and what i want is a semi-normal life.

i choose semi-normal because nothing is really 'normal' and what is normal anyway?

my bf is a lazy bum who watches too much tv and is sex-crazed cause he has nothing else to do. he is mean and nasty, he digs deep with his insults, and he is very immature.

i want a man who will be my 'partner', a man who i can have a meaningful intellegent convo with, a man who isnt always asking me 'wanna fuck?' or 'so can i do you in the butt tonight?' or 'you wanna smell me?' i want a man who doesnt cry (for real) if we are behind on bills and he fears we will be evicted. i want a man who i can count on, a man who will put me ahead of himself sometimes and a man who has good hygene.

at first bf was all that. but once he got comfy with me, his real self started coming through. and the last 5yrs he has spiraled down to the 'man' he is today---someone i cant stand.

my best friend is engaged to a man who is everything i want. i am not attracted to him though. and i would NEVER go after him. i am just jealous.

i cannot wait until i gain the strength to leave here. right now i am stuck but doing what i can to stay afloat.

sometimes i wish bf would leave ME, cause i would not fight it. i would accept it and move on.

sometimes i wish that he'd let sd11 live with someone else, then maybe he and i could work on 'us'.

sometimes i wish i could go back in time and see the red flags and run.

oh well. the only good thing from he and i being together is bd3. she's the best--and only--gift i have received from bf. i need nothing else but her.