How do you handle it when your biokids say negative (but true) things about skids
Bs3 has started to make little comments here and there that he prefers it when the skids are gone. So far I've just glossed over the comments and did a little deflection, but I am not sure what exactly to say to more direct statements. I don't want to blow off his feelings... But I also don't want to contribute to sibling alienation (if that's even a thing) by agreeing with him.
Like on Fridays.... I don't work social get bs3 before lunch from preschool and its just him, the baby and me until dinner time when I pick up the skids from daycare. Everyday when I say its time to go get the skids for the past month he's been sad and upset. He asks if we have to and says he likes it better when they are gone. I just said I like spending one on one time with you too buddy but we have to go now. He's too smart to be defected by that for long. He knows that's not what he was saying, and he tried to clarify last Friday that he actually means that he doesn't like it when they are home...but I kind of cut him off and pointed out a train that was passing by.
He asks sometimes why the skids are so naughty.....why they always fight. I just say I don't know. I dunno what else to tell him.
If I say we are going somewhere his first question is usually is do SS and SD have to come.
I don't blame him. They really do suck the joy out of every putting. The house is so stressful when they are home and so peaceful when they are gone. I want him to be able to express himself and come to me....but agreeing with him and saying that I like it better when they are gone too doesn't seem right either.
How do you handle your bio kids when they come to you with dislike for the steps?
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I think what you are doing is
I think what you are doing is perfect IMO. You are listening to him and then trying to distract him with something else that may interest him.
My BS is 4 and he is not anywhere near that vocal in making his opinions heard. Whenever he starts talking about something that upsets him, I listen and help him qualify his feelings and then I distract him with something else. In a way I am validating his feelings on the subject and also encouraging him to talk about something more pleasant.
Honestly, I don't beat around
Honestly, I don't beat around the bush with BS9 and my BS usually doesn't either when it comes to his feelings regarding skid. Skid is also a fun-sucker and an all out annoying, whiney, brat. So if he says something or comes to me with a gripe about skid11 I let him speak his peace and if I agree then I speak my peace as well.
I don't like skid, and I am not shy about admitting it nor do I hide it. BF knows and so does BS9. IDK if skid "knows" it or not but whenever BF has skid visits I am MIA! We don't live together either so I suppose it just looks like I let them have their father/son time alone. It used to be the 4 of us all the time in the beginning but then I just couldn't take being around skid anymore when he gave me lip. I was DONE with that kid after that!
BUT...That's just me and how I handle it....
I know that my "solution"
I know that my "solution" isn't as simple as it could be for anyone else, but I will share too.
My bio's are much older, and they didn't like FDH kid straight from the beginning. After 2 years of having his kid here EVERY weekend, and having to listen to my kids moan and groan here and there my two started to ask to stay at their own dad's house for the weekend.
After allowing it here and there, plus the multitude of other issues with fdh kid, I had to stop everything in its tracks. FDH goes and visits his kid on weekends now.
I did have to tell fdh too, that MY kids are asking to stay longer at their father's house (a place they would rather not) just to NOT be around his kid. I said, I only have my children living with me for several more years. I don't want my kids look at me in 20 years and tell me that the last seven years at my house was the worst.
So like I said, I know that my solution isn't the best for everyone, but my kids voicing their feelings on the matter made me stop, really listen, and really find solutions. Looking back, NO ONE was happy. With this new arrangement, less people are miserable. Its not a perfect solution that made everyone all warm and tingly inside, but at some point you have to try to salvage what could be left of relationships.
My oldest prefers also to
My oldest prefers also to avoid fSDs. He just stresses out easily and the 5 kids together causes him great stress. He waited a year to tell me and when he did, it was a river of emotion that I could tell he'd held onto. I hugged him and said 'you are always welcome to tell me how you feel about what's going on in our home life. I understand your frustrations and I have a lot of the same frustrations, but it's important we communicate and talk with each other when we feel upset, etc.' He's 9. I let him know it's okay that he feels that way and that it's important he talks to me about it. Then, plan some one on one time with them.
My DD11 really dislikes SD16
My DD11 really dislikes SD16 and avoids her at all costs! Its hard because SD lives with us but DD is well aware of everything that goes on with SD and is old enough to understand.
BD4 is not a fan of SD either. SD yells at her and calls her a brat to her face. She always makes her cry. BD tells me all the time how mean SD is and I just tell her that if she is mean then stay away from her. I am not gonna lie and say she's not mean! Sometimes I even suggest to her that when daddy gets home let him know what happened with SD today and she tells him everything. Not that he does anything about it!!
Oh I am glad you posted this.
Oh I am glad you posted this. My BS has been making comments lately about my SS13 and SD 8 about how they annoy him and he does not like usually. When he points out specific personality traits and quirks about them he hates....inside I'm agreeing with him and think he is totally right.