I have been "lurking" these forums for a while now, reading posts, and breathing a sigh of relief that there are other people out there that feel the EXACT same way that I am feeling but now I am feeling the need for some good old fashioned advice from others who have "been there, done that".

Trying to keep the story short, I am not currently married but consider myself some sort of step-mother. In my previous marriage (who other issue) I was the step-mother to 3 pretty terrific children who I continue to have a relationship with, the oldest being married and with children and the youngest in highschool. I felt like I was a good stepparent to them while I was in the relationship with my exhusband and they totally respected me, we had fun together, etc. While I was in that marriage I had 2 children, both who had a genetic disease which both eventually passed away from. Now I have no living children of my own. When my daughter was 1 year old my exhusband and I split up and eventually divorced and I lived single for many years taking care of my daughter while she was with me.

I met my fiance almost a year before she passed away and I thought I had hit the jackpot. He was a kind and caring man (still can be) who certainly exceeded my expectations with me and my daughter knowing her condition and how much time and care I had to give on a daily basis. When we went out on dates she went with us because other than my parents nobody could really take care of her. He has 2 children of his own and I knew this as well, he had custody of his son and the biological mother had custody of the daughter. His exwife is a whole other story as well but I will say she has mental problems which is why the son (who was somewhat abused) lived with his father. He has for years tried to see his daughter off and on but the courts would always stop the process. When we first started dating I knew the situation and also knew his son was close to 18 years old.

Fastforward to today....he has custody of his daughter who is now 12, and of course his son is now almost 21 years old. I cannot stand either child. After my daughter passed away I was of course going through a terrible time (still do...it has been almost 3 years) and after staying a short time with my parents we decided to move in together. That is when I began to notice the problems with his son..nothing horrible, not a terrible kid other than he has a smart mouth and on more than one occassion has yelled at me using profanity if I try to correct him or ask him to do anything. There has been 4 times that that we have gotten into a "battle" over something to which I was called a "slut" or "whore" and to "F" off, etc. The last time which was almost a year ago he was in my face yelling and actually pushed his father into a wall and knocking a hole in the wall. Basically I do everything to avoid him which is easy because he NEVER comes out of his room, he never goes anywhere, he has no friends and spends all of his time at home other than when he is at school (which is 2 days a week) and work (which is on 3rd shift Monday thru Friday), otherwise he is either sleeping or on the computer NEVER leaving the house. He has a mouth and thinks nothing of telling his dad off who either blows up back at him or does nothing not to mention I've never recieved an "I'm sorry" from him for the things he has said about me.

Next his daughter who he has had full custody of since September happens to be a moody brat who calls everyone stupid when she feels like it, loves to make fun of people calling them "fat" even though she is not exactly Twiggy and in general is a very difficult child to like to be around. Like clockwork every 3-4 weeks she goes into this horrible mood where she makes life miserable for everyone around her, making sure to let everyone know how horrible they are and how much she hates everyone. While she has gotten somewhat better than in the beginning the last episode left me with an incredible sadness that this was never going to end and basically will get worse because my fiance refuses to just deal with it. She threw a Big Red softdrink at her father and called him "fat", slammed the door, hates everyone, etc. She ruins my weekends when she is in her moods and everyone elses weekends not to mention when she is in a better mood she still runs her mouth and is in general just annoying.

When I first started in the relationship I didn't expect ANY of this. I didn't expect my daughter to pass away (yes, genetically I knew it was possible because of my son but it was a different time with different treatment options), I certainly didn't forsee his son being the way he is, and I certainly never expected to have the daughter really living with us even though I knew it was a possibilty.

I have always gotten along with children, I have always gotten along with teenagers but I NEVER knew what a bunch of brats they could actually be! I am a stickler for having things neat and cleaned up but these 2 kids (and remember one of them is almost 21) NEVER do ANYTHING around the house leaving dirty dishes in the sink, stuff all over, and are in general just slobs and I cannot stand it! I will admit I am a little "OCD" about things but seriously how hard is it to unload and load a dishwasher, keep your bathroom clean, keep things tidy? They have no chores, basically do nothing but sleep, eat, go to school, etc. yet I work a full-time job, clean, do laundry, cook (sometimes), etc.

I love my fiance but currently I am not happy. I don't forsee any changes, he doesn't inforce disipline which his kids so desperately need, doesn't back me up when I try and tell them what is expected as far as the kitchen clean, etc. and basically babies them. I understand they have both had a tough life with their mother but when does that stop being an excuse? When does he finally take the steps to at least try to give them a better, more "in control" life than they had?

One other issue I have is that we NEVER have alone time. His kids have NO friends that they go stay with, no family they go and see, nothing so they are always there and my fiance and I NEVER have time to just be alone and be together. We have no privacy because they are always in our room even though I have tried to set rules such as not to not come barging into our room, or even when we try to have a little privacy you can hear the daughter yelling from the other room, "DAD,DAD,DAD,DAD" only to find out she is asking if he will get her drink, or hand her the remote, or something stupid like that.

I have currently left the house and am staying with my parents to sort things out. I just couldn't take it anymore...but somehow I feel guilty for my feelings. I love my fiance and miss him and would love to be with him because he is a great guy in so many ways but somehow I have a horrible feeling that things are just never going to change and either I am going to have to learn to live with it or get out because while I want things to change I honestly cannot see them changing. Eventually I would hope the stepson would move out but even with the daughter there I just know I have many years (not to mention teenage years) to deal with this and my fear is that my fiance just doesn't have it in him to set up boundries or instill any sort of disipline in the house. He is very upset with me right now for leaving but it was my sanity I was worried about. I still grieve deeply for my daughter and son and do not have the nerves to deal with his children. I feel like if he would just set up some boundries, disipline, and ALONE time for us it might be better but I fear that will not happen. I hate being around his children...HATE it but I hate not being around him too.

By the way I am not a saint...I have my own issues....and I am sure he has various issues with me but I was venting and I guess just looking for someone to tell me what I probably don't want to hear or someone who has some good advice. Really what I want to hear is that it gets better, or that it is all worth salvaging in order to be with the man I love but I just have a fear that should I go back I will completely lose my mind ;).