I need to get this shit out before I go crazy on my man tonight so PLEASE. HELP. ASAP. Words fly out of my mouth like arrows when I'm fired up...logical, but POINTED and out for blood. We've had some problems (all ex related) so I want to make sure my man knows we're on the same team.

How do you approach BM issues - ones that SHE clearly instigates - without accusing your man, emasculating him, or looking like you're insecure?

If you don't need the background info, skip down to the bold "Anyway, here's my current dilemma."

How do I allow my man to solve this problem, so that I'm not the controlling nag or the bitch??? I already know how I would solve it, I listened to his first idea of how to solve it ("wait until the next time it happens" :O) and I don't want to castrate him, but I feel really strongly about this and I can't just "wait" for another BM intrusion.

A little background:

1. My man and I have been living together "officially" since last June after dating for over a year. We also went to high school together, were friends for 3 years and then dated senior year and a little bit of college.

2. I HATE, HATE, HATE the mother of his two daughters. This is out of character because I’m peace-loving and usually hate no one. If someone harms me, I drop them from my life and move on, apathetically. Clearly, I can't do that in this situation if I want to be with my man.

I've never met her, but she has contacted me (repeatedly) and caused A LOT of emotional damage to both of us...and I’m not trying to play the victim...in fact, I'm strong and resilient as hell and I resent the victim role. I have seriously tried to let all of this go. I've tried to understand her - she has to be pissed because I’m not only an upgrade, but I’m also his FIRST LOVE. He stopped entertaining her BS when I came around. He started ignoring her. He stopped helping her with her personal issues. But hell, he was only “there” because she got pregnant within month 3. He never loved her; he pitied her. That must hurt like hell.

3. She is diagnosed bi-polar, though I think she has BPD. NONE of her four children's fathers speak to her. She rages. She guilt-trips. She files false charges. She's invasive. She's a bully. She's white, but uses ebonics – though not at work...only in personal situations. (I fuckin' hate that!) She admits to being MEAN and CRAZY! Gaaaahhhhhh

4. My man is no angel, but he's like many DH's here - non-confrontational, peaceful, loving, passive. He allowed himself to be manipulated by that nasty whore because in his words, "she's unstable" and he "worried about his children" and "wanted his daughters to know they were loved"... because BM routinely beats the children with brushes, can’t control herself/emotions, and has told little girls “bitch, get the fuck out of my face.”

I weep!

5. The children have just come into our lives...this is the 5th EOWE visit. They are beautiful little girls who I prayed about for the entire time that they were gone - when their dipshit mother used her tax return to move the four children she has custody of 1000 miles away...then had to move back 8 months later because of problems she ran into.

I promise, I will go into more detail later, because I need to get it out so that I can move on.

ANYWAY, here's my dilemma right now...

Because of all of the issues with BM I CANNOT deal with SO talking to her at all. I will not be in a relationship with him if he feels the need to speak to her...he knows this. Email? Fine. Then we have a record of her crazy, but phone conversations are completely out of the question. I don't care what it's about. If it's not a *child bleeding/get to the hospital now* emergency, I don't think that he should entertain a conversation because SHE is an abusive liar/attention whore. And he, for the most part, agrees.

So...last weekend, she SHOWED up to the place that she thought WE were going to be...so that she could "pick up the children" so he wouldn't have to drive. I had already left with my son, but how fucking bold of this bitch to try to force a meeting, right? My SO was shocked, but he told me about it right away and we laughed at her audacity.

Next...TODAY...she calls my SO at his job to tell him about how to order school pictures for the oldest. He called me right away and told me. About an hour later, he called me back and I asked him if he was “upset” about having to talk to the bitch this morning. He said “no, I haven’t had time to process it yet.” I then processed my own emotions on the phone with him and let him know how pissed I was. I let him know that it wasn’t his fault and I wasn’t mad at him, but this shit cannot go on.

I am still ENRAGED right now...and here's why:

A year and a half ago, he changed his number after she continually harassed him and lied about an emergency with the child. Now she cannot call and interrupt us at home. He has hung up on her when she calls him at work for non-emergencies. She has tried to email him and he shows me his email - he doesn't respond unless absolutely necessary. She didn't have the children call him or his family (whom they love!) the ENTIRE EIGHT MONTHS that they were out of the state – and her phone “blew up” so he couldn’t call them, but when they returned, she had the girls call him at work about Christmas presents. WTF?

Now clearly, because of the high-conflict-ness of the situation, he has not specifically told her NOT to call him at work...so how can she respect a boundary that she doesn't know about? Right?

I feel like I'm being out of line by demanding that he send her an email to let her know that ALL communication needs to be via email from now on and in case of emergencies, she may contact him at work or call his mother. I do not want to sound like a controlling bitch, but I need to have my emotional life free of her invasions because much of the stuff she has done to us has been traumatizing and the wounds have not healed.

How do I say this to my man without "demanding" it? ...but also knowing that my safety, security and SEXUAL ATTRACTION within this relationship depend on him handling that psychotic bitch and her invasions.

I appreciate any advice you can offer...and after lurking here for over a year, I have used and will use anything that makes sense.