Hi guys....when I originally posted on this site, I put this blog together but didn't get it out in a forum for some help from all my newfound experts out there. There's been some new developments since then, and wanted to put things past you. I have included an excerpt from my blog to give you the background to my relationship with my SD25
Please de forewarned, it's long
Her visits to our home are pretty few and far between, and that suits me just fine. When SD25’s dad and I moved in together, (neither his place or mine, we literally moved into a ‘new to us’ home) along with my teenage kids who LIVE with us part time and their dad the other time, she couldn’t understand why she was no longer allowed to come for a WEEKEND visit with her dad (which would obviously include her sleeping over for 2 nights) and to this day, she has pushed that issue incessantly. Because she won’t let this topic go, it has put a wedge between her dad and I on more than one occasion, where we don’t speak to one another for days because we’re so pissed off with the other for taking the stand that we have…..but I have not backed down once, or given in to her tantrums. Let me remind you, that she is now nearly 26 years old and add that she has a 5 year old son. She’s even gone so far as to text her dad and say things like “Who the fuck does she think she is? This is bullshit, daddy” (yep, she calls him daddy) And why do I know what slander she wrote about me ? Because I did what any other verbally and emotionally disrespected step-parent would do; after yet another of her hissy fits, I checked my SO’s phone, but didn’t lead on that I had. I’ll be honest with saying that I was more upset with the fact there was no response from him defending me than I was with the crap she was saying about me. However, if I hadn’t looked, then I wouldn’t be feeling anything, so that’s all on me.
Any time she DOES come to OUR home, she treats me just as she did the first time she met me; like I’m non-existent. Any and all conversations with her dad are all about frivolous and ridiculous topics (as they have nothing in common and struggle to have healthy conversation): Youtube videos, what she got for free since she last saw him, movies she’s watched, etc. Never once have I heard her ask “So, how are YOU dad ? What’s new” ? nor has he told me of one time where’s she just called to say she loved him or to see how he is. There is ALWAYS a reason to call him, and it’s because she needs something from him, wants to vent about how her baby daddy is skipping out on support, or anything else that completely revolves around her.
A couple of months ago, I was given the opportunity that very few disrespected step-parents are given; the door opened for me to tell this self-righteous, self-absorbed little bitch exactly how I feel about her. After she had to be told, yet again, that sleep-overs are a thing of the past (unbelievably, we have lived together now for 17 months, and this is STILL an issue!) she connived her way into getting to come over on the Monday when my partner and I were working, so she could burn a c.d before she drove home. (Really ? Was that REALLY the reason she HAD to come over, or was it just so she could rub it in my face that she still has her daddy wrapped around her finger ??) He left work early, something I have a hard time getting him to do myself, so he could meet her at the house before I got home. Once I arrived, I saw them both sitting in the garage, and when I went in there to say hello, not only did she not turn around in the chair she was sitting in, she didn’t even acknowledge my presence……..game on, bitch. That was THE last time she was going to disrespect me, PARTICULARLY in my own home. (and guys, from now on, please know that when I say ‘MY’ home, I do not want you to think that I am insinuating that it is not my SO’s home as well) Little did I realize that the greatest battle ahead of me was not going to be with her, but with her father defending her actions ! That resulted in 3 days of not speaking to one another, walking around on eggshells in our own home, and me close to calling off the engagement. Do you want to know what turned it all around and made things ‘okay’ between us again ? SD25 texting her dad asking what my problem is, him telling her that I feel that she disrespects me in my own home, and her saying that she just won’t come around then. THIS is what brought us to talking again; his daughter telling him that, so he just assumes that all is alright between him and I now. Little does he comprehend the hurt I still felt about him not possessing the emotional capacity to even TRY to understand how I am made to feel by his own flesh and blood. When he told me this , which was by text BTW, the FIRST response was an incredible ear to ear grin across my face as I thought “Hallelujah ! I won” ! At that point, it didn’t matter to me how it made my fiancé feel. I was done with fighting a losing battle, and this was the smartest thing to come out of her mouth since the day I met her. It’s funny how often my gut is right about her and her expected behaviour as it wasn’t long before it started talking to me again, telling me that this was going to be short-lived, and as intuition would have it, I was right ! A week later, she contacts me by text, asking for me to tell her exactly how she ‘disrespects me’….so I did…..full barrels, no holds barred. And just as I anticipated, as she’s ridiculously predictable, she responded with nothing but excuses for her behaviour, but not once did she deny the actions, she simply displaced them. She suggested we get together, just the 2 of us, so we could talk things over, considering that I am going to be ‘marrying her dad one day’ and has luck would have it, our weekends were pretty booked for the next several weeks, so I couldn’t give her a date. Once our weekends had calmed down, I will be truthful in telling you that it took everything in me to be the adult and contact her, because let’s face it, my life had been drama and anxiety free for weeks now, and her dad had not even brought her name up in my presence. But, I knew I had to do this for him. I had to show him that I, once again, was being the better person where his daughter was concerned, despite her treatment of me in the past, or how much I wished things could just stay as they were…..so I text her. She responded saying that she had to work that weekend and had other plans, so it would have to be another time. As far as I’m concerned, the ball is now in her court. It’s been several weeks since that text, and if I’m lucky, I’ll never hear from her again, as she’ll have come to the conclusion that I did long ago; I don’t have to like you or have a relationship with you just because I am marrying her dad. Life doesn’t work that way. Relationships are earned by one’s own merits and contribution, like the relationship each of my kids has with my fiancé, due to the respect and love that exists between them. Individually, they are all fantastic, selfless and remarkable people. This holds true regarding how I feel about SD25’s brother. My man knows that the same feelings are not held for his son as they are for his daughter. SS23 is a very kind, respectful, genuine and likeable soul. I’d welcome him in our home any day of the week……even for a sleep over !
I should mention as well that when SD25 concluded that she wouldn’t be coming to our place again, sadly, SS23 joined that bandwagon in support of his sister. HOWEVER, he has since changed his tune, been to our home twice with his new girlfriend and we’ve had WONDERFUL visits !
UPDATE !!!
Immediately following our visit with SS23 a week and a half ago, I mustered up the wine courage to have a conversation with SO. (I raised this subject in another post in the forum, asking whether I should let sleeping dogs lie when things were ‘quiet’, but the way that night had just gone, was a PERFECT opportunity for me to broach the subject) I simply started the conversation by saying, “See, now THAT is how a healthy and respectful family interaction should go. Do you see and feel the difference between a visit with your son, and a visit with your daughter” ? …....and he did….....undeniably. I went on to say that until his daughter and I meet up face to face to talk about her disgraceful treatment of me, she will not be welcome back in our home. He agreed !!! And I have his son to thank, as he was a perfect example of A) how respect and appreciation of someone adds a tenderness and genuine regard to the relationship and this is NOT about his KIDS, it’s about his KID. I told him as well, that should the day come that we have said conversation, I will be advising her that should her behaviour continue on, I will hold nothing back and I will call her on it every single time as it’s happening until she stops doing it, or she stops coming to our home, whichever happens first. He realizes that this will cause some tension for her, but as he now (hopefully) understands, it’s gonna be her feeling uncomfortable from now on, and not me. Her name nor any conversation of her had happened for weeks before that night, and none since then, until his cell rang last night, and it was her. I excused myself from the room, as just the sight of her name on his phone makes me throw up in my mouth. When I returned about 15 minutes later, he was off the phone, and I had no interest whatsoever in why she called, and he knew well enough not to share why she had called.
So now I sit and wait……because I know without a shadow of a doubt, that her text to me is imminent.
Here is my real conundrum though: REGARDLESS of how well she behaves while in our company from now on, the fact of the matter is that I simply just don’t like who she is as a ‘person’ and I do not easily forgive the transgressions of those who treat me like shit. I can’t help but to have a real issue with anyone who lives off a system that was meant to be a stepping stone and not a lifestyle, (infamous quote of mine) a mother who smokes weed across the room from where her 5 year old son is, and who is just genuinely a self-absorbed fucken princess ! I’m not thinking that there will EVER be a time for me to have THAT conversation with the SO, but I don’t want to lead him on to believe that I want any more of a relationship with his daughter in the future than I have right now.