Trying to Hold It Together

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Let's see how my day has been......I've been in my room all day, which is fine, except I've been cleaning. A LOT. What I should have been doing was going through my drawers and getting rid of everything. That way when I leave this place it will be much easier.

What just happened made my head spin. I have been doing laundry all day (mine and DH's) and I'm still not done. I cleaned my bathroom which took two hours because I wiped everything down. I even cleaned the damn shower when I was in there, as well. DH went to pick up SD13 from her Pokemon Club thing and texted about dinner. He wanted to grill but t-storms had started. I never cook here. Never. I made chicken and stuffing in the kitchen while DH took SD13 to get her haircut. It's military style now, since she identifies as a boy. It looks better than her Paul McCartney Beatles cut she's been sporting since August.

So, what made my head spin? I'm cleaning up MY dishes after dinner and DH starts bringing his over, which is fine, everyone was cleaning up. SD19 is getting ready for a date with her flavor of the week and is leaving now for a movie. Go already. Yep, just left, ok good. So while we're doing dishes, DH's friend from AA (he's been sober 25+ years) sends a text. This friend is a "she" and she just lost her husband 2 months ago. She sees DH every week at meetings and she has a young daughter. They also see each other at the gym most mornings with a few other guys from AA. DH helped her out over the winter when her husband was terminally ill. DH loaded the snowblower and went and cleared her driveway a couple of times. So, the text from AAFF (AA female friend) comes through and DH says, "Hey, do you want to go to get ice cream? AAFF wants to meet us there." DH is mainly talking to SD13 and then he looks at me and says, "I know you don't want to go." All big smile on his face. He is almost out the door in under a minute, when I say, "My back is killing me, I'm not finishing all of these dishes. Can you do them, DH?" DH had SD19 finish as I walked away. My back was really spasming because I had been on my feet a lot today, mainly cleaning my bathroom vanity, etc. SD19 says to DH, "Oh so I'm your errand bitch AND your chore bitch?," all sarcastic. It was all in good fun, but I muttered "Welcome to MY world and left the room.

I am just really pissed that DH is out having a good time and I am here finishing his laundry, and I just made he and his SDs dinner. He even took my new SUV to go get ice cream with SD13. Take your own car. He doesn't think of me at all when he's in the moment and being spontaneous. So SD19 has gone to meet her date, SD13 and DH are meeting AAFF and her daughter for ice cream, and I am here after cleaning all fucking day. Just makes my head spin! I am a very strong independent person, so DH must think I have a resiliency to everything.

Maybe I'm jus too damn sensitive on the inside and this shit is starting to really get to me. Oh and he goes out of town on Wednesday and leaves me with the SDs and 5 dogs. I wish he were just leaving me with 4 dogs. No Steps whatsoever. I've had it. I keep looking for a rental. I've found one with a sky-high rent, big enough for a family of five. LOL It has a fenced yard and dogs are allowed. I just don't have quite enough money. If something like that is available in the fall, I am going for it. I just have to be patient and save up more money.

I just feel like crying tonight. I've worked so hard today.

~ Moon

I guess I'm more mad that DH

I guess I'm more mad that DH was barely done with the dinner I made, and he had one foot out the door. I had already showered, had no make up on, hair not done and was in my nightgown. Making dinner and doing laundry. It was just a very symbolic moment for me. Symbolic of the entire relationship. No one ever thinks about me. It even seems to negate the fact that DH went to couples therapy with me yesterday. I just feel like a big loser tonight. I am in such a rut. It gets hard to hold it together some days.

Yes! This SO

Yes!
This SO inappropriate.

He may not be physically copulating with this woman but he seems to be ready and willing to mentally and emotionally copulate with her.

Out of all the females in his life, his wife is last in the list for respect, time, and support?
Really? Does he want to be that guy?

Well I'm not saying you

Well I'm not saying you should be worried, but having ice cream with his FF from AA would be too much for me. Doesn't she have a sponsor or is he it?
Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I think it's inappropriate for a married man to go off meeting another woman for anything, despite her husband just passing. Look, I'm not desperately insecure, but I'm aware of human nature. It's not cool for him to go and I don't care who else went. Especially since you are having back spasms. Don't stay in a situation where nobody cares for you and your needs. It's BS!

I am an alcoholic and attend

I am an alcoholic and attend AA. I would never meet members of the opposite sex outside of meetings, out of respect for my DH of 32 years.

I think the term 13th

I think the term 13th stepping is around for a reason.

I did say that I really

I did say that I really wanted to go, but my back hurt and I had already showered. Basically my routine to get ready for work Monday had already started. The SUV is in both of our names but it is mine. It's the one vehicle I drive to work every day. DH has a company car, a truck and a MC. He just likes my car because its NEW. I'm sick of SD13 being carted around everywhere in it on the weekends. I'm pretty sure I don't have to worry about DH and AAFF, BUT it just made me feel uncomfortable. And who is he to go out and have fun after I made his heathens dinner? Oh I am just pissy tonight!

AA-cross-gender sponsorship?

AA-cross-gender sponsorship? Okay, I just scanned the post but in all the chapters I've ever visited, that was a flat "no-go." Things might have changed from the early 2000's. I'll go back and read the responses, but dang ... nothing that I read sounds at all like a sober AA sponsorship.

I think you may be feeling a whole lot of smoke blowing up your skirt.

Hope I'm wrong.

Guess I posted too soon. He

Guess I posted too soon. He is not a sponsor but merely a sobriety friend? Too fast on the post button, but I have spent lots of times in AA meetings, lost my dearest brother to suicide so I am perhaps a bit too quick to respond to this issue. Still is failing the smell test a bit. Back to reading.

Still ... meeting another

Still ... meeting another woman, a "needy" woman AND her child with HIS child and leaving you at home? Smell test. Hiding behind the AA silence code is simply throwing up a smokescreen. If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck.

Seriously, Bark ... If I told you that MY SO was meeting up with the widow & her daughter up the road who is having a rough time, and he's bringing his GD-12 with him to go for ice cream and leaving me at home? By including the children this is no-AA style, keep-from-reaching thing. You would have straightened my ass out. This is frickin' social.

Did he at least bring you

Did he at least bring you something back to eat from the ice-cream place?

DH is not AAFF's sponsor, but

DH is not AAFF's sponsor, but they are close. There is DH, AAFF and two other guys that are at the gym together every morning at 530am to work out. DH has always said that AAFF doesn't talk much about her personal life, she didn't even when her husband was dying. I remember DH told me once that he was speaking with AAFF at the gym when her husband was really bad off. DH simply said, "I know this is your break from what's going on at home, but if you ever want to talk...." Which I think is all fine and good.

I feel that because DH knows AAFF through AA, that he thinks it's ok to meet up with her. DH and I are going to a benefit next weekend with some of the AA guys and their wives. But the WIVES will be there. This just hurt yesterday because it happened so quickly with no regard for me and DH was out the door to get ice cream. I do have to admit that I sometimes wonder if he thinks about what life with her would be like. They have a closeness through AA. They all do. The difference is this person is a woman, and he spends more time with her during the week at the gym than he does with me at home.

I guess I am feeling more insecure since the therapy session. Hey at least DH noticed me being cold and distant. Disengagement is working most of the time then. }:) I need to hide the spare keys to my SUV.

~ Moon

I am feeling you. After PPP's

I am feeling you. After PPP's feedback session, I am super sensitive and if a fly farts near me I may need some Xanax so I don't kill it. Your H is an ass though Moon. I don't think you need me telling you that. He has hormonal teenage girls, who need a firm kick up the arse and some family counselling. What they don't need is a happy go lucky father.

Snowblower the driveway.

Snowblower the driveway. Fine.
Meet for ice cream. Not so fine.

If she needs a friend to talk to, she needs to call her sponsor or another female friend. If she's dealing with her husband's death she needs to join a grief group.

Next time he says "I know you don't want to go", reply 'yes, I do. Give me 15 minutes to take a quick shower and change.'

^^This, except... Snowblowing

^^This, except... Snowblowing the driveway WAS fine. Next time, AAFF needs to hire someone or buy her own snowblower. If she's a gym regular, I fail to see why she cannot do it herself.

Oh...Moon...without even

Oh...Moon...without even reading the other replies.

DH going off with SD13 to meet a female friend while you are not present is not, not, not cool! Right then and there, I would have stopped tending to his clothing...would have left it all right there for him! If he came home and asked what was up, I would have said straight up, "I'm not going to clean up after you so you can go run and have ice cream with some SINGLE FEMALE friend!"

I'm still not really happy about what he said in the therapy session...putting you off as the one with the issues and comparing you to his ex MIL! Of course you are cold...they made you that way! I know that story all too well! You do, and do, and do, and do, and you are treated with nothing but disrespect. At some point you break and stop doing! I've been there!

You need to take care of you! Sad to say, I don't see anything in your home getting any better if you stay there!

What he did is so wrong in so

What he did is so wrong in so many ways. He was way too anxious to go, and to me, that's huge red flag.
If my DH did that, I'd be gone before he got back home.
Just reading this has every ounce of my suspicions up. It's just not right...

Miss you GF!

Ok. Just had a talk with DH.

Ok. Just had a talk with DH. We read your posts together. Both of us are furious for you! My DH said the HHog has to go!!!! By the way, we both think you have an incredible writing style and that you should write a book. But anyways.......my DH said that meeting with someone of the opposite sex outside of AA is unacceptable. He said going out in groups is fine. He called this the "thirteenth step". No meeting alone with anyone of the opposite sex for any reason. Period. Dot.
My DH said he would be very upset if I did this, that he would never do this and that yes, this is a "date". She needs to find female friends to go out with and attend grief counseling/groups. Your DH should be at home consoling you for all that he and his daughters have done to you. This is so sad on so many levels and we feel badly for you. He thinks your cold????? Well of course you are! You have a HHog in your home and have to deal with a disrespectful adult kid and a confused 13yo.
Oh, and by the way; princess 19 and her comment about being a chore bitch is not funny. She needs to help out. Seems like you're the only one that cleans and cares for the house. She should be a chore bitch! After all, she is an adult, living there for free, imposing on you and your wishes by bringing a rodent into your home, not staying downstairs, turning her old room into a clothes hamper, leaving windows open causing the house to be hot (your condition makes you sensitive to heat, doesn't it? I have a rare auto-immune disease and I am extrely sensitive to heat due to my condition and my medication so I'm going to assume you are the same).
Fuck her, she deserves to be a chore bitch; stupid princess brat!
OMG Moon, stay strong as best you can. My DH and I are rooting for you.
Take care,
Amber

Thank you, thank you, thank

Thank you, thank you, thank you to each and every one of you. I appreciate all of you so much! I can't believe the clusterfuck that has become my life! I AM going to mention the ice cream "social" to DH tonight. That way if he wants to pull that shit again, he will have been warned!

Thank you, Amber Miller for giving your DH's point of view. I never heard the term "13th Step," but I'm going to throw that in there, too. }:)

To answer advice.only above, yes, the therapist has encouraged us to spend more time alone together as a couple. There just is never any time. We have to make time. I have been working on this a little over the past month. DH and I have run errands together, and we even had lunch out last weekend at my urging. It was nice to get to talk one-on-one.

Like I've said before, I just don't see DH changing his ways because that would mean parenting and disappointing his kids. He is like a third teenager in my home! This past weekend I was compared to batshit crazy Gma, which I am NOT like! DH asked me to be nice to the SDs like I'm nice to my dogs! I shot that down, too, because the dogs aren't a pain in the ass! I don't aim my anger at the SDs like I used to since last year. I have shut down since disengaging. I have told DH this. I have told him I don't interact with the SDs because I only get hurt, and he will usually take their side. So why bother?

I am going to do a budget and see how soon I can get out of here. I don't want to be piss poor, so I will continue to save. I am just crying here a little tonight. I can't even cry anymore because I have no privacy, have to do it in the shower.

Deep breath. I will remain strong and get through this.

~ Moon

You're welcome Moon! I hope

You're welcome Moon! I hope it helps to hear it from my DH's perspective as he has actually read your posts. Oh, and we used to have huge problems with his princess daughter (that's how I found this site). He has catered to her in the past and it's a long story but he totally "gets" it now and completely understands your side. He really did find the HHog situation appalling and believes that your DH let you down, big time.
Our situation was different from yours but it had some of the same elements. He knows what it is like to want to "fix" everything for his daughter (who got into a lot of trouble as an adult), he knows what it's like to try and balance her hatred of me and him wanting me in his life (the bank of daddy closed and princess was off his payroll soon after we got together and she is still mad 9 years later). He knows what it's like to be treated like garbage by his own kid who he bent over backwards to help. He knows what it's like to have his wife (me) point out the problems with his daughter (spoiled, manipulative, entitled, liar, thief, narcissistic, back stabbing and mentally unhealthy). He knows what it's like to be mean to me as he felt he had to defend her (only to later realize that I wasn't far off track with what I was trying to tell him). And finally, he knows what it's like to finally set a boundary, put his foot down and say "no more" to the adult child who stabbed him in the back repeatedly. His opinion of your story is based on his knowledge and what he's learned.
I hope it can provide you some comfort or at least give you the piece of mind that you aren't the one who is crazy or asking too much of your DH and his daughters to help around the house and to treat each other (including you) with respect. Oh yes, how could I forget, he also knows what it's like to be a SF to 3 teenage boys who's father isn't in the picture (like a deceased bio parent).
What you're going through is terrible. You can only do the best you can do. I wish I had the right words to say that would make you feel better but unfortunately I don't. All I can offer is my support and try to share my story with you so you don't feel so alone. Oh, which brings me to the topic of your DH saying that you shouldn't be on this website! The hell you should! You need support and you have a lot of people on here that care about you and are angry for you. You need somewhere to go so you don't go insane. Is your DH worried that the members here will encourage you to leave him? Is he upset that you're creating boundaries and disengaging? What is he afraid of?
I'm hoping that tomorrow brings you a better day with peace and no stress.
Amber

SD19 talked back to me

SD19 talked back to me tonight after zero problems (for the most part) since she's been home. I blew my fuse, let her have it and told her she needed to leave. I locked her out of the house and called DH and the police. New post tomorrow, have to lay low, but SD19 is out of the house. :jawdrop:

~ Moon

Stay strong Moon!

Dup, sorry.

*

So sorry, damn phone

*

The HH? Where did it go? I

The HH? Where did it go?

I hope you're ok. Go to you parents if you need to.

HH is still in the basement.

HH is still in the basement. DH goes out of town tomorrow for a few days. DH said SD19 is never coming back. DH is asleep. Things have calmed down. I was strangely calm through everything.

What's that? Oh shit, I've grown my first ball. Lol. More tomorrow. I need sleep.

~ Moon