if he's deleting texts then that's a big deal. Why would he do that? My guess is that he knows that you look at the phone or he is hiding them from you.

Emotional attachments to ppl in our lives can interfer with our regular relationships. Sounds as if he's got some issues he needs to work on. You pretending to be oblivious is nuts to me. I always speak my peace!! I have to or I'll blow up!

How much is too much? Whatever the people involved say it is.

Look, some parents exchange a lot of info about their child. They're both very involved, good parents. I coach soccer, and I saw a divorced couple like that - they both showed up to every game, they had civilized conversation (not personal - civil) and they both put their kid's needs ahead of their own feelings. *shrug* It worked for them, and I suspect that any SO who came into the picture for either of them would have to either be fine with it or bow out.

Other parents have virtually zero contact. They do not discuss the child at all, each parents on their own time and takes the view "My house, my time. Your house, your time." There are some like that on these boards, and for those people having zero contact is the ONLY way to make it work.

So for you, "enough" means one thing. For your SO and for BM, "enough" means something different. You and SO need to sit down and AGREE on what "enough" looks like. That does NOT mean you get to dictate to him. It does NOT mean that you are right, or that he's right. It means the two of you have to figure out TOGETHER what both of you can live with. Maybe that means you have to take a good hard look at why your "enough" is less than his. Why does it bother you? Is there some other way you could be bothered less? And yes, he also has to take a good hard look at his definition and see if there's any give there. But you guys both - BOTH - need to stop trying to be "right" about what constitutes "enough".

The deleting of texts would concern me far more than the number of texts. I'd be concerned about the number of them also, maybe, depending of the number of kids and their ages, and how much parenting time each has...frequent drop-offs/pick-ups, school activities, illnesses, etc all can be reasons for more contact.

You have to either discuss this with him, or move on, and of course if you don't like what comes from the discussion you might be moving on anyway. If you leave it alone, it will erode your relationship. Bring up the phone bill. "I was cleaning off the table and ran across your phone bill. I know it was nosy of me but I looked at it and saw that you text BM an awful lot. I am really hurt by this and need you to explain to me why there's so much contact." If he blows up about your invading his privacy, let him go.

My DH used to delete BM's texts. Not because anything was going on, but because every time I saw that she had text him, I would throw a fit. So in an effort to avoid fights, he'd delete her texts. When I finally told him off about it, he stopped doing it. But I also stopped bitching and moaning every time she text.
Her texts were always incredibly derogatory and she would speak to my DH as if SHE was his wife. It used to burn my ass something FIERCE. Thankfully, she's pretty much left us alone because I guess she got sick of my DH ignoring her stupid ass.

I saw an internet meme. It said you don't to read the messages. You just need to grab his phone and run to the bathroom and lock the door in front of him. If he tries kicking down the door, he's cheating!

OP cannot just make a decision to "trust" her BF. He needs to exhibit trustworthiness.

He may be deserving of trust - but how the hell is she supposed to know that when he is hiding stuff? Some men hide stuff because they are cheating assholes - other because they are just too stupid to understand the message that conveys.

I told my DH from the getgo--I'd rather be a bitch than stupid. I do spot checks every so often because I can't say with certainty that he will recognize he's crossing a line until he is actually over it (people caught up in the middle of things often do) and HELL if I'm the last person to find out.

A friend of mine was so against this that she stopped talking to me for a few months because she was all "How could you do that, I could NEVER invade his privacy like that, I trust my boyfriend 100%" etc. Yeah. Then one day she calls me crying saying that her boyfriend, the one she wants to marry and trusts so completely, is still paying for his ex-wife's tuition and rent which he never told her about and she only found out by looking at his email. She didn't even know they were still exchanging emails daily and she'd been with him for two years.

Of course, DH agreed to my terms of no secrets and spot checks, and it works both ways. He can go through my stuff any time. Our agreement is that if anything makes either person uncomfortable, then we don't continue doing it. That was our promise to each other when we started dating. We both agree that just because you have the right (to talk to your ex), doesn't make it right. If your BF can't handle that, and you can't handle knowing it increases the risk he might be doing something behind your back if you don't check, then perhaps you guys aren't meant to be together.

(And people talk to me about morals but, I've been close to black-out drunk before, and although I'm usually straightlaced about things, drunk me has less inhibitions than I do. All I have to do is ask them about their drunken escapades and they all go quiet. Morals and values can be shifted with mind-altering substances, as they can be with situations. So, to me, prevention is always the best medicine.)