I'm lost!
I'm a mother of 9yr old girl and soon to be SM of 8yr old boy. This has been my life for the past 4 yrs. I'm so lost on what to do. My SS's behavior is ridiculous. Constantly cussing and I mean dropping the fbomb every other word, lying, throwing fits when he doesnt get his way or what he wants. He expects me to clean up after him and if I ask him to clean up he rolls his eyes, back talks, and cusses me out under his breath. He runs around the house out of control screaming and yelling g at all times. No quiet time. You ask him to stop and he continues to do it. He likes to take things that aren't his. Especially money. Anything that goes missing is most likely in his room. His BM is in and out of his life and has been. She comes around every couple weeks takes him for an hr to out to eat and then again doesnt show up for a while. I've been mom. Doing everything she should be doing as a mom and I've been doing it for so long. I'm stressed out completely and dont know what to do. My soon to be DH sometimes disciplines him but he gives in pretty much all the time. Undermines me when he thinks I'm not looking or listening. Hes a good man and really good to my daughter but he just a push over when it comes to his son. My SS sits there and tells everyone I'm the evil stepmother and that's only cause in my house there are rules and if broken comes consequences. Electronics taken away and being grounded. My soon to be in laws allow my SS to talk back to them and be rude to them. I was raised to respect your elders not to talk to them disrespectfully. Now when my SS is around other people hes acts like a prince so whatever I say about him makes me look like the bad guy. He says I'm not his parent so I cant tell him what to do and he doesnt have to listen to me and I'll never be his mom he says. I now hide away from my SS when I'm at home cause my anxiety and stress level go thru the roof. I've tried talking to him, talking to my soon to be DH, tried being there for him cause his mom isnt which I know had a lot to do with it but I'm not getting anywhere and no one is helping me. I've been in tears too many times to count but I dont want to give up because I do love my SS and our family. My daughter sees all this. Shes not perfect either but she behaves way more respectfully than what he does. She knows better cause I've raised her to have respect for others. I just dont know what to do anymore.
Your soon-to-be husband is an
Your soon-to-be husband is an inconsistent, weak, ineffective parent. Just like his parents. It won't get better until Daddy learns how to actually parent. Or you give up and let Daddy do everything, ignore the chaos, and concentrate solely on your daughter.
Why do you want to make your daughter live with this child?
Why do you want to make your daughter live with this child? Things are only going to get worse as he gets older. If this man is that important to you, keep dating him, but don't marry him and subject your daughter to a life of chaos.
Welcome to the site!
Do you really want to marry this man? Who parents so ineffectually that you feel you must stay out of his out-of-control 8 yr old's way? Most fathers would come down like the wrath of god on the head of their child if he swore at their partner. Please put your wedding on hold, at least until your fiance has been to some parenting classes and actually learned some techniques to deal with this intolerable behaviour. If he doesn't, what do you imagine SS8 is going to be like when he's 14? Do you really want to subject not only yourself, but your poor daughter, to this kind of thing?
Absolutely no way would I
Absolutely no way would I subject myself, or my kid, to a lifetime of this.
This kid has serious issues and his dad doesn't want to do a thing about it.
Why on Earth would you
Why on Earth would you voluntarily marry this failed man, failed father and failed husband? He has proven himself a failure. He is the creator of this POS pelvic ejecta, enables his POS kid's crap. You are serving your own child up to this toxic polluted gene pool. What the hell is wrong with you?
Move, get your young daughter out of there and rescue her from any further exposure to this shallow and polluted gene pool.
smh
See, he may be a "good man"
See, he may be a "good man" in that he doesn't beat you or rob banks, or do drugs or sleep around - but he's not a good father, which is part of being a good man. And he's not a good husband either, because he makes you parent his kid and then undermines you when you do it. He makes the whole house live in chaos because he's afraid to parent his kid.
Marriage counseling is next on the horizon, after that - divorce. Don't put your kid through this anymore.
You are showing you daughter
You are showing you daughter that it's okay to be treated disrespectfully. Thnk about that Not only does this CHILD treat you disrespectually, but your "good man" allows it. And that's what your daughter is seeing as normal.
Pretty sure I'd be moving out until this man can consistently parent his out of control son. He needs parenting classes, and that boy needs to be evaluated. You can still date him if you want to, but I'd have zero respect for a man that allowed an 8 year old to curse at me. Hell no. .
Parenting classes may be a
Parenting classes may be a good idea. My DH did one soon after we got together. I suggested it to him not because I thought he needed to learn to be a better parent but just because he needed to see that he was a good parent and doing all the things people think good parents do. He found it really helpful.
I also started going to a parenting course (it was cheap and if there was a chance of learning something then great) and I thought it was worthwhile. Apart from anything else it was a chance to share frustrations and see that you're not the only one dealing with these issues.
I'm happy to finally not be
I'm happy to finally not be the only one who thinks I should leave. I felt guilty before cause I was really trying to be there for this boy and help him. Trying to teach him different. But lately I've been wanting to leave. I've realized I never can help him if I don't have soon to be growing a pair and backing me up. And you are all right. My daughter doesn't need to grow up thinking this is how a man treats the woman he claims he loves. I wish I can wake him up with an altemaydem (probably spelled that wrong) but I don't think that'll work.
Not all rescue projects can
Not all rescue projects can be saved, including kids of the shallow and polluted gene pools of idiot parents.
Even with the best efforts of quality SParents.
You can not do more then the parents
The bio parents as your DH dose not have your back in trying. To teach SS anything. Yes it's time to leave. Because DH is not going to change. SS is only going to get worst as he gets older.
Your Man Is Engaging In Compensatory Behavior Due To Guilt
& he feels sorry for this miserable child he sired, so he feels compelled to let him run wild like a rabid animal without repercussion. Even The Bible tells us that parents who LOVE their children DISCIPLINE THEM, and those who do not love don't.
This will not get better, and you run the risk of your daughter falling off the band wagon and joining in as she will learn (if she hasn't already) "Why do I need to behave and be respectful when he does what HE wants and GETS WHATEVER HE WANTS?"
I know it's a tough spot to be in, but please, you haven't taken the plunge yet, think this through very thoroughly for the sake of your daughter and yourself.
Maybe counselling for DH
Maybe counselling for DH would help. I was also wondering if he felt guilty about his son. Maybe his parents were very authoritarian and he doesn't want to repeat their mistakes so is going too far in the other direction. If you're constantly taking the flack from this kid then your OH is probably not going to realise how bad things are for him/with him. Take a step back somehow (easier said than done if he lives with you) and just defer to DH if you can. Let him see how difficult he is and then maybe he'll want to help.
Having said that, parenting needs to be a partnership and if you're having to step back to let DH see how bad things are for you, then it doesn't sound like much of a partnership.
limp dick
Sound slike your soon to be husband has no dick. I would run now if I were you.