put her on notice for a Court Order Protective Order, if it ever happened again.
I booted DH to the curb, via Law Enforcement, for not ripping her up over it. He had to live with SD57 for a few months and they neither one liked that arrangement.
This was all 4 years ago. I am totally disengaged and have absolutely nothing to do with SD57. If this woman even steps 1/10th of the way over my boundaries, I call the cops and she goes to jail; I guarantee it.
There's not one family member that doesn't understand how I feel, my boundaries and my capabilities; if SD doesn't leave me alone. Of course my SD is so stupid, she thinks I'll "get over it". With that said, DH knows I won't. I know how notasm3 feels; it infuriates me to hear someone say "get over it"
Put your SD on notice and then take action. That is what I did and it is what I WILL do if necessary. It is all a matter of record now. No doubt, no secrets.
Make a believer out of all of them.
She is an adult you are an
She is an adult you are an adult
Did you respond to her?
When children become adults we treat them as such.
If an adult insults me in my home I am the one to respond how I see fit.
How should your husband act? He should. Be a united front with you( not against her you see but with you-whatever that might mean in your case)
Becaise she is an adult your husband should already be treating her as one(aka. No$ handouts, not tolerating rude behavior toward him or you etc.)If he os not treatimg her like adult then he is enabling her childlike behavior.
Simply disengage from the
Simply disengage from the adults, or minors, if they do not have respect.
And seeing you have no legal obligation to provide a roof over their heads, or there's no CO stating EOWE, they are not welcome at your house, Daddy can see them anywhere he pleases but they will not be coming over ....
These are your rights, it's your home as well as DH's...
Oh and I simply ignore the verbal attacks and swearing, I turn around and I walk away, ... but that was only because the brat was a minor and lived with SO, now she's out of the house and an adult, no need for her to come back
She dead to you. A person
She dead to you. A person that doesn’t exist. No cards, no money, no nothing
SO can have contact with her. But he better not pay her one cent in gifts. Unless he gets a part time job to earn some of that money
I totally disengaged several
I totally disengaged several years ago, she's 6 hrs away so it's easy. I made it clear she was not allowed in my home ever. What is hard and disappointing is watching my DH never hold her accountable for the horrible things she's said and done to him. He just takes it and acts like nothing happened. I can't stomach that kind of dysfunction. I do not discuss her ever with him.. it helps. He made a trip to see her and I cheerfully told him I would see him when he got back. There will NEVER be an apology, I know that. She could not even even apologize as a child wwithout a 3 hour standoff. I have to look the other way to get over my disappointment in him.
I don't know why, but the
I don't know why, but the SD's always seem to be the worst! I've got 3 ,OSD42 is the worst, in fact, theres no problem with the others or SS's. I got the snarks and rude comments,plus DH got the manipulation and emotional blackmail. He didn't (or wouldn't ) see it for many years. I finally had to get some professional help, but, I was VERY Lucky, DH did realize what she was doing, not only him, but our marriage as well, and he has told her that behavior will no longer be tolerated. She was furious to say the least, she declared how misguided he was(in front of the therapist) and that he would just have to figure it out for himself! Yeah! Right!
DH says he feels much better since he got it out .Thankfully she lives a few hours away, so contact is limited and DH isn't a talker ( and wouldn't touch a cell even if we did have service where we live).
There is hope,though rare, they will always love their children , but they can find the courage to say "No More". Best of luck!