I've given up but it's still frustrating
I stumbled upon this forum today while running some Google searches on step parenting issues etc. and after reading a lot of posts here I actually feel bad for complaining because I've mostly disengaged but it's days like today that I'm just frustrated as all hell.
I've been with my SO/Fiancee for four years. SO has a 17SD and 12DD who live with their mother 100% of the time (I own a house which I had prior to my being with SO - it's two bedroom, two bath and doesn't accomodate two more people). For the first 6mos-1yr of our relationship we did a pretty good job of blending (the kids would come here every other weekend and sleep over - it wasn't ideal for them for sure as they didn't have their own rooms but we were all making a go of it and bonding). More and more, they started to treat my bio DS (11 now) like crap - ignoring his talking to them outright, or answering with one word answers with as much disinterest as possible and generally being rude and resentful to him for no reason. He, especially in the beginning but frankly even now, was so excited to have step-siblings (my DS is an only child). At one point when things were at their worst, he told me they treated him like dog poop on the bottom of their shoes and he wasn't mad at them about it, he was just sad and couldn't understand what he ever did to them. He's only ever been kind and interested in them and they treat him like, well dog poop at the bottom of their shoes.
So I disengaged. No more coming over every other weekend, no more spending time with them every other weekend - SO takes them out on his weekends, goes to eat, sees movies, does whatever else then comes home. I dont begrudge him of time with his kids at all but it's a drag that they have to act like such little jerks that 1. we can't all hang out and 2. I lose every other weekend with SO (he's gone from morning to night - which again, totally understandable).
I didn't go to my SD's 5th grade graduation last year but me and my DS son did go to SS's high school graduation last month. It was as awkward as it sounds, their BM is a bitch who treated her ex/my SO like crap their entire marriage but it's all his fault it fell apart and she hates me and treats him like a child, which he puts up with. Up until that graduation last month, my DS and I hadnt seen the BM in the four years I've been with my SO.
I guess I'm just venting about the whole situation. They are 99% removed from my and my DS's life but every now and again we all hang out and it's tense and painful because they treat my DS like he doesnt exist. Like today we are stuck with my SD because my SS and his BM are out of town at college orientation so she's sleeping over at ours. She's quick to say "no" to anything my DS asks to do or want to do together, is a snot (but everyone likes to call is "sassy"!), inturrupts when my SO and I are talking, is clingy and generally annoying and rude. SD and SS both remind me of their BM - entitiled, snotty, rude, dismissive and generally unpleasant. And today, I'm hiding in my bedroom "doing homework" (I've gone back to school on top of being a mom and full time worker) while my SD sits on her iPhone in the living room and SO runs around doing chores silently as if this makes up for how cruddy the whole situation is and my DS is in his room doing his own thing (I'd take him out of the house but he is under the weather at the moment).
I just want to shake both SD and SS and say "you both could have this great relationship into adulthood with my DS who just wants to have a nice relationship with you - what is so wrong with both of you that you don't want that?" I look forward to SS moving far away for college and SD being generally tied up with whatever she does that we really won't see much of them, even less than now. BM is still single after all these years and I think that makes her even more miserable than she would be otherwise.
That's my story. After writing it out it sounds as if I dont have it nearly as bad as so many stories here considering I dont have to see the Skids much but I so related to hiding in my room, which I've done so many times... in my own home. And it pisses me off at how shabby they treat my DS.
Thanks for reading.
Sorry, should be SO has a DS
Sorry, should be SO has a DS 17 and DD 12 (above I said SD 17 instead of DS 17)
I should also mention that during those early days when things were good, I did SO MUCH for the Skids (paid for international vacations, first class seats, clothes, things they needed, birthday gifts, etc.). My or my DS birthday roll around? No acknowledgement - no text message, no nothing. I've obviously stopped all of the above in light of how they took, took, took and found it too difficult to give (AKA just be thankful or kind). I did give my SS a $100 Target gift card for graduation for dorm supplies - not even a thank you. Why do I even try? BM, SS, SD just live in their own bubble.
Why does your husband let his
Why does your husband let his kids act like a-holes?
I'm glad that you are able to keep your son away from them most of the time, but disapointed that no one seems to be telling this kids to treat others with respect. It sounds very fustrating to be in that situation, even if your interactions are infrequent.
My guess is his children
My guess is his children resent your child because he gets an actual room and more of a normal life with their dad. I'm sure his kids are flawed but what kind of father doesn't insist on finding housing that will have an extra bedroom for his kids to share when they visit regularly? That should have been part of the deal before you two blended.
I agree
their dad didn't include them in the home so they didn't act like they belonged in the home. Dad barely sees them and their stepbrother has their dad as a full time parental figure while dad acts as their "fun uncle" at best.
Sharing wasn’t an option
Sharing wasn’t an option unfortunately - this was discussed at a few points in the last four years (moving out to get a place he could have with the kids). They told him they weren’t interested in sharing a room before he even moved in with me in fact and he can’t afford a 3-bd (BM makes more and lives in a different part of town to be able to afford it even with making more). From the beginning of SO’s split they didn’t really seem interested in living with SO every other week and in addition to everything I wrote I also left out that they treat SO in a similar manner as BM treats SO - again before we even started dating. There is some BM behaviour rubbing off on the kids in general. Hard to put into words on a message board. Complicated like most everyone’s stories here.
So what! They are 17 and 12,
So what! They are 17 and 12, not little kids. Dad should be telling them that it's unacceptable to treat other people like crap just because they have something that you think you want. He is failing his kids but they are old enough to know exactly what little asses they are being.
Welcome to the site! The
Welcome to the site! The flavour of the interactions you describe sounds a lot like my own experience. I have 2 considerably older kids than my step daughters, I tried so hard in the early days with the latter, but to no avail because their vile BM taught them to hate me. Every other weekend when the SDs would stay, I was basically on my own while DH did things with them. If I tried to join in, younger SD wouuld sabotage the day. I disengaged after about 18 mths of this crap, and have remained so for the last 17 yrs! The SDs stopped coming over in about 2013/4, thank goodness, and since then, life is a lot better. Plus my DH had a bit of a Eureka moment and realised how awful they'd been to me for the last decade + and how he hadn't had my back.
Like you, I just wanted everyone to get along - not perfectly, but well enough. But unless the two bio parents give their offspring "permission" to have a relationship with step parents, it's not going to happen. You can read about this and other interesting phenomena in the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin.
I'm confused - does SO live
I'm confused - does SO live with you, but just takes the kids all day for two days in a row when he has them for the weekend?
Good for you for protecting your son from them, too many people seem to put their kids in a crap situation because they love the man and want to marry/live with them. I hope you aren't planning to move in together and have a room for them, nothing is worth your DS being mistreated by these kids. At least he understands that he didn't do anything wrong to deserve it.
But why does your SO let them treat your DS that way? I assume he's one of those fathers who can only be a "pal" because he doesn't see them much and doesn't want to rock the boat.
I could not have any respect for a man who effectively abandoned
his own kids with a living arrangement that did not accomodate them. I get it, your job to care about your kid. But this arrangement was unworkable from the getgo.
Kids are raised to be
Kids are raised to be assholes or not. My dad didn't have a room for me after my parents divorced. I slept on the couch when I visited. I never resented his GF's kids or treat others like shit because of it.
I would be upset with my BF for allowing his kids to be assholes.
And out of the other side of
And out of the other side of my mouth from my last post, I feel this way too.
Thank you for your replies -
Thank you for your replies - I’m completely realistic about what his kids may feel about the whole thing and I agree with 99% of everyone’s thoughts. There are a few factors at play here by which are nuances in any situation like this, money being a big one. I don’t disagree especially on the general sentiment here about how his kids feel about the situation but take it out on my son. You’re likely spot on there and in fact this has been commented on by me to SO. He feels he has an amazing relationship with his kids (he has them every other weekend + dinner once a week + he drives his DD to school everyday and yeah that’s not enough especially when they know he lives with me and my DS) so what else can I say? In the past I’ve told him “maybe it’s better if you get your own place with you and the kids but they don’t want to share a room (Which I get) and he likely couldn’t afford a three bedroom anywhere near here/town.
Someone asked about him talking to them about it: He’s tried to talk to both of them about their behavior and it falls flat or goes denied which is not going to get us to a place where things can be worked on.
I think...
you need to sit down with your stepkids and fiancee and say something to the tune of, "if you ever want to come here again, you need to treat me and your stepbrother with respect. For example, A, B, and C. Otherwise, you are not welcome here." I put up with that crap from ss22 for 14 years, and it has only gotten worse. I thought by killing him with kindness, he would eventually come around. Nope. Do not accept disrespect from those kids. You and your son are not 100% disengaged unless you have zero contact. This is not a healthy situation. That is why you are venting. Just my two cents, now that I finally see the reality of my situation.
This is up to your SO to parent his kids
What he is not doing. He should of had that talk with his kids years ago. That they had to respect his SO and her family. But instead of parenting his kids to be people he takes them out alone. He is your real problem. Not the SK.
I talked to my SO about this
I talked to my SO about this (again but far more seriously this time - I’ve brought this up in the past but this time I didn’t let him assure me that “everything is fine between me and my kids”) in great detail after thinking about some things said here. Im a strong willed person so I wasn’t going to let him off the hook this time after seeing so much advice from people who’ve seemingly learned a thing or two about this subject.
I told him he should get an every-other-weekend place for him and SD - SS is off to college in the fall and he’s going to have to find a different way to make amends for any feelings he has about everyone’s living situation the last 4 years. SD has six years left come fall. That will pass in the blink of an eye and he needs to not lose these years. School drop off every day, his weekends and Wednesday’s on both weeks isn’t enough. He needs to make his 50/50 work.
With all that being said, does anyone have thoughts on this question? After these 4 years, will it be disruptive to have his DD go from full time with BM to 50/50? I don’t think so but I’m asking for my own curiosity - I think his DD being able to do this would be not smooth at first but be best in the long run. His DD is like her BM and they both do a whole lot of staring at phone while sitting next to each other in the same room (he is not like this, I can see rules being different in each house). Do we think SO will run into going through this whole process of getting a second place and all the costs that go along with it only to have BM/DD reject this idea shortly thereafter? Yes there are divorce papers that day 50/50 to be clear.