Step Kids May Not Move In With Us
Hello to all! Me and my SO have been together for 2 years now and we still have separate homes . We would really like to live together within the year and share our lives in every way. My SO has 50/50 shared custody of his kids (one week on then one week off). On the weeks he doesn't have the kids he lives with me and my kids who I have primary custody of. I recently started spending the weekends at his home when he has his kids in order to allow them to get to know me better. He has three daughters 18, 16 and 14 as well as one son who will be 11. His kids are very distant to me and despite my efforts have not accepted me. They are not overtly rude to me but they often ignore me and not even say hi.
We are planning to sell his home and renovate mine in order to accommodate his children. My children like my SO very much and are on board with his kids moving in. Me and my SO are concerned that his kids may not want to live with us and instead chose to live with their mom full time. This would break my SO's heart and cost him dearly since he already pays a pretty penny in child support even though he has them 50/50. We don't plan to move in together for another 9 to 12 months but we are starting to make plans. I asked my SO what he will do if his kids decide not to move in with us. He said that he would be upset, hurt and angry by their decision but he would still proceed. I am sure how I feel about that decision in terms of whether I would be able to accept that scenario or whether I would feel like I was making him chose between his kids and me. On one hand, I don't think that we should have to put our lives on hold for several years because of teenage kids especially when they have no good reason for not liking me or accepting the situation. I am not trying to be their "parent" but rather I am just trying to be a good role model and possibly a friend to them. I am not in their face nor am I demanding or unkind to them in any way. They simply don't like the idea that their dad is with somebody other than their mom. On the other hand, I don't know if I would proceed with moving in together if they didn't come because I would feel badly for my SO who says he would still proceed but be hurt by their decision. Has anyone experienced this kind of problem and would you still move in together if your SO's kids would not cooperate?
OP also has four kids.
OP also has four kids.
Her plan she mentioned in
Her plan she mentioned in April was:
"In terms of blending, we had planned on his kids moving into my house and renovating the basement to give his kids their SEPARATE living unit complete with kitchen. They are 10, 13, 15 and 18. The one will be leaving for school this coming Sept! "
I wonder if making her skids live in their own basement apartment separately from their father and the rest of the 'family', might be why she's afraid maybe the skids will want to not come the 50/50 anymore. *shrugs*
Maybe since y'all have been
Maybe since y'all have been together for a couple years, but you really only started hanging around for longer periods more recently they're still adjusting.
Hopefully this is the case and that win the 9-12 months until the move y'all can find a way to make it work and peaceful for everyone. Good luck! I hope it's nothing more than an adjustment period.
BINGO!!!!!!
BINGO!!!!!!
On the one hand I am not one
On the one hand I am not one to let anyone or anything interfere with the relationship between my bride and I and our son (my SS-23, adopted last year by me at his request). I am committed to that philosophy to the point that I made destruction of the Sperm Clan my primary hobby for the 16+ years we lived under our Custody/Visitation/Support order. Anytime they so much as twitched out of compliance with the CO I brought every possible legal, financial, and social consequence I could bring to bear down on them to make their lives a living hell. It worked well to minimize their influence on my family and to keep them under control.
That said... then there is the other hand. I chose to become my son's father when his mom chose to marry me. We started dating when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. He was young. If he had been a teen, from the perspective of hindsight of having observed the drama that has been experienced by many in this community and other SParent/Blended Family communities I am not sure if I would choose the life of a Sparent until my intended partner's teen/tween spawn had progressed to adulthood. If I did choose to enter a marriage/equity life partnership with a partner with teens/tweens I would adopt the same perspective of complete destruction of anyone who interfered with that relationship including my partners spawn if they made the mistake of choosing to be toxic to my relationship.
If you cannot hold your SO and his teen kids to that expectation then I suggest you forego or at least delay moving in together for another decade or so.
This decision will not only impact you, it will impact your children who should take precedent over your partners potentially toxic spawn.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Thanks for all the comments :
Thanks for all the comments : )....It is a tough decision. We are thinking about having the SK's live in a newly renovated basement apartment so they can have privacy and not feel expected to "blend". My SO would spend most of his time with them in the basement when they are here every other week. He may or may not sleep upstairs with me. I also prefer to have a separate living area so my kids' privacy can be respected especially if SK's are not acting friendly.
We would like to move in together not just because we want to share a life together and also for financial reasons. At the moment, we both own our own homes and pay all expenses twice. He keeps his house even though the SK's only live there half the time since SO lives with me every other week when the SK's live with their mom. All three of us live in the same district, a 3 minute driving radius. SK's would go to the same schools. SO's daughter is going to university in September and will be living away. My SO really needs to cut costs in order to save tuition dollars so I guess in all seriousness, a significant reason for moving in is financial. If we don't move in together, the SK's may not be able to attend university if they don't pay the tuition fees themselves. SO makes too much money for the SK's to receive student financial assistance yet he cannot afford it because he pays so much in child support. The system is really screwed! I wish his SK's knew that if they didn't behave well and move in, they won't receive any financial assistance from their dad because he won't be able to afford to pay. Sometimes, I wish they would have to work and struggle to pay their tuition fees by themselves! I imagine this topic will come up when he announces they are moving in soon.
Basically, by allowing my SK's to move in, I am helping their dad to pay their tuition fee by saving money in mortgage, heat/hydro/taxes etc. Of course, he would contribute to half of my expenses but there will still be a significant savings which will allow him to put the money towards the kids education.
Btw I do have 5 kids. I
Btw I do have 5 kids. I mentioned 4 because my oldest son is almost 20 and lives away since he is doing his electrical apprenticeship. I know that is a lot of kids between the both of us ...9! I hear that all the time and I sometimes try not to mention that because of people's reactions. I am a midwife and love big families lol! One of the things that I found attractive about my SO was the way he is such an amazing parent and adores my kids. My kids also love him dearly. That was a real relationship deal breaker for me. I needed a man who really loved children and would be a good role model/Step Father figure for my kids.