Frustrated.
Hi all, I'm thrilled that I've discovered this website.
I'm looking for some advices, suggestions toward the problems I'm having right now.
Me and the wife have been together little bit over 3 yrs, she has 2 kids, a boy whose 6 and a girl who turned 12.
I run a small business of my own and my wife works in a professional field, so I look after the kids regarding: getting their lunch ready, walk them to school, pick them up from school, and I try my best whenever I can to help out on dinner as my wife commutes and her work can be pretty crazy.
Here's the thing that bothers me the most, last year my business hit a bumpy spot but I managed to get out of it, we bought a new house this year so the kids can have more room and we can plan for our own child, the kids have everything they need etc, but their birth dad NEVER paid a penny, first time I met him he actually tried to start a fight with me, while I've told him clearly that I have no intention to become the kids' dad as he's well and alive, he found a tax loophole for his business and he continuously put the business profit into his parents' account and avoid child support while he drives a $60k truck and go on vacation, where we're working our ass off to pay off the mortgage, he doesn't even buy the kids' anything, the kids wanted DS for x'mas, he tell the kids he has no money, so we said we'll buy them, the kids need clothes, he said he has no money, so we take 'em to buy clothes, it goes for everything.
I asked my wife why don't you get to the bottom of it to make our lives easier, so we can even start up a college fund for them, she refused cause he's a difficult person to deal with, he's often violent and quite physical, in fact, he owes her well over $100k in the divorce that he has yet paid one penny.
I don't want him to go bankrupt, I just want him to pay for his share, how should I go approach on this? we are not starving, but it just doesn't sit right with me while I do all the work, and he gets all the glory.
The other thing is the boy, he's turning 7 soon and is in grade 2, he's a smart little kid and is mom's favorite, when we just started dating, he was actually the one that was really close to me, but as now, the girl has turned a 180 and much rather spend time with me than her dad. However, now the boy is really difficult to deal with, he often do things just to piss me off, i.e. if I'm on the phone with a client, I often ask them avoid making big noises, he would intentionally jump upstair or chase the dog through out the house, if I punish him, he would cry like someone is about to kill him and tell me to go away from his family and out of his house while I paid everything above his head, even the shoes he walks in, the mom keep telling me that "don't force him to do something he doesn't want to do", I get really angry when that happens, and often at lost, I once suffered a black out cause I was so angry and at the ER they found I got blood pressure of 100/180, and I'm a fit late 20's male, even the girl often agrees that my wife would stand behind the boy's back when he does something wrong, horribly wrong.
I don't know what to do sometimes, I actually start getting anxious on Sunday evening cause I know as soon as the kids are home, the boy will make my days horrible, from telling me not liking his sandwhich (even know I made it the way he likes it), to why he cannot use my computer, to want to poke my dog's eyes out.
At times, I'm ready to call it quits and go back being single so I'm not going to die from a heart attack before I hit 30.
What should I do? I just want to be normal.
I'd have to agree with
I'd have to agree with StepAside! You have no children of your own, and it looks like your are dealing with what most of us Stepmoms deal with on these boards...a "Guilt Parent".
Add in the factor that a lot of the parental responsibilities fall on you, you and she are NOT on the same page in regard to discipline, and the HUGE money factor which is adding stress to the relationship, and it's NO WONDER your blood pressure is skyrocketing before you are 30!
You need to find yourself a nice, single, CHILDLESS woman.
There's plenty of them out there. Trust us, these issues are only going to multiply when the kids hit their TEENS!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Thank you guys for the
Thank you guys for the advices, we love each other very much and my parents like her quite a bit, its just those two things sometime bother me like no tomorrow, I actually went to talk to a psychiatrist about it.
When we first live together, the girl was pretty rebellious against me, but as time went on, she realize that I love her mom very much and she really turned around especially in the last year or so, now she helps on a lot of stuff and listen to me very well.
I know that that there are other fish in the ocean, but whenever we are alone just being a couple, it feels so right, we went oversea to visit her parents and it was one of the best time in my life, but why does it have to feel like hell when the kids are home?
I don't think you want to
I don't think you want to leave your wife and I don't think that's the answer you are looking for, correct? Well then the only other thing you can do is to know that you have to try very hard!
The son is old enough to know better, he is testing you. Be logical and firm (not mean though). If he hates his lunch tell him that you made it for him, its healthy and will give him energy so you guys can (play catch together?)and while you don't have time to make him something else he sure can make something himself or wait until you have time later. If he screams when you're on a call, let him know that you cannot work like that and if you cannot work you can't buy him that DS and if he can't prove to be grownup enough to be quiet then he'll have to be treated like a child and be in his room but you know he's too adult for that right
And let your wife know that you need to be a team. She needs to support you. The four of you are a family! You're not against anyone! Just trying to find what works!
As for the child support that's tough. I guess the only thing you can do is try to not let it bother you and do nothing. Or petition the court. As long as your wife is not proactive about it, I think thats all you can do. Hope your situation gets better.
I really don't want to
I really don't want to leave, after all, I've sold my condo and lots of toys that a man acquired when he's single, just so we can live together, and she has helped me to get through tough times with my business and personal issues.
Just of now, we had a big argument, and I got so mad that I took a 2hrs walk with the dog.
The kids had originally wanted to do Halloween here, I've actually got pretty thrilled, as I grew up in a different continent and never had the whole Halloween thing as a child, only time I did celebrate was in my late teens and early 20's, and that was never about candy!
I went out and bought some big pumpkins, decorations, fake feet and hands, kids are all happy and can't wait, then their dad called today and say "I want the kids this weekend, I want to take them trick or treating at the house (our house)", immediately my wife said no, as we've gotten physical before due to him using racial slurs, then he start to say that he rarely see the kids, even know he lives only 30 miles away and barely work 5hrs a day and drives a fancy big truck.
We asked the kids, they say they want to stay, but he kept calling my wife and saying he wants to see them and have them for Halloween, he started to talk to the SD and pressured her into agreeing let him come here to trick or treat, and asked me if I can leave the house when he's here.
WHAT IS THIS? I'm asking to leave MY OWN HOUSE, that I paid the down payment, that I pay mortgage on, on Halloween! I even told my best friend I can't go to his birthday party cause I promised the kids, and my wife was in ruined cause she said its so unfair to me, and she doesn't want to start a fight with him.
I got so angry and hopeless I left and walked the dog around the neighborhood, I really don't ask much in life, everything that I've got I've paid for, I don't expect the kids to call me daddy, and with the way its going, it doesn't seem anybody will call me daddy anytime soon.
I'm just at lost here, the fact that I'm asked to leave the house on Sat night really made my blood boiling, I understand that the kids are afraid of confrontation, and I wouldn't want any kids to go through that, is it wrong that I got so angry? why do I have to give up my dignity and pride just for this guy?
There is no way you should
There is no way you should be expected to leave your own home to accomodate him, and if he can't be civil and is racist towards you then your wife needs to stand firm beside you. If he gets physical then call the police on him.
If your wife is scared of him, then with a police complaint against him being racist and threatening or actually being violent then she should be able to get a restraining order against him.
As far as I'm concerned, then if he's not paying CS then he shouldn't get visitation, especially at the drop of a hat he decides he wants it.
With your SS - he may just be at the age to push boundaries, so following the advice above will heopfulyl see him do a 180 like his sister did.
Good luck
You are powerless in this
You are powerless in this situation. Except for one thing. You are under no obligation to pay anything to help these kids. This is the only pressure you can use to force your wife to try and take action against the deadbeat.
I'm not suggesting you get stingy with the money - just explaining that there is little you can do except not spend your money.
Kids are not stupid and at some point in the future they will learn that Dad isn't paying his share and I would make no secret about it. If the kids wants to do (whatever) and you can't afford it feel free to say that you can't afford it because bio-dad isn't helping out. Don't make a issue of it - just the facts.
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It may be that 50 years from now the only important thing you did in this life is to be important in the life of a kid.
Dewy, yeah those things
Dewy, yeah those things would bother the heck out of me too! And I will tell you what will remedy this. You are going to have to get firm with your wife. Tell her either she can back you up when you punish him, let him know that you are the boss, and he has to respect you or tell her that she needs to find a babysitter for him when she's not around. It's obvious that the poor kid is acting out because he isn't happy and who else better to take it out on than step dad but if you guys can't stand united and tackle the problem, especially when you are doing so much, then he will have to be her problem. She can't expect you to be step dad and then not make the child respect you. I wouldn't necessarily leave right now until you've laid it out on the table and gave wife a chance to work on it. That's only fair right? If Wife won't comply, then I would leave.
If the ex is violent then
If the ex is violent then your wife needs to get an attorney to go after him for child support. He needs to be paying and a lawyer can get a court order to garnishee his wages. They can seize his assets-like the 60k truck. Your wife owes it to her children and to you, to get that money for their care.
Your wife needs to get an
Your wife needs to get an access schedule in place so the dad can't pull that crap. If there are set days that he gets the kids, then he can't come whining to have them whenever it suits him. The guy pays squat and then strong arms his way into getting the kids whenever he wants? yeah right. A lawyer will be your best friend in this situation.
Thank you guys for your
Thank you guys for your advices.
Last night I sat down with my wife and told her how frustrated I am with everything, and I've told her that as much as I love her, this frustration will eventually ruin our marriage.
She agrees on the kids' dad part, but still working on the boy as she thinks he's fine, I've told her if it continues like this, don't blame me if I stopped caring for him.
She told the dad that he's now welcomed to come here to trick or treat in our neighborhood, and its not a good idea to escalate the decision by fighting, and he agrees to the request.
Now there's a new problem, the boy thinks I pushed his dad away and ain't too thrilled with me today, sigh.............. oh how I missed the days when I didn't have to go through with this kind of crap on a Saturday.
It isn't going to get any
It isn't going to get any easier because the dad won't hesitate to tell your ss how mean you are. Children are too easily influenced. You are in for a very rough ride and it will only get more complicated if you have a child together. I think that the best thing that you can do is to train yourself to stop caring about what you are doing for the kids and just do it because you love your wife. As the kids get older and they start to expect more, don't do it unless they treat you right. However, your wife does not think that her son is doing anything wrong than your life will become increasingly more difficult and damaging to your health as he gets older. The teen years are tough and they are only tougher when you add skids into it! Many of us know what we are talking about. You will recognize us because we are the ones with the high blood pressure problems, the heart problems, the nervous ticks on our faces and the all around look of despondency! :O