After Having Your Own...
You ever feel like you can "get" why parents do the things they do (even to the detriment of the child)? And that if you ever divorced, your kid is going to drive their new step crazy because there are habits that are okay to you but you know it's only because you're their parent?
For example, out of necessity of construction, BD2 had been sleeping with us (long story short, busted pipe, all bedroom floors were buckled--hardwood--mold on walls, sheet rock taken down, carpet ripped out, we were camping out in the den) for the last two months and she obviously LOVES it. But even as her parent, I'm sick of not having "adult" time, and the fact that she LOVES being directly between me and DH and situates herself there (not to separate us, but to feel protected by both--but I can see how some people might take it that way). I'm waiting until I finish this exam I have on Friday and taking the next two weeks to sleep train her to her own room again (2 out of the 3 rooms have been fixed) but I know if, by some chance, DH and I divorced at this moment, he and I would probably be "that" bio with the cosleeping kid that's driving the new SO crazy. But since it's my kid, it feels less worse because I have that relationship with her.
And when we went on vacation, and BD held onto DH's hand while we were walking on the boardwalk, and I was walking behind (I walk slower) and I suddenly had this thought that if I was not BD's mommy, I'd have a problem with this because I'd feel like the third wheel and excluded.
And when, on occasion, she has those days where she ONLY wants her dad, or ONLY wants me, I can imagine it might be a bigger slap in the face if we were with other partners than each other, because we know, and inherently have that security, that she DOES love us, she's just going through one of her phases.
And, if, even as his wife and the mother of BD, I get annoyed (and sometimes feel kind of helpless because it's hard for him to change) at how he deals with her sometimes, be it too lax or too strict in my eyes, then I can't imagine how a new partner must feel.
Any of you ever feel this way? Like you catch a glimpse at the other side?
Edited to add: I try to the best of my ability, not to be that parent, but I know there MUST be some things I don't see that would drive a new SO crazy.
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The other side I see is super
The other side I see is super friendly Disney dad coming in to play. The pre me dad. And I may have to arrange his demise
I am a strict parent with discernible consistent boundaries. SO is the good time bestie westie if roaming free.
It's interesting when you
It's interesting when you bring up the age--prior to having kids, I wasn't truly aware of what is or isn't acceptable for a 2 year old and would have thought they should behave like any other kid, so if I was the SM to my BD, I'd probably have a lot of issues with things simply because I wasn't around many young children when I was growing up.
Like she's only in the middle of being potty trained--I come from a culture where kids get finished potty training at 1 and a half, and would be appalled that a 2 year old wasn't.
Or like her separation anxiety or terrible twos--I didn't believe all kids go through this until mine woke up one day and actually did, despite having been clear and consistent in our boundaries. She still tests us, and if it boggles my mind NOW, I can't imagine what a step (without kids) would think.
And the idea that it does take time for any form of education to work--like working on her tantrums--doesn't happen overnight. I always thought it would only take once or twice, but I've put BD in time out more times than I can count since her tantrums started.
HAHA, I posted this back in
HAHA, I posted this back in June http://www.steptalk.org/node/218381
I'm quite certain my BS5, while most of the time a very good boy, would drive a SM nuts. lol As long as skids/BM stay away from me, I think we're good though... with no skid/BM drama DH and I get along just marvelously
Since we have a his,mine and
Since we have a his,mine and ours situation I see all the different sides. My DS9 is ADHD and ODD and even as his mother I have days where I want to pull all my hair out then commit myself to an insane asylum. I've gotten lucky and the few serious relationships his dad has been in I've liked his SO. The one he ended up having kids with so we still talk(kids are 5 and 3). The other had 3 boys of her own(one of which also had ADHD) so she understood some of what I was feeling.
My SD12 is a manipulative,whiny and attention seeking child. I say that in the nicest way possible. She has learned all 3 traits from her mother who is, even at age 32, the exact same way. There were no problems with her up until the last couple months but we also got married about 4 months ago so that could have something to do with it(realizes mommy and daddy aren't getting back together even after 7 years of being apart) or also the fact her monthlies are about to start.
DH and I also have a 2 and 3 year old. I look at them and think about how much of a difference there is in the way we both raised our first children by different people and the way we are raising the younger 2. Our parenting styles didn't change that much but our exes had much different styles than both of us so it's interesting seeing how children raised with parents having the same parenting style are as opposed to children with parents with different styles.
Eff me. I shouldn't have said
Eff me. I shouldn't have said anything about construction. They look for and hone in on keywords. Deleting the spam.
I think this is so true. You
I think this is so true. You have a chemical bond with your own children and you love them no matter what. There is no option to disengage if they don't listen to you or argue with you or won't clean up after themselves.
Let's be honest, bio kids are disrespectful, arrogant and rude. They sometimes push in between their parents and want Daddy to show them more attention or they never talk to Dad at all, they share everything with Mom.
But because we are linked to them and bonded with them at birth we forgive them, we are not afraid to loose them if we discipline them, we hope that they grow out of this stage, and soon!
We also don't feel a rivalry between the kids and our partner. We don't feel second or third when our husband makes a choice that we don't agree with. Our problem isn't with the child, our problem is with the other parent.
That's what so many women on this board have a hard time with. It's not usually the skid, it's the partner. Next time you're angry at your skids behaviour ask your self who you'd be mad at if this was your Bio with that partner.