About 6 months ago his mother and him moved to across country without either one of them discussing it with my husband. He was so hurt that his son didn't even think to talk to him about it he made it "clear" that he was not coming to live with us when that novelty wore off or him and his mother didn't see eye to eye. I stupidly thought it was settled then. Now with the possibility of another extension I'm thinking otherwise.

On top of that bio mom decided she didn't like the school district they were in so she signed him up for homeschooling. Two months into the school year he still doesn't have the books needed and that's somehow become our burden on yet another decision we didn't make.

I was really happy when he wanted to come for two weeks since I know his dad misses him and wants to spend time with him. I was even happy to agree to the two months when I could see an end.

And it's entirely possible the ex knows the pressure this puts on my husband and my relationship and is trying to ruin our marriage. Before we got married she called him and told him that he was ruining his life and she didn't know how I tricked him into marrying me. And that she always thought they would get back together. We have been together for 6 years! And just recently she texted him to wish him a happy anniversary , not ours, theirs! The witch is delusional and all he can say is I'm with you and I love you, who cares what she says.

Every time I try and talk to him we end up fighting because he says I'm nagging him. He gets defensive and it never ends well. He said he would talk to the ex this weekend and see what the hell was going on, but honestly I doubt it will happen. Mostly because she is infuriating to talk to and he hates having to deal with her. I was planning on a long conversation after that talk. Any suggestions to not immediately put him on the defensive? I can either nag and we fight or be super sweet and nothing changes...

For most of the 6 years we had him every other weekend. Would the sloppiness get my nerves? Sure, but I dealt with it in silence since it was only the weekend. He also lived with us for about 4 months when his mom ran away to Alaska when me and my husband got married. My husband and I fought consistently over the same things as now. My husband stayed on top of him about his grades and issued punishment (no phone) if they weren't good and stuck to it. So when ex came back stepson wanted to back and live with her since there were no rules. It was said then too that he couldn't come back to live with us because husband didn't want him playing them off each other.

Thanks for your replies! I'm going to see what happens this weekend and then plan out a conversation either way. I think your suggestion of using I is a great one since I won't be talking about SS but myself and hopefully that will ease some tension. BM is flying in next week and SS was supposed to fly back with her so a conversation needs to happen between H and BM before then. I can't wrap my head around her thinking that her and SS could make the decision that he's staying here without consulting H. I'm not sure what makes me more mad, her thinking she can make decisions for us or my husband not following through with his words.

Thanks for the responses. I reminded H again he needs to call BM about this mess today because she needs time to get plane ticket. I've just decided I'm going to act like it's decided and a done deal he's going home next week. H hasn't called me out on it yet lol.

Could be I didn't give my H enough credit, could be I was trying to prepare myself for the worst based on previous experiences, but it all came to a head tonight. Me, H, and SS were over at mother in laws for dinner and she asked SS when he was going home.

SS: Not until the end of December
H: uhhh, no, next week. Where did you come up with December?
SS: Mom and I talked about it.
Me: that's great. She doesn't get to make the decisions in our home.
H: yeah, that's not a decision you and your mother get to decide. No one talked to us about to and we decide that.

SS shut down at that point. We said our goodbyes to MIL and about 5 seconds after we get in the car H gets a text from BM asking him to call her so obviously SS had texted her about what just transpired. SS immediately went to bed when we got home.

Once H and I were settled H made the call to BM, on speaker so I could hear the entire convo and let BM know that I was there since it's OUR home. She claimed that SS told her he wanted to stay and she assumed he had spoken to H about it. (I don't believe this and think the two of them think the world revolves around them and whatever they decide is what's going to happen, but whatever.). H told her that he made it clear when the decision was made to move he would not be coming here, etc, etc, everything I said he said and was worried he wouldn't stick to, plus my thoughts on the extension after extension. He said he will talk to SS tomorrow but plan on him flying back with you. BM kept saying over and over that she doesn't want SS feeling like he doesn't have a safe place here and can't stay here. THATS EXACTLY HOW HE NEEDS TO FEEL!! H basically said the same thing, that's what it is, he can't stay here and I made that clear when he moved. He has to deal with the consequences of his decision.

So I'm a happy girl as far as that conversation, but H says he feels like he's in a difficult spot. I can see where he's coming from, but don't sympathize with SS at all. H says he's got to stick to his word but doesn't want SS to feel like he doesn't love him or enjoy when he's here. I told him to tell him he knew the risks of moving and the consequences if he didn't like it there. That he'd be happy for him to visit at Christmas time, but we reap what we sow. Does anyone see fault in that or have any pearls of wisdom?

Thanks again for listening to me bitch!!

I really can't stand this little shit!I wish he was gone NOW! H just spoke to him about him leaving next week and told him he needed to deal with the consequences about not liking it where his mom was. He replied it's not that he didn't like it with his mom, he doesn't like the apartment they're in. My H explained to him how hurtful that was that he was using him as a port to which he replied that's not it. Mom is supposed to move the end of November to a better place so it would just be better to stay here. Is SS really that f*cking stupid?! What the hell did H just say? Now H is upset and I hate it because his son's a great big ass. On top of all that he couldn't even pause his dumb ass video game while H was talking to him! How completely disrespectful can he be?! H didn't tell him to pause it for whatever reason, probably because he wanted to see what an ass him and BM raised. I am counting the days! 6 days!!!