Disengaging and Withholding Day-to-Day information

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I need to make sense of things in my head.

So it has been since May 19th since SD has been in our home and that is fine. Normally there would be lots of coorespondence between BM and DH even for things simple has a medical bill. So in the beginning of the last couple months I made it clear that I was to some level disengaging and the couple times DH brought up BS from his daughter I may have rolled my eyes knowing everything he was saying was a lie from his daughter to him. So it has been quiet, and I wonder what isn't being said because normally DH would tell me everything that was being said between him and BM so the quiet seems offputting to me.

Two weeks ago he brought the extra AC unit over to BM's house and said nothing else to me about it. Then we are talking this weekend and I am talking about how all the shitty people I know such as BM or my brother's ex-wife never seem to get what it coming to them. As in KARMA never actually strikes them and they get away with their antics forever.

DH then spoke up and said, "well after 14 years I think karma is finally coming for BM, they have to move (WAIT WHAT, THEY DON'T live in the place they did and now you are telling me this? As this was all I could think for the rest of the conversation because normally he tells me everything) and she isn't traveling for work anymore (at least I think since SD has refused to come to our home) so maybe it took this for her to finally have to step up and be a parent."

I quickly went into a place of "Why didn't you tell me she moved" and he responsed "Well everything related to them as of late makes you mad and I don't need to bother you with things that don't really matter" and I responded " So now I have to believe you are hiding shit from me" and he was snarky saying "Believe what you want" so then I just sat there for a bit and wondered what else he hasn't told me, what other things perhaps actually important things he is witholding in order to "protect me"

He then spent the rest of the day making sure I was okay, asking if I was mad at him, asking if I trusted him and I said "maybe but you are always so open with me and now you are starting to withhold information from me" and he responsed "well I hope I can prove to you I am trustworthy"

I know the fact that BM and SD moved doesn't at this moment directly affect me but the witholding does. I know I said I was disengaging and I should be happy that he isn't bringing every issue to me, but now I worry about lines of communication and that this is causing issues for me and DH.

Anxiety is a bitch and this causes me to be MORE anxious thinking I have no idea what is happening. Because you know what I think when I hear that BM is now renting a big single family house is that soon the papers to court will come and she will want more money with SD refusing to come to our home and she wants DH to cover the up-charge in her rent.

I think your anxiety is

I think your anxiety is creating a situation in which your DH can't win.

I agree

Disengaged means it doesn’t concern you one bit where BM and SD live. It doesn’t affect you at all. Who cares?

Step way back. Retrain yourself. Whenever you DH brings up BM, replace her name with some one else. Like Cher. Would you care where Cher lived or if she moved? No because it doesn’t matter.

But the road YOU are heading down is going to lead you to misery. Stop it if you want to be happy. You can’t be disengaged and still care. You have to figure out how to step back.

"Disengaged means it doesn’t

"Disengaged means it doesn’t concern you one bit where BM and SD live. It doesn’t affect you at all. Who cares?"

This 150%!

I found the best way to not care what they are doing is to have my own interests, happy life and self esteem. If I had a problem in one of those areas, I worked on it. I am too busy living my happy life to care what they do.

I get how you're feeling

I had to stop talking about the skids, asking questions, anything really, because DH would get uppity and defensive no matter what I asked or said. So I disengaged. I didn't tell him. I just stopped. It was hard because I did wonder what I was missing since I like to know what's coming and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It took me a while to get over wondering what I wasn't being told and to realize the "other shoe" is not MY shoe, it's DH's shoe. There were only certain instances where I really needed something that could be affected by skids and I let my plans be known and what I expected.

And I learned 2-3 months ago that I should stay disengaged (mainly from DH). I made one small comment about a skid. I don't even remember what it was but DH took it badly when it wasn't meant that way. He told me we were getting along so well and I had to ruin it. (I thought we were getting along better and things were calm enough I could say something innocuous, silly me.) So I stopped completely.

If I decide to make dinner I only plan for me, DH, and DS if he will be around. I don't ask if they will be around, I do my thing as if their lives have nothing to do with mine. I'm not rude or anything. I chat with the skids when they are around but I ask them directly about stuff and do not talk to DH about them. It's really DH who is the volatile one.

Just the other night DH made some comment about the skids being at the house soon. I said oh, I didn't know they were coming. He asked if I had gotten enough food to also feed them. I said: we'll see, since I only knew about the three of us. DH seems to be getting a clue since the skids are not here regularly (most times he has no idea why they aren't around if he thought they should be) that he cannot "blame" me for not considering them especially if he had no clue.

wow I could have written alot

wow I could have written alot of your post.

I have also noticed since I'm working so hard on disengaging that he mentions BM and skids way less. He used to tell me every detail....he has stopped.....so I can totally relate. I go about my business and don't mention them.....sometimes they show up and sometimes they don't. whatevs

I think that's where I'm

I think that's where I'm living currently is waiting for the shoe to drop. because it's always been something and for to be this quiet makes me nervous.

Just remember

it's not your shoe. You don't have to pick it up, put it on, or put it away.

Also remember that disengaged people don't stop being observant or having opinions, and they do roll their eyes, they just do so from a distance and in a detached manner like they are watching Ernest Becomes a Stepparent.

If you have clearly disengaged it makes sense

Your husband would keep this to himself because disengaging means you don’t give a crap about anything. Ss break his arm while at mums, hubby goes to hospital on his own, why would you care as you aren’t caring for him or concerned about him because he has never been pleasant to be around.

bad grades at school and gets arrested, well you don’t give a shit.

same thing if you have disengaged because of hcgubm with narcissism and pas. Now suddenly you are blaming hubby which makes him conflicted and feel guilt which shouldn’t be there because he did the right thing in not telling you

part of disengaging is telling hubby wou don’t want to be informed of anything, that skids are disrespectful and not pleasant to be around, them and bio mum do not respect your boundaries and privacy so you have disengaged and do not want to be at family events they will be present at. If there is a family event those people will be at, all hubby does it tell you so you have option to go or not to

please don’t get shitty at your hubby about not telling you about skid because this will become a manipulative tactic from you. Its like you say you’re disengaged hoping he goes to cut off contact with skid or goes over and above for you knowing he is in a tough position juggling his relationship with you and his kid and the shenanigans of exwife etc but you so called disengaging is really a manipulative tactic hoping he tells you all the nitty gritty.

my in laws actually ask me about the skid shenanigans because they are appalled about it. I tell the facts when questioned and that i do not involve myself in their meet ups or issues, hubby can manage that dysfunction and high conflict away from me

I don't think I disengaged

I don't think I disengaged because I didn't or don't give a crap, I am working on it because I care too much and there is nothing I can do to make the situation better

Its hard in the beginning huN

Believe me it took me at 3.5 yrs being married to start working towards disengagement and at the 4 yr mark i put my foot down with hubby. I felt tossed to the side with my kids and that hubby jumped through hoops for them but us friggin nothing it felt. He had no time for us and made excuses and suddenly skids last minute want him and bam instant available

my breaking point came when hubby told me to book a holiday for our 4th wedding anniversary hotel airfares and all and 3 skids were coming along. The same 3 skids who have been nothing but disrespectful, nor respected my boundaries or privacy, shunned me, never been pleasant to be around and called me and my 2 kids with hubby strangers and that skids said they were incapable of affection to their half siblings.

you get to a point when you have self worth and say i friggin deserve better than these arseholes

if its ss birthday and we are at a restaurant and hubby orders a cake and staff sing hapoy birthday, i just sit there and mind my kids and continue eating dinner. Heck if skids can’t acknowledge their own dads birthday then why should I acknowledge theirs

I suppose I'm also concerned

I suppose I'm also concerned that the longer I disengage and that he may start to resent me for this. BM was his first marriage but he had a son who he had full custody of because his son's mother died. His son's teenage years were very difficult and he acted out on his stepmother and she made him decide between her or his son. Well I would never make him choose between me and his daughter I sometimes feel by disengaging and his need and want to make me happy and that it may appear to be that way. So I try not to fully pretend she doesn't exist when she's not with us because I worry he's going to think I'm a bad person.

I suppose I'm also concerned

"Made him choose between her

"Made him choose between her and his son" may have been her last option if the kid was mistreating her and DH wasn't doing enough to fix it.

You don't have to pretend she doesn't exist - just think of her as HIS problem, like a work colleague he's having issues with. You can listen and be supportive, but you don't get upset if he doesn't tell you the work colleague moved his desk because well, it's not that important to you. You can learn to be supportive without getting overly involved emotionally in the issues. It really does help if you can get there.

From my understanding from

From my understanding from multiple people not just DH is that his ex-wife wasn't going to be happy until his son was either out of the house or killed himself. The one thing about DH is that he has never been at Disney dad and he's never been delusional about his children's behavior.

Disengaging is a process; it

Disengaging is a process; it takes time to make the inner changes necessary to detach from skid-related drama. It can be hard and uncomfortable, but as Aunt Agatha said, you have to retrain yourself.

You backslid, and lost your self mastery for a minute. It happens. But you owe your DH an apology for flipping out on him for only doing what you told him to do. I too went through the anxious phase of waiting for the other shoe to drop, but you have to stay the course and continue to detach from other people's problems if you want things to get better. It gets better with time, especially if you fill your life up with other, more positive things.

Thank you everyone!

Trust me I want to be further evolved in this process than I am. I make no excuses I just felt it's easier to vent here than just have an anxiety induced diarrhea of the mouth with him. I get it, I want to not give a shit I really really do. I worry about DH'S mental health a lot too so it always concerns me that if something goes down he won't talk a out it and I know I'm not his therapist but I'm the only one at this time he will talk to about this.

I'm trying ...everyday

You can be completely

You can be completely disengaged and still pretend to listen to your DH. Letting him vent while you insert an Mmm or Uh Huh for a bit before changing the subject, or making bland passive comments like "That's too bad" or even an "That must be hard for you" allows you to be physically present while emotionally checked out. You just need to take a mental deep breath and remind yourself that he's talking about other people who have nothing to do with you, and turn that inner knob to "Don't engage".

You said you were disengaged.

You said you were disengaged. DH was doing what you wanted. This whole story is contradictory and I kind of feel bad for your DH right about now

DH doesn't know that I am

DH doesn't know that I am "disengaged" as the wording of that never comes up. It's more he knows that if and when she is in our home I am not driving her places, picking her up, cooking special meals, being her therapist for 2-3 hours per day etc. There was never discussion between us about me not being involved with what is going on with him or day to day stuff. He was deciding not to "bother me with things" because the one time he was talking about SD and I simply stated "everything she is telling you is a lie" and I was annoyed so he took that and ran with it. But I never asked him once not to talk about her or to keep me in the loop. He made that decision on his own.

What BM and SD does is not in your control

It’s not in DH control either. That the hard part. If SK come over, DH has to go shopping for food, He set the schrdual He does the work, about the food and supply’s for them. If he does not insist on SD coming for visitation, and CS goes up. DH has to find a part time job to pay for the exter CS.

He is the one who controlling the what going on, he paids for it. You stop making it easy for DH. You don’t give up thing for DH actions

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Disengaging and Withholding Day-to-Day information